Martin

These are pictures over the years of one of our grandsons. We recently celebrated his 16th birthday. Our family fell in love with this sweet-faced blonde boy from the very beginning. He was not destined to be like either of his brothers. When the diagnosis of autism was pronounced, everyone in our family scrambled to learn more about it. It seems to be that way for everything from cancer to Reyes syndrome to measles to asthma. When someone you know and love has it, you want to know what to expect.

Despite any initial fears we may have had for his development, Martin has always been cheerful and open to learning new things, even if a little reluctant occasionally. He has done well in school and has learned things from trains (his first and best love) to cheerleading to math to the gospel.

He has been know to get into predicaments and be pretty frightened. For awhile, if he got anything at all on his clothes (including plain water), he would immediately set out to remove the clothing no matter where he was.

He talks about driving which is appropriate for 16-year olds in the U.S. He has tried his hand at bumper cars, rides bicycles well, and did pretty well on a golf cart. Whether he is ever able to manage the complexities of driving a motor vehicle on a road with other vehicles and all the hazards common to this mode of transportation remains to be seen. But we are all proud of how far he has come in 16 years. A lot of that can be attributed to a mother who has always encouraged him and never restricted him from anything that might be confusing or difficult for a son with autism. She has loved him unconditionally and he has learned to love others much more than any of us could have imagined.

Striving for perfection

I want to start off defining "Church". Mortal men are the ones who have delineated Protestant, Baptist, Methodist, Catholic, even Jewish churches. The Lord recognizes only 2 churches.An angel of the Lord said, "Behold there are save two churches only; the one is the church of the Lamb of God, and the other is the church of the devil." When Jesus Christ returns to earth, "every knee shall bow and every tongue confess" that He is their Savior. Those who cannot abide the day of His coming shall be taken from the earth until the end of the millenium and the great, final war. So when I refer to "Church" it can refer to anyone who is striving to please God and be like His Son.
I am grateful when Church leaders counsel those who are trying TOO hard. I realize that the majority of God's children err on the side of not doing enough of the right things. But there is a group, however small it may be, who try so hard to do good things that they can actually do harm. Recently a Church leader counseled those who might give TOO much time to Church service to remember their families need their time and energy, too. There are some who work so hard to get perfect grades in schooling that they become depressed or anxious when they only do "well". That can result in changing their focus from learning more to mourning over past performances. That in turn results in a downward spiral.
Recently I met a young woman, beautiful, healthy, slim and sweet. It soon became apparent that she focuses so much on striving for perfection that she is actually damaging herself. She was seeking counsel from a physical trainer about her "pooch"- meaning a tiny bulge of stomach. She really had no excess fat but was so concerned that "proportionately" (her words, not mine) her stomach bulged more than it should for her tiny size. She also asked a dental assistant about fixing some erosion in her gums caused by overuse of teeth whitening strips. It broke my heart to listen to her sincere, anxious concerns about what she sees as glaring flaws. I would not have been surprised to hear she was prone to eating disorders. She dresses simply and does not appear to be focused totally on what the world would define as goals for her outward appearance. I think she is just really trying to be as "perfect" as she can be, to the extent she understands it. She immediately dismissed my opinion that she did not have a "pooch" that "hangs out".( I have a daughter who similarly has a difficult time accepting or believing any form of praise.) You can tell her she's beautiful but she won't believe you. You can tell her she's good but she doesn't feel good enough. I wish I could convince those relative few who have such good intentions that they are loved and accepted as they are, not that striving to improve is a bad thing. There are standards of "perfection" which matter and those that don't. Beauty is in the eyes of the beholder. Depending on who is doing the beholding, no one is perfectly beautiful and no one is perfectly ugly. It doesn't matter! Achieving a grade or score according to some man-made standard will change depending on who is manufacturing the standard. Learn what you can and do your best but beyond that, it doesn't matter. Strive to live ALL the commandments of God and strive to learn more but know that "after all you can do", you need the Atonement to be sanctified. Everyone does and you will not be an exception. THAT IS OKAY!  Being perfect in the Lord's meaning is more about our intentions and goals than our achievements. We will not be like God as mortals- ever. But we can be perfect in not losing our faith and trust in Him. We can be perfect in our resolve to control our appetites and passions as well as striving to learn wisdom. We may get discouraged. We may lose steam sometimes. THAT IS OKAY! Our outward appearance (beyond being neat and clean) doesn't matter. Our man-given labels or certificates don't matter. Our income or house size or car brand DO NOT MATTER!  I wish I could send that message and have it received- but only to those for whom it's necessary.

Confidence and inconsequential

I have been pondering these two title words lately. As I observe people that seem to have confidence or lack it, I am struck by how much it can impact our growth. Those who lack confidence can not only be stunted in growth but it can actually be detrimental. They tend to be followers because they see those who appear confident to have more knowledge or ability, which may or may not be true. Having confidence does NOT guarantee greater knowledge or ability. If a choice is made to follow, idealogically or literally, a person with confidence, it could lead to greater understanding or greater mistakes. On the other hand, sometimes people have confidence to the point that they rarely question themselves which can be a big problem. Confidence without humility is a roadblock to greater knowledge or improvement. Strong confidence can cause a person to feel they know something they really don't know but have only inferred from some small snippet of information which they may or may not have correctly understood. Confidence is like chocolate- it is great in small amounts but if you have too much it can make you sick. If you have none, it can make your life much less pleasant.
As for inconsequential- I have experienced what it can feel like to be treated as inconsequential and it hurts. It's nice to be respected or loved and it's unpleasant to be ridiculed or disliked. However, being treated with disdain could at least have the impact of causing someone to be defensive thereby self-reflecting. Self-reflection can cause a person to either strengthen their resolve and determine other people have some real problems therefore they can stand secure in the knowledge they are right even if not everyone knows it. OR self-reflection can cause a person to decide maybe they need to work on a problem of their own which could lead to improvement. Either way, dislike has the potential to lead to feeling better about yourself. Being treated as inconsequential is nearly exclusively disastrous. When others treat you as though they really don't care whether you exist, there is a total feeling of hopelessness. It doesn't matter what you say or do if others don't notice and don't care to notice you. If your comments are brushed aside as meaningless or your accomplishments are not just unappreciated but totally ignored, it causes you to feel less than dust. It causes you to feel invisible, and not in a science fiction kind of way. You feel that whatever your interests or preferences are, the world would be just as well of without them. Whatever your ideas are, they aren't needed. You aren't cute or funny or smart or talented or anything that could make you feel like you mattered. In fact, you feel like it would take a long time for people to even notice your absence. To me, that's worse than having them dislike you. If someone dislikes you, you are at least worth the effort to be considered. If you are inconsequential, you aren't worth a thought or notice. I need to make a concerted effort to notice others and never treat them as if they don't matter- whether it's a homeless person, a small person, a handicapped person, a liberal, conservative, wealthy, smart, tattooed, dirty, well-dressed, or old person. Everybody matters.