The true test

     If you want to know how good a vacuum cleaner is, you don't determine that by sucking up dust. If you want to see how strong you are, you don't just walk a couple of feet or lift a feather. It's the same way with relationships. My preference is ALWAYS to avoid contention and trials. However, going the easy road isn't very effective in strengthening us. As we go through experiences and even conversations with other people, we often encounter "bumps in the road". They are not a sign that the relationships are to be avoided. Personally, I have often wanted to be the proverbial ostrich with a head in the sand, purposely not seeing what is unpleasant hoping it will just go away. Rationally, I can see that things just don't happen that way. The boogey man in the closet doesn't disappear if you keep the door closed. The only way to be rid of scary things is to face them head on. Often, what seemed like something to dread is not nearly as bad as anticipated. Often, when we think other people don't like or accept us, it turns out that they may appear hesitant simply because they are worried about being liked or accepted themselves. Getting past the bumps in the road requires forging ahead- talking through the disagreements without anger caused by fear or jealousy. You will always, always, always find something, no matter how trivial, that you can agree on, something you have in common. (I am writing this to me as much as to anyone who might happen to read this.) All the classic features of building relationships are formed on bumpy roads as well as in the smooth ones- the honeymoon phases: respect, trust, forgiveness, compassion, sincere interest, and love. It so often happens that strong bonds are formed as people face tragedy together. Strangers help each other through floods, hurricanes, tornadoes, war, and accidents. I love the Readers Digest stories about people who donate blood or organs to strangers or people who rescue someone even in the face of danger to themselves.
     Our relationship with God works the same way. Too often, when things look grim and scary, we fervently pray that our Father in Heaven will smooth things out, take away the bad things. Then when it doesn't happen that way, we think He doesn't love us or wasn't listening or maybe even is angry and punishing us. If we can manage to face the situation and forge ahead with the continued faith that we can believe His promises and love, we will always come out the other side of the bumpy road and realize that everything is okay. The sun still rises and sets, the flowers still bloom, and we continue to grow and acquire friends along the way. It's easy to worship God when we have everything to make our life comfortable. It's also easy to take Him for granted. It's easy to love our spouse or children or friends when we are having a good time. The real growth happens when we go through the hard times and come out the other side, wiser and with bigger hearts. I am so grateful for the people in my life- my family in both directions and my friends wherever they are in the world. I am grateful that they love me, warts and all. I am grateful that my Heavenly Father loves me, warts and all.

Tired? What do you mean tired?

      Being tired can mean lots of different things. When a parent says to a child, "I am sick and tired of____", you can guess that the child has been repeating an offense for which the parent has expressed concern and admonished the child more than once in the past. The parent is not tired in the sense they want to take a nap, although that may be the case as well. The parent is simply weary from a behavior being repeated without any hint of change/learning on the part of the child who is supposed to be taught. This is a form of frustration feeling that the parent is making an effort that isn't working and the child is not doing what he/she has been repeatedly told.
     When an employee says, with gritted teeth, "I am SOOOO tired of _____", it's likely that the employer or fellow employees have repeatedly made bad choices or attempted to employ bad policies that result in some kind of imposition on the employee. Again, there isn't so much a desire to take a nap because that won't fix the problem.
     When someone has been up all night with a sick child or working a night shift, they would sigh, "I am really tired." A nap would fix that. Saying you're tired can have so many varied implications that, without context, anyone listening would not know what you mean. This is only one, tiny example of how we communicate with each other, sometimes totally ineffectively. There has been advice to "parrot back" what a person says, using similar wording but not exactly the same to ensure what was heard was what was intended. But that can feel patronizing and uncomfortable. Some people, when asked questions for clarification, can become irritated, interpreting the questions as challenges or disagreements.
     As a part of acknowledging that we are all different, even if we are genetically related, romantically connected, or part of the same occupational group, gender, ethnicity, or whatever. Since we are all different, though we speak the same language, we don't always hear what another person means. Misunderstandings are probably one of the MAJOR causes of disagreements between people. Whether in a town hall meeting or across a cozy table for two, it would be helpful if ever there was a flash of irritation to seek clarification and understand intention before escalation to war.

Just so you know

     I remember feeling some frustration with my dad a few years before he died over his hearing aids. He customarily turned the tv volume up REALLY high because he couldn't get the dialogue. He often fell asleep during movies for the same reason. He owned hearing aids but rarely used them. When asked why he didn't use the fairly expensive devices that were supposed to help him hear, he would comment that they didn't really help him hear, they just made everything louder.
     Fast forward about 10 years. Now I understand. I always thought I might lose my hearing due to a build up of scar tissue from repeated ear infections as a child. Totally to my surprise, the hearing aid specialist told me my eardrums really weren't badly scarred. So why was I losing hearing?? I guess there are a couple of additional causes for hearing loss that have nothing to do with somewhat avoidable causes like ear infections or excess time listening to loud noises. As we get older, the tiny hairs inside our ear canals that pick up sound vibrations lose elasticity, just like our muscles and skin. As a result, they don't send signals to the auditory nerve as effectively. Hence, a loss of perceived sounds. Also, the area of the brain (just like ALL areas of the brain) is subject to undesirable aging effects. This often causes a very different hearing loss in that you actually hear sound but don't understand it; your brain simply doesn't process it or processes it very slowly. You may not be able to discern the source of a sound or you may not be able to determine what is being said. This is really frustrating because you can watch mouths move and hear sound but don't get what is being said!
     I am learning the art of constant smiling at people when I want them to feel that I am listening to them. However, I often haven't gotten the majority of what they said and don't want to keep repeating a request for them to repeat it. I have hearing aids but only use them in places (like the temple) where everything is very quiet. It basically turns up the volume so I can hear whispered voices. When I try to use them in other places, it just "makes everything louder", just like my dad said. I can't understand any better. I can't determine the source of sounds any better. It's just all louder confusion. I could go on and on about the problems of aging. I know everyone experiences at least some of the many issues caused by an aging body and some have more than others. (Difficulty losing or even maintaining weight, sagging and wrinkling skin, loss of sight, feeling tired sooner, arthritis,.....) I guess it's just something you can't understand until you get there. It doesn't matter how well you eat, how hard you work, how much or what kind of lotion you put on, how regularly you exercise. You cannot escape aging. You may be able to minimize harmful results but you can't escape them altogether. Bummer.............

Ministering

     One of the elements of the LDS Church which I have appreciated is the focus on the responsibility of individual members to follow Christ's example- not just the clergy or leaders. Almost since its founding over a century ago, members of the Church have been assigned a number of other members to visit at least once a month for the purpose of gospel teaching as well as checking on their welfare to help when needed (called visiting teaching for women and home teaching for men). The one problem that developed was too much focus on "statistics". Rather than individuals simply using the assignment as a way to ensure no-one gets neglected, it sometimes became a race to beat the calendar (making a quick, ineffective visit just before turning the page to the next month), or a competition to claim the highest percentage of visits regardless of how helpful or effective, or simply another cause to feel guilt for someone who was truly busy or ill and just couldn't make it to everyone they had been assigned. In the most recent General Conference of the Church, the announcement was made that there was no longer going to be statistics kept or reports given concerning visiting or home teaching. This is NOT to decrease the load of expectations on members! Quite the contrary- the new emphasis is on effectiveness, rather than numbers. As the return of our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ, looms ever more imminently, we are being urged to personally prepare. That requires more study of scriptures, more fervent and meaningful prayers, more temple attendance and family history work, more diligence in keeping the commandments and becoming more like the Lord. As I have thought about how this changes things, I have discovered lots of important emphases:
     from teacher to receiver- It isn't about finding a great quote or preparing an impressive lesson by the member doing the visit but having that member pray to know what the visited member needs then listening to the Spirit as well as listening to the visited member to know how to be a help and support.
     from presentation to results- It doesn't matter how amazing the lesson or point being made by the visiting member if there is nothing in it to truly be effective for that specific member being visited. The focus is changed from the teacher's ability to how much the individual is helped.
     from lesson to need- When deciding what to bring to the member being visited, it requires knowing what the genuine need of that individual is, not how new or interesting a point to be made can be. It's about truly loving the members we visit, not about our creativity in teaching. What we take to each one we visit may be totally different.
     from concern for performance to concern for service- It isn't about impressing anyone with scriptural knowledge or even temporal skills. Ministering as the Savior did is about understanding the needs of the individual being taught and discovering how to meet those needs.
     Jesus Christ and our Father care about each individual and if we are to be like Them, we must teach, love, and minister as They would. Each person is unique in their needs, development, abilities, and concerns. Service to others is only truly effective if it meets those very individual needs. Giving a batch of cookies to a diabetic is not effective service. Giving a lovely handmade toy to a single adult is not effective service. Being willing to patch the roof of a person living in an apartment building is not effective service. Urging temple attendance to someone who has very little financial resources and lives hundreds of miles from the nearest temple is not effective service. We must take the time and make the effort to know each other so we can anticipate the greatest needs and discover how to supply those needs. As we do so, our good intentions and desires will develop into genuine Christlike love. Then we will be prepared to greet the Savior when  He comes and assist in His kingdom.