I have mentioned many times my desire to improve. I guess not everyone has a desire to improve maybe because they don't feel they need to, don't know how, or don't believe they can. I have full faith in the words of Jesus Christ when he admonished us to "Be ye therefore perfect." It's not that I seek any perceived honor or reward in being exalted to be able to live in the presence of God. I have no interest in any kind of competition to "be like God." My sincere, deeply felt hope is to be free from ego sufficiently to live in peace with those who desire to know and embrace what is right and true more than any desire to proclaim they are right and true. I have no interest in the honors of men, although my self-esteem is boosted when people compliment me or approve of me. I just want to share harmony or one-ness with God the Father and His Son on THEIR terms because they are wiser and kinder than anyone I know. I can only hope that those I love will have a similar desire so we can all meet there eventually and enjoy whatever existence God has promised us will be greater than anything we can imagine as limited mortals. Peace, harmony, and love are all too rare here among mortals.

"Boo-tiful Nauvoo"

Nearly from our arrival at Nauvoo we have heard about the great Halloween festivities which draw people from all around the area, much as the corn, grape, and watermelon festivals do. The time has finally arrived. Russ and I volunteered time, along with scores of other community and LDS volunteers to scoop and carve pumpkins. There were just shy of 500 pumpkins lined up all along both sides of the main thoroughfare for a couple of blocks in town. The pumpkins were varied from small to large with simple to intricate designs.  I didn't take my phone or camera with me when we carved so we had to look all over town for the ones we did. These are pictures of 3 of the 5 we did. I didn't want to post too many pictures of carved pumpkins and it was hard to get pictures with the sidewalks so crowded with people, even though they had cordoned off the parking lanes of the street to widen the sidewalks. There was one whole section of truly amazing specially carved pumpkins which just took our breath away.  LDS missionaries had made lots of kettle corn which they gave away in little bags for free. Businesses which are usually closed by evening were all open so they could hand out candy and gifts to the kids. Because so many of these kids live on farms miles apart and often Halloween becomes a time of pranks (some not so harmless) for teenagers, this event  works just boo-tifully! There are also lots of street vendors selling food. We bought hot dogs and bottled water to support the Nauvoo Orchestra. We aren't sure whether we'll be released next year just before this event or after but we will look forward to it if we are still here!

The Boo-tiful Nauvoo Parade!

The beginning of the parade was a fairly large group of teenagers in costumes, all playing kazoos. They played Halloween-appropriate melodies and were surprisingly in tune. I liked it that even kids, at the age when being "cool" and impressing peers is the most important thing,  were into the spirit of the whole small-town fun.

 One of the big hits of the parade was the "Ghost Busters" with a guy walking in front, dressed with the outfit and gear to rid places of unwanted haunters, followed by a real "ghost busters" car playing the theme song on a continuous loop. The whole event is totally family-friendly and fun for everybody no matter what age! The kids had fun parading their costumes but lots of adults had some pretty amazing make-up and costumes. There were adults dressed as Minnie and Mickey Mouse walking along handing out candy. A girl about 4 or 5 years old was drawn by the familiarity and walked right out into the street to walk near them. She was dressed as Minnie Mouse, too- a miniature version of the adult in the parade! A Chinese dragon came along made of a large cardboard head followed by lots of people under sheets that had been tied together one after another. When I realized it was all site missionaries, I tried to take a picture but I was unsuccessful running along trying to get ahead of them then finding a place to stand where I could get a picture.

I was more successful getting a picture of these site missionaries with our own historic Nauvoo horses and wagon. It was just a comforting feeling that our LDS missionaries were so much a part of supporting this community event- more volunteer work done by good people who spend all day every day volunteering their time and energy.

What is fruit?

     As temples or tabernacles in the days of Moses and Aaron, temples today are full of symbolism. The mortal Jesus Christ spoke to people but many had eyes and did not see or ears and could not hear. Even with the aid of the Holy Ghost I have read scriptures and heard or said sacred ordinances hundreds of times without perceiving all the layers of meanings God would have me learn. Today in the temple I thought about "fruit". Artists have painted Adam and Eve in a lush garden holding an apple. Many people have spent their whole lives only considering that Eve took a physical bite out of a literal piece of fruit which magically gave her the ability to know good from evil. (It didn't pass on to her kids too well- or maybe Cain was just that wicked from the start.) Could there be more to this event that took place several millennia ago? The scriptures are full of references to "fruit" that don't mean apples or figs. The "fruit of the womb/body" refers to children/offspring. In Proverbs "fruit of their own way" is mentioned as well as "my fruit is better than gold". Jesus Himself said, "Bring forth therefore fruits meet for repentance", and, "Beware of false prophets...Ye shall know them by their fruits." (I don't think He was hinting they would have peach stands or apple orchards.) In the Book of Mormon the prophet Lehi has a dream about a tree "whose fruit was desirable to make one happy." When his son Nephi later wants to see and understand that dream, he is told that it was a representation of "the love of God." So what might the fruit that Satan beguiled Eve into eating be symbolic of?? I have my own ideas but I am not a prophet, seer or revelator so I am not going to attempt to define the "tree" or "fruit" in the Garden of Eden. I only want to put forth the challenge to think more deeply. There is more available to us than what we can see, hear, or touch. God put the "breath of life" into Adam. Today's medical technology can use machines to breathe or even circulate blood for humans. But mortal men cannot create a living human in a laboratory strictly from a cell or two made by a scientist. What makes a human-- human? What is the spark that causes the tiny being to begin breathing, seeing, learning, reacting? Is it naive or ignorantly superstitious to have faith in a supreme being? Or are we more ignorant or naive to think we are the cream of the crop- the most intelligent creature there is? I admit there are wide variations of  concepts defining God. If He exists, and I know He does, He certainly would have the power to let you know exactly who He is. Sure, there are mysteries but knowing the God who created us is not something He would withhold as a mystery from His children. He tells us to knock or seek and we can know for ourselves. I truly identify with the prophet Lehi in the Book of Mormon "And as I partook of the fruit thereof it filled my soul with exceeding great joy; wherefore I began to be desirous that my family should partake of it also; for I knew that it was desirable above all other fruit."

Children

     When we arrived on our mission in April, we were assigned to attend church in a unit over 2 hours north of here. Our first Sunday there we were asked to teach a class of 6, 7, and 8-years old. After living in Sun City, AZ for more than 4 years where you must be 55 or older to reside, we were more than happy to work with children. In the past several months, we found many disadvantages to our assignment, most having to do with the distance away, but also the fact that we are first and foremost serving a mission. Due to all of the difficulties involved, we are being re-assigned so today was our last day there. Next Sunday will be the ward Primary sacrament meeting presentation so we watched them rehearse today. Information for anyone not familiar with how this works: there is a basic outline for the program with suggested songs and theme and even some scriptures that comes from the General Church Primary leaders then someone in the local unit fills in the particulars. Every child from age 3 to age nearly 12 gets at least one speaking part and all sing whichever songs have been selected. The theme this year is centered on our Savior and the older children bore testimonies and told stories about their own experiences. It was just so touching to hear these children talk about loving Jesus, which I realize cynics might call brainwashing especially in the case of 3 or 4-year olds. But the older kids spoke candidly about their own faith and experiences. One girl talked about how her family reads scriptures together every morning and that sometimes it's hectic or hard to concentrate but she always feels good afterwards as she starts her day with the right focus. (I remember vividly noticing that first when I used to teach early morning seminary. Every school morning I would have a group of sleepy teenagers spend an hour before school studying scriptures in my home. On days when we didn't have class because there wasn't school, I could definitely feel the difference in my attitude as well as that of my own teenagers.) Another girl talked about having witnessed several miracles, her favorite being when her younger sister who was born deaf received a cochlear implant and could hear. She said that modern medicine can perform miracles, too. Then a boy talked about listening to the still, small voice of the Spirit. On a recent trip to Disneyland he got separated from his family and was frightened in the crowd. He said a prayer and felt prompted to go in a certain direction to a certain place and was so relieved to be reunited with his family. At the end of the program, the older 7 or 8 kids (all 10-nearly 12) sang a song called Gethsemane. Despite the heavy subject matter, the song was really more about gratitude and love. One of the girls singing made it about a third of the way through the song then started to cry. It was so touching hearing children speak and sing about God, our Savior, their love for us and their great gift to us of the Holy Ghost. There are those who might call this the results of brain-washing but I would have to reply, "What is the media trying to do to our children as well as to us?" Madison Avenue has paid employees whose job is to try to get us to spend money. There are college degrees in market analysis and how to sway consumers. Teaching of ANY kind could be called brain washing. I think what these kids are being taught will serve them well in their lives.

Learning or not learning

     I can feel some things about me gradually changing. I don't know whether they will continue to evolve or I will stay the way I am changing now. I am always a bit surprised when I observe myself in different surroundings. For instance, when I am with my siblings, I sometimes revert to some of the ways I behaved when I was younger. When I am with my children, I sometimes have to fight being the "mother" even though they're all grown and obviously managing very well without me. We have been temple missionaries now for about 6 months. The first couple of months were just a blur as I felt totally overwhelmed with all I needed to learn then it was just so busy I had all I could do to just keep up! Now things are slowing down as far as numbers of people coming to the temple. However, now that I know more things, I am responsible for more things. Also, things are about to make a major shift because most of those currently serving here will be leaving within the next couple of weeks. Many have already left and a few new ones have arrived with only 7 more couples arriving once the current ones leave. I am just getting somewhat settled with putting names to faces and feeling comfortable enough with what I'm doing to be able to focus on developing friendships. As things become "unstable" here, I wonder about the future for me and most of my family. Within this next year, most of the people I love will be moving. We still have no idea what we will do when we're done with our mission next fall. We have received lots of suggestions but we will probably have to wait until late summer to make a firm decision. I feel like I'm walking in one of the old moving-floor areas of a fun house! So, what am I learning?
     First of all, I have had a tendency to be somewhat dramatic when I converse. In the temple we are always very quiet. I am learning how to be a little more subdued- at least sometimes..........
     I am learning that efforts to avoid issues dealing with aging bodies have limited efficacy. I can avoid a wheelchair and maybe even a cane, but the arthritis in my foot and the pain in my leg definitely discourage excessive exertion. I still use the stairs instead of the elevator but I often avoid the bounce and speed with which I started 6 months ago. I am avoiding gaining weight so I can continue to wear the same clothes without having to shop for a size larger, but my metabolism just does not lend itself to using calories. Russ and I eat only one real meal a day and otherwise basically snack but I have not lost one ounce or inch. I had lots of ear infections when I was younger and know I have scar tissue on my eardrums so I had hints that my hearing might be affected. It's looking more and more like hearing aids are in my future. Being quiet in the temple only emphasizes how difficult it is for me to hear.
     I am learning that no matter how good an example you try to be and how lovingly you might make suggestions to others, they will only make changes if THEY want to- not because they are making you unhappy. We really do have to have an inner source of peace and happiness that we can draw on even when immersed in negativity. I am so grateful to know there is a God and that He and Jesus Christ love me. I can talk to Them whenever I want or need to. It is sometimes difficult to feel the love and peace and guidance They try to send my way when I am really sad or upset but I am always grateful when I finally get the message through the Spirit and can feel loving peace.
     I am very slowly learning patience. I spend a LOT of time in my days in the temple sitting or standing, waiting to be of service where needed. There is sometimes so much to do I can't keep up, but there are times when I simply have to wait for someone to come or something to do. And in a larger picture, Russ and I have been talking about "Home". We don't have one. We miss feeling comfortably situated in familiar surroundings with people we have known for awhile and that know us. (Most of our children are in the same situation- ironic.......) By the time we develop dementia and need to use a cane and can hardly see or hear, we hope to be in a stable, comfortable place. That's going to take patience because it won't be happening in a year or probably even 5 years!
     Last of all, I have always had a tendency to "hide my head in the sand". If there is an unpleasant situation, I look for a place to run away and hide. I am learning that doesn't work. No matter how much you don't want something unpleasant to happen, you have to be able to square up your shoulders and forge ahead! We can do more than we sometimes give ourselves credit for and things generally last a shorter time than we think. The misery will pass and life will go on. All we can do is all we can do or some such trite saying...............

Weekend getaway

Despite being on a full-time mission, Russ and I have had a couple of really sweet opportunities to be with loved ones, including this past weekend when we had requested travel outside our district. Friday we drove up to Cincinnati and had the chance to see at least Janna and give her a ride home from a game where the band had played. The rest of the terHorsts were having a great weekend in New York so we missed seeing them. Saturday morning we drove up to Columbus for the baptism of no-longer-so-little Brooklyn Celeste Fellows. She is as loving and gregarious and fun as ever! 

Right afterward there was a nice luncheon which we had set up for in record time because everyone was so helpful. Jeremy, Kadon, and Brooklyn are really lucky to have 3 sets of grandparents and we were all able to be there! It was a wonderful event and Victoria had planned it well.

You can see where Brooklyn gets her awesome personality! Victoria is a courageous, unstoppable, determined, intelligent, amazing woman. I guess I kinda like her.
After this, we drove WAAAAYYYY out (on Africa Road, an appropriate name by the way) to Jeremy's middle school where we had the fortuitous opportunity to watch him in a play. Nice of them to schedule it so well for us, huh? There were actually 2 very short plays but both were quite intense and meaningful for youth of this age. They dealt with inner conflict and struggles with self-esteem as well as pressure from likewise confused peers. I think it could help them to deal with the perplexities of growth and development. I'm glad Jeremy is getting this kind of influence. I thanked their advisor/director. There is so much garbage in the world that was mostly hidden from our innocent eyes when our generation was young. As wonderful as the internet is, it has allowed access to things no child should ever have to deal with. Mean people seem to be meaner and immorality seems to be more pervasive. I can only pray for my grandchildren and those coming after. I'm always grateful for the good people there are, wherever they are, whenever they show up.

Heartland

Yesterday about 18 of us temple missionaries carpooled to a huge farm complex called Heartland. When we arrived at the main building/gift shop/cafe, we were boarded onto this school bus to begin our tour which required no fee. This blog may seem a bit like an ad for this place because we were definitely impressed. It was all clean and well-organized but nobody was artificial or overly polished. Heartland was founded by a man who had gained his seed money by founding a major insurance company back in 1964. "It is a place where people can experience restoration through a relationship with Jesus Christ. Heartland is dedicated to help people with broken lives experience peace through Christ, develop a good work ethic, and live victoriously in every area of life." They have a church, a local tv broadcasting station, an academy and boarding school, and a limited Christian college which offers only a 2-year Associates degree in Biblical Studies. To me, the most thrilling part is their recovery programs. "Heartland Recovery Programs seek to introduce the concepts of Christian living and personal responsibility, helping men and women who are bound with life-controlling addictions, attitudes, and behaviors." They also have a thrift store whose proceeds all go toward efforts in places such as Thailand, Haiti, Egypt, India, Mexico, Columbia, Brazil, Moldova, Israel, Jericho, and the Philippines as well as a reservation in South Dakota. The community began in 1998.

 Their primary industry is dairy farming with related extensions like breeding, cheese-making, growing feed crops, a restaurant, and store. I loved seeing the message proudly proclaimed on this milk tank truck!

 These Mormon missionaries were all impressed and excited to see this work. In our missionary attire, we were hardly dressed appropriately for visiting a farm, but we all loved being there.

 They use a carousel for milking cows 3 times a day. The cows seem content to get on for the ride. In fact, there was one cow that went around at least 3 times before we left, reluctant to back out. She seemed to want to keep on riding!

 They also have a sizable goat herd which they are currently working at enlarging because they are experiencing a very high demand for their delicious goat cheeses.

The recovery program involves living in a dorm facility for men and a large house for women for 18 months. Some of the stories are heart-wrenching at the beginning but satisfying after their time in the program. I really appreciate those who have the patience, love, and persistence to work with people that are normally considered hopeless by the world. I don't know exactly what requirements there are or how the money all works, but it sure seems admirable to place expectations for success on people who have reached dismal failure in their lives and to love them unconditionally. They are given the opportunity to learn essential skills of hard work, dependability, trustworthiness, honesty, and high moral standards. All will enable them to some day leave the community, though some choose to stay to raise their families, and go on to be independent citizens of the world. I'm sure that, due to the nature of addiction, many relapse. But our Savior often mentioned the worth of even ONE soul. I'm glad we got to see this place and I pray they can continue.

Needing help

     Yesterday in the temple I had the opportunity to assist a woman in a wheelchair. As temple workers, we are admonished to allow people to do all they can for themselves which acknowledges them as independent persons. However, we are also encouraged to be as helpful as possible. You can see how this can lead to inner conflicts. I was ready and willing to do everything and anything she might need help with but I also admired her efforts to do the best she could. This was poignant to me as I remembered taking care of my mother for several years as she sat in a wheelchair.
     It was also an occasion for reflection because last weekend I somehow injured my leg. I don't remember doing anything drastic and I don't remember thinking "Ouch! That hurt." But at some point the inside of my knee started to hurt. I got progressively more painful over the next couple of days so I decided to ask the mission doctor's advice so I could know how best to allow it to heal while still performing my duties. (I was not interested in "resting" because I could not consider sitting around doing nothing for any length of time.) I was hoping he would say it was somehow sprained and it would heal in a couple of days. However, after examination, he used the dreaded "D" word- degenerative which means this is further evidence that I am not getting any younger. I eat nutritiously but I try hard to limit my intake because I don't want to gain any weight. I exercise as much as time and my own limitations will allow. ( I have sports induced asthma that gets me wheezing if I try to run or anything that gets me breathing really hard.) I have blessed with solid bones and I think I will be able to avoid osteoporosis, although being on Nexium is supposed to affect that. I try to maintain strong, flexible muscles. But I can't do much for joints. There are supplements that are supposed to help a little but basically, a LOT of people I know have gotten replacement joints- hips and knees- because their originals simply wear to the point of "bone-on-bone". Anyway, the doctor gave me an anti-inflammatory prescription and told me to take it a little easy and let the knee heal in a few days. So I have been trying to use the elevator in the temple and we have been driving up the hill and back each day.
     As I sat in the temple watching the woman in the wheelchair for anything I could do, I thought about being in her position. I thought about how she must feel to be unable to do things for herself that she probably used to do without thought. I did not consider it any kind of inconvenience to help her nor did I (or my sisters) feel it an inconvenience to help my mother. My quandary was this: if I ever get to the point that I need a considerable amount of help- and I'm not talking just temporarily like while healing from an injury or surgery but long-term increasing need for help- how will I react? Will I be able to be as tolerant and understanding with myself as I was with this woman? Will my frustration toward myself and my circumstances spill over into any form of unkindness toward others? Will I constantly apologize to the point that I'm downright annoying?
     Most people I know dislike feeling like a burden to anyone, even if only briefly. Most people I know apologize if they have to ask for directions, assistance, or any form of interruption of someone's life for their benefit. I wonder if I can be gracious enough and patient enough to be a pleasant person to help. Can I accept another's awkward attempts to move my body parts or give me something I didn't really want without feeling annoyed? Can I be patient enough to explain over and over what I need? I also work in the office one day a week with a woman who has been in a wheelchair since a car accident 9 years ago. She has no use of her legs but she is so capable in every other way. She has learned to ask for people to do things for her without doing it in a way that says, "I am helpless." I admire that. She just asks like anyone would ask a friend for a simple favor- pass the salt, or hand me my book, etc. We all go on about our lives day after day never expecting something drastic to happen which could change our lives completely. Some people cope with such shocks better than others. So, what's the difference? I don't know but I think that if we believe in ourselves, have learned to forgive ourselves, and recognize our own worth, we can deal better with needing help once in awhile or even longterm if necessary. If we don't feel that way about ourselves, our Savior and Heavenly Father can help. They want us to succeed and be happy so they are willing to assist whenever we need it. All we have to do is ask.