What is reality- really?

Yet another way, besides our general attitude (depression, optimism, resentment, etc.) we can influence our perception of "reality" is our expectations. We alone determine what our expectations for ourselves, others, the future, our environment, and EVERYTHING will be. We can impact "reality" by these chosen expectations. For instance, if we paint a picture and have an image of the completed work in our minds, nobody else on the planet can know what that image looks like. So if we don't manage to make it match with our expectation, we can consider it a failure, something not as we had wanted it to be. It won't matter if everybody else who sees it considers it a great work of art. If it doesn't meet our expectations, to us the "reality" of it is a failure. We may try (and even delude ourselves into thinking that it's so) to avoid having expectations of others. I know for myself that Mother's Day was nearly always a disappointment for me during the time my children were growing up. It wasn't really that they were particularly unappreciative or misbehaving on that day. It was the fact that I had expectations of the day being one that my children would especially appreciate me as their mother; that I would somehow feel especially gratified that my efforts to be a "good mother" had been successful. Then I would look at their quite common bickering, lack of obedience, neglect of what I deemed their responsibilities, and their normal childishness as "failure" of my mothering. Now that I am distant from it, I can see this was the reality, but at the time my perception of reality was annual proof that I was failing as a mother.
In a marriage, especially long-term but even shorter term where there is an attitude that "We are soul mates therefore we can finish each other's sentences and anticipate each other's preferences or desires", there are expectations which often result in conflict. Something as harmless as a husband wanting to show his wife he appreciates her by doing the laundry can go awry because, unbeknownst to him, she had planned to do it after finishing work in the garden so she could put in her dirty work clothes. Or maybe he puts one of her treasured items in the dryer without realizing it would ruin it. A husband may work hard straightening up the garage then come inside, exhausted, looking forward to time spent relaxing in front of the tv. The wife may think about how wonderful it will be to have the garage straightened up and decided to celebrate by going out to dinner. She gets dressed up and makes a call to reserve a table at a nice restaurant. Surprise! Is the "reality" in the first situation that the husband isn't sincere enough in his plan to show appreciation to his wife? Is the "reality" of the second situation that the wife doesn't even notice how exhausted her husband is or know him well enough to know that getting cleaned up and dressed to go out is not his favorite thing?
Two millenia ago, there was a group of people who had been told for many centuries to expect a deliverer, a Messiah. Prophets had given hints to use to recognize Him. There were writings and lectures to help prepare them to receive Him. The people were a bit negligent in their preparations and self-centered in their expectations for what this Messiah would do for them. As a result, they not only failed to recognize Him, they actually had part in seeing to it that He was exterminated. Their "reality" was, and continues to be, that God has still not sent the promised Messiah to "deliver" His people. So does this mean that "reality" is that He was here and was who some said He was, or not? What does that mean for you and me now? Do we study the recorded witnesses of His life and teachings because our choice of "reality" is that Jesus Christ was the promised Messiah and His words contain guidance for making righteous choices? Is our "reality" that nobody really knows therefore we can remain self-centered as the chosen people in the meridian of time and continue forming God in the image of our own choosing? Therefore we absolve ourselves from any alteration in our own lifestyle because our "reality" is that we don't need to change anything about ourselves until we know for sure. In the meantime, we continue to "expect" God to deliver us from any pain or heartache when we want it, totally unrelated to any obedience or effort on our part. When He doesn't do what we want Him to do, we choose a "reality" that either He doesn't exist or He doesn't love us or He's punishing us unfairly. So, "reality" is really what we make it to be.

Who am I- really???

[To make sure I give credit where credit is due, I want you to know that lots of what I include here is from Dieter F. Uchtdorf's talk in the priesthood session of the Oct. 2014 General Conference. I will try to be sure I make it obvious which words are his directly.]
He cited a Cornell University study that showed how poor we are at honestly recognizing our own performance level. This particular study showed that students who performed poorly were the least accurate at evaluating their performance on a series of tests on various life skills. Some of them estimated their scores to be five times higher than they actually were. In addition, across 4 studies, participants that scored in the bottom percentage on tests of humor, grammar, and logic grossly overestimated their performance and ability to the extent that those whose scores were in the bottom 12% estimated themselves to be at a 62% level. That's quite a disparity! Some very "successful people overestimate their own contribution and underestimate the contributions that others make."
In Russ and my living conditions for a great deal of the past 4 decades, including sharing living space for prolonged times with other people, along with now having been married for nearly 45 years sharing living spaces, we have been faced with an awareness of how different people's perspectives can be. What is "reality"? What one remembers "accurately" may be totally different from what another remembers. What may be logical to one may seem nonsense to another. What may be the only way to do something well may be all wrong to another. Throughout my life I have had times when I wished I could be a fly on the wall to hear what someone says when I am not around. Or I have wished for a secret video taping to see myself or someone else or some incident instantly replayed. How do we know when we have an accurate perspective? The scriptures have many references to the time when we come to the judgement bar of God or meet Jesus Christ face-to-face and we will have a full remembrance of our guilt, wrongdoing, sincerity, efforts, or worth. I know we can often be our own worst critics. There is a plaque popular among Latter Day Saints that says, in effect, "I wish you could see yourself as I see you" next to a portrayal of Jesus Christ. [This is where I want to include some of Elder Uchtdorf's wise words as an apostle of the Lord, a prophet, seer, and revelator. They won't necessarily be in order as they were in his talk.]
I'm not sure why we are able to diagnose and recommend remedies for other people's ills so well, while we often have difficulty seeing our own... [We] may appear on the outside to be disciples of Jesus Christ, but on the inside [our] hearts have separated from [our] Savior and His teachings.....Some are convinced that their busy schedules or unique circumstances make them exempt from the daily acts of devotion and service that would keep them close to the Spirit. In this age of self-justification and narcissism, it is easy to become quite creative at coming up with excuses for not regularly approaching God in prayer, procrastinating the study of the scriptures, avoiding Church meetings and family home evening, or not paying an honest tithe and offerings... IF it is your great desire to cultivate Christlike attributes of "faith, virtue, knowledge, temperance, patience, brotherly kindness, godliness, charity, humility, [and service], Heavenly Father will make you an instrument in His hands unto the salvation of many souls.... Being able to see ourselves clearly is essential to our spiritual growth and well-being. If our weaknesses and shortcomings remain obscured in the shadows, then the redeeming power of the Savior cannot heal them and make them strengths... Those who do not wish to learn and change probably will not and most likely will begin to wonder whether the Church has anything to offer them. But those who want to improve and progress, those who learn of the Savior and desire to be like Him, those who humble themselves as a little child and seek to bring their thoughts and actions into harmony with our Father in Heaven- they will experience the miracle of the Savior's Atonement. They will surely feel God's resplendent Spirit. They will taste the indescribable joy that is the fruit of a meek and humble heart. They will be blessed with the desire and discipline to become true disciples of Jesus Christ.
It's really hard to look in the mirror and see who we truly are, as I once mentioned a former Buddhist friend explained to me for how she practiced "religion". When we are depressed we can see a hopeless failure. When we have accomplished something major or been praised, we may think we are not needing much improvement. When we are feeling lazy, we may justify ourselves by claiming we don't think it's necessary to try harder. Because there are as many perspectives as there are people and each person has different strengths and weaknesses requiring differing efforts in different areas, how can we rate our own progress? How can we "be perfect" as Christ commanded? Beyond excusing ourselves as mortals thereby incapable of perfection, how can we be able to withstand facing our Savior or our Heavenly Father with a clear recollection of what we have said and done? How can we avoid being discouraged to the point of paralysis? Elder Uchtdorf says:
May I suggest the holy scriptures and the talks given at general conference are an effective mirror we can hold up for self-examination? As you hear or read the words of the ancient and modern prophets, refrain from thinking about how the words apply to someone else and ask the simple question: "Lord, is it I?"
You can not measure ANYTHING without a standard to measure by. Since God gave each of us the freedom to decide for ourselves who we want to be, we each choose our heroes or standards to go by. If you have no desire to be Christlike, don't bother reading any more of this because it's not meaningful for you. You can choose to be just who you are right now if that's what you want. Otherwise, Elder Uchtdorf's words might be helpful for you. If you hear a talk about dressing modestly and you are currently striving to always wear in public clothing you would be comfortable wearing in the presence of the Lord, then you don't need to fret about that. On the other hand, if you hear a talk about controlling passion/anger and you are currently justifying outbursts by blaming others, maybe you should pray for help to overcome a weakness you would prefer to change. If you read a scripture about being honest and you feel you are as honest as you can be (without hurting people's feelings), give yourself a smile that at least you're doing well on that one. But if you read a scripture about loving your enemy and praying for those who despitefully use you and you know you aren't even good at avoiding resentment toward family and friends, maybe you could do some more study, ponder, and seek help from the Spirit to change to a more loving, forgiving person. Our Heavenly Father loves every single one of us but that does not mean He wants us to stay just the way we are. Our Savior has atoned for our sins but, as He said to the woman taken in adultery, "Go thy way and sin no more." They believe you and I can be better than we are right now. They're wiser than we are so we can trust them and keep working at being able to like ourselves rather than trying so hard to simply justify ourselves.

A continuation of thought

I recently posted on Facebook that unsolicited advice is often perceived as implied criticism. I believe that as a true concept but I'm not sure how to incorporate it into my life. On the receiving side, I guess I need to consider when someone offers a suggestion that they truly have some experience or knowledge I lack and simply want to help. If they are being critical, maybe they're having a bad day so they are seeing a lot of negative angles. Maybe they're a critical personality and don't mean to hurt me personally, they just don't have the ability to see anybody or anything in a positive light. They need to be constantly "adjusting" the world around them. That's their problem, not mine. But I also need to remain humble enough to consider whether their suggestion, whatever their own motivation, may actually be helpful to me. Maybe I need to consider changing my own perception or methods. If on quick consideration, I see no benefit to their idea, I can just cheerfully accept their "suggestion" and let it go. Dwelling on it, stewing about it, harboring resentment about it, is not going to be constructive. This is where that serenity prayer comes in about helping to accept or knowing when to change and discerning the difference.
As for the flip side- as I get older, I find I have had many years to ponder things. I have read and experienced some things resulting in understandings that I am anxious to share. I have a great desire to help others, ease suffering, accomplish things, and such. Sharing is not always received, whether it's well-motivated or a simple desire to control the outcome. I often ponder what someone else has expressed to me as a frustration or trial for a long time before offering suggestions. Sometimes I offer advice on the spot if it seems needed. I have been the recipient of unsolicited advice that was offered by someone I wasn't aware had a knowledge I lacked about something. That has been helpful at times. So I can consider that as a possibility. I guess the bottom line on the side of offering unsolicited advice is that I should err on the side of silence. If I feel really strongly motivated to say something or step in and help, I should probably do it. Otherwise, maybe it's best if I just smile, nod, and offer encouragement, and be patient, long-suffering, loving, etc. I would love to have conversations about such concepts but not everybody enjoys such interactions. So I will continue to search, ponder, and pray.

Where do we go from here?

I have posted before about helping or ennabling. I am aware that when you keep "helping" someone, you are often just creating a dependent. Ultimately that can reduce a person's confidence in their own judgement or ability to act. Upon further pondering, I am slowly understanding the extent to which this is a true principle. As a basic idea, anyone can see that if you constantly carry a toddler, they cannot perfect the ability to walk. You may love them and have a desire to "help" them, but the very best way to help them is to let them stumble, pick themselves up, and just cheer them on. Otherwise, they expect you to do the walking for them. Taken a step further, if you bail out adult children too much, or even choose to be frequently charitable to any one person out of the goodness of your heart and/or love for them, they soon look to you as a resource to which they are entitled rather than a bonus for which they are grateful. It's easy enough to recognize that giving answers for a required test or taking over part of a required task in order to qualify for something (parents doing a kid's homework, someone giving a college student answers to an exam, completing some part of a practical for someone working to qualify for a position or credential) is counter-productive. I would not want to be operated on by a doctor who had someone else pass their tests or do their practicals for them. I would not even want my furnace repaired by someone who skipped part of their training but had someone cover for them so they could receive their certification. It doesn't matter if the person seeking the qualifications has a deficit from dyslexia to blindness, from tremors to paralysis. If the task can not be completed by that person, they should not simply be passed because someone feels sorry for them. Every individual MUST be able to do an honest self-analysis and determine if, no matter how badly they may claim to want it, they are truly qualified before demanding qualification. It's not about getting pats on the back or loving unconditionally. It's simply, objectively "can you do this or not?" On the part of the one trying to "help", they need to honestly, objectively, patiently recognize that in order to qualify or succeed, the person they are trying to "help" MUST do at least a minimum for themselves before you step in. Always, always, it is appropriate to express love and encouragement. But the encouragement is only helpful to those who are sincere in their desire to honestly qualify and recognize they need to be independently eligible beyond just wishful thinking. Sometimes, we have to stand by and watch a lot of stumbling and falling before someone we love finally makes a genuine concerted effort to make it on their own. We may get impatient and step in too early thereby not helping at all but simply prolonging the learning or growing phase.Discerning that requires wisdom. That's what God has that we don't yet.
It's a good thing God hasn't "handed us the keys to the car" yet. He may ask us to do things, through an assigned position (parent, ecclesiastic authority, occupation He helped you get), but He will only help us in our tasks if we seek and are willing to do His will. We may manage to accomplish something on our own but maybe it's not as good as it could have been. That's not God being bossy. That is WISDOM! If He were to give us ability and authority to intervene in other people's lives before we have the wisdom to know what is best for that person, we could make a real mess of things. As it is, we have authority and accountability for OURSELVES (agency) and we make plenty of messes we then have to cry to Him for help to get out of. Imagine if we could just go about removing people's trials because we love them and don't want to see them suffer. What would they then learn? Trials are not a TOTALLY bad thing, miserable as they are. Paul expressed gratitude for the thorn in his flesh. I don't know if I am quite as ready to be grateful for all my trials, but I'm working on it. I have reached the point where I can recognize and appreciate the wisdom of God- ALL the wisdom- the good, the miserable and the ugly. He doesn't want us to suffer but He does want us to learn and grow. We tend to be mostly independent, feisty children who often think we know better than He does. I am completely willing to accept His will in all things. I haven't always figured out exactly what that is- but I'm willing to accept it and keep striving to know Him well enough to figure it out. He says, "Be ye therefore perfect". I am totally aware that I am far from perfect. However, I believe in HIM enough to believe that if He tells me to do something, I can do it. I may have to ask for help but if I am making a sincere effort without quitting, I can work at getting there. So can you, and we can trust that our loving Father in Heaven will be there to help.

Gold and Glory

My last couple of posts have had to do with the mundane, howbeit fascinating, workings of our physical brain functions. I want to go to a more ethereal, less tangible concept related to our brains and learning.
Most people who have any awareness of the teachings of Jesus Christ or even other religious leaders know that worldly things are not the greatest of acquisitions to pursue. I wouldn't even begin to try to quote very many but here is a well-known one from Jesus: " Lay not up for yourselves treasures upon earth where moth and rust doth corrupt, and where thieves break through and steal: But lay up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where neither moth nor rust doth corrupt, and where thieves do not break through nor steal: For where your treasure is, there will your heart be also." (Matt. 6:19-21)
So, with that in mind, what do most people expect when they hear promises from God about rewards in Heaven? There have been sayings and songs for a long time about the streets in Heaven being paved in gold. Do most people expect blessings from God, now or later, to be in the form of money, jewels, riches, or earthly treasures? Why would He do that when He counsels us so strongly not to pursue those very things? He promises us that He wants to share with us all that He has. What is it we expect? Why would God value gold, silver, even titanium or plutonium when He created it and knows how to make more? What is truly THE most valuable thing? Some might mention LOVE, which is surely of inestimable value. But the thing God wants most to share with us?
Throughout the ages, artists and poets have tried to capture what is meant by the "glory" of God. The scriptures actually give a definition of it (and this happens to be my very favorite scripture because it has been so enlightening to me): "The glory of God is intelligence, or, in other words, light and truth". (Doctrine &Covenants 93:36) The greatest treasure ANYONE could attain is intelligence, or light and truth. Isn't that awesome to think about? In addition, unlike earthly treasures (remember? You can't take it with you?), we get to keep whatever intelligence we gain in this mortal life when we leave here. "Whatever principle of intelligence we attain unto in this life, it will rise with us in the resurrection. And if a person gains more knowledge and intelligence in this life through his diligence and obedience than another, he will have so much the advantage in the world to come." (D&C 130:18-19) There is no competition implied here, it just means that we are all going to learn all He knows (though we'll NEVER actually catch up) eventually. If we manage to start acquiring light and truth rather than wasting our time acquiring things and learning trivial nonsense, we'll be that much further along after we complete our mortal probation. So, who gets to decide how much we'll acquire? WE DO! It is a choice each of us makes. Jesus spoke about "many mansions" of His father and going to prepare a place for us. Again, the scriptures can enlighten us. "All kingdoms have a law given: And there are many kingdoms; for there is no space in the which there is no kingdom: and there is no kingdom in which there is no space, either a greater or lesser kingdom." In the Doctrine and Covenants, the Lord explains those various kingdoms, or spaces, or mansions. He explains that our resurrected bodies will be able to go on eternally because they are quickened by the Spirit, rather than by blood. He also explains that each body will be quickened by that portion of glory (or truth and light) that he is willing to receive. "They shall return again to their own place, to enjoy that which they are willing to receive, because they were not willing to enjoy that which they were not willing to enjoy that which they might have received." (D&C 88: 32) I don't know about you, but I find it thrilling to gain real knowledge. I'm not talking about stuff to be able to win at Trivial Pursuit. Eternally, who is going to care what movie gained what Oscars or who sang what song? For anyone who has tried to learn geography, you know that the boundaries of countries or states, even the paths of rivers are subject to change. Many languages have gone into extinction. Scientific principles- at least as far as man has gotten so far, lessons learned from history/the errors or wise choices of others, mathematics and logic- those can benefit us. WE are the ones who choose what we're going to acquire. No one can force us to learn anything we don't care to learn. On the other hand, no one can take away from us anything we have learned. In the eternal sense, even if we develop Alzheimer's here or someone injures our brain so we can't remember, our spirits/souls will have that knowledge. After we leave the imperfect bodies we know have, we'll know what we know! I think that's awesome.

Last post for today on the brain

Because I had a recent conversation about PTSD (post-traumatic stress disorder) with someone recently, I wanted to share what little I know about how it works. Over time, certain pathways in the brain are favored which means if a pathway is used repeatedly , it causes a growth in the number or size of neurotransmitting tissue. This is learning. The growth of new body tissue generally takes about 6 weeks. The growth can be stimulated to occur more quickly or more effectively by using additional pathways to reinforce learning. For instance, physical movement (hand motions to a song) can reinforce learning the words. Music can promote quicker and longer-lasting memory of words. If you really want to memorize something, put it to music! Most learning requires a gradual process with repetition. However, when adrenalin is added, it can embed a memory after even just one incident. Think of a path through a field. If you walk that path, it may get beat down a little. The more you walk it, the deeper and more permanent it becomes. However, if you go over that path with a plow just one time, it's pretty difficult to erase the path.
When we experience trauma, e.g. an accident, death of a loved one, unexpected betrayal by a loved one, even battle, there is adrenalin enough to plow that memory deeply in our brains. You can't just ignore the pathway because it is too deep. Over time, it may get grown over a bit but it will always be there. When the pathway is deep and has required an immediate reaction, as in the case of defense in a war situation, it can be nearly impossible to re-learn how to react. Stress, loud noise, anger, even certain smells or sights can trigger an instinctive reaction. It is not at all unusual for someone who has been in a war or war-like situation to be ready to strike out at ANYONE who startles them or stresses them, even if they love that person. Overcoming that instinctive reaction can be done but it requires, first of all, an awareness that just being out of the situation is no guarantee of easily forgetting or changing behavior. The person and anyone around them needs to understand that it will require time, no matter how badly the person want to react differently. Trying to "hurry up" and change just increases the stress and the likelihood of more undesired behavior. Secondly, in order to "re-learn", there has to be concerted effort, reminders, training, discussion or counseling- whatever works best and is available. That will take time. Thirdly, forgiveness is essential. That would include self-forgiveness as well as forgiveness from those around you. Being able to change perspective, finding an alternative pathway, will help over time. It's not instant and it's not easy. But it can be done.

Part 2 to the below post about teenage brains

This is additional information to the previous blog on the teenage brain. It's such an pivotal era in life and there is so much going on that I feel it's important to emphasize the need to try to understand. Teenagers process feelings and instructions in the amygdala (seat of emotions in the brain) rather than the prefrontal cortex (seat of rational thought) as adults do. As I explain in the below posting, the prefrontal cortex is in the process of extensive remodeling in the teenage brain! Identifying and understanding emotions in themselves as well as in others is a development-related skill rather than a natural instinct. That is why teenagers can sometimes seem to lack compassion as well as being emotionally charged to over-react. Teens can use some help in developing the skill of recognizing the feelings of others as well as analyzing their own reactions. This can be done by adults setting examples (on a train or bus a parent could say "that person looks old/tired/ ill so I will give up my seat to them"), role playing (in the LDS Church we have weekly family home evenings which would be a perfect time to offer real-life situations where kids could think about how to react), hearing about other people's experiences (don't just tell the factual details, include how you feel or noticed another's feelings), or even just thought-provoking questions (How do you think that handicapped person feels when kids complain they're moving slow or in the way?). Teenagers also need opportunities to practice self-management/control skills in order to develop them. It can be helpful for teens as well as the adults around them to understand that they can and should recognize, ponder, try to understand, and seek to control anger, passion, hyper-excitement, depression, and over-sensitivity to possible offense. It is not a desirable thing for us to become emotionless automatons but it is much more peaceful for society as well as individuals to be able to ride the waves of reaction to incidents rather than go to extremes in outward emotions. Willpower is a measurable trait that draws on a finite mental resource that can be strengthened through training. Lashing out at loved ones or strangers can cause undesirable reactions. Extreme expressions of emotion are exhausting for any individual as well as for those around that individual. Think in terms of things like road rage....... or passionate hugging leading to kissing between teens in isolated places...... or depths of depression by a teen who has had a bad day at school and feels unpopular, unsuccessful, therefore worthless.
I repeat, it is not desirable to do away with emotions and the expressions thereof. It is just easier to cope with less extreme outbursts of emotions. Sometimes people can incite riots, suicide, going further than they intended simply by riding a wave of hysteria. Adults SHOULD be a little better about understanding feelings and can help by letting teens know that what they're feeling is okay. Figuring out how to deal with those feelings is what they might need help with.

Everybody has one

Anyone who knows me has heard me go on and on about the brain. We don't all have an interest in sports. We don't all have an interest in history. We are all very different in size, shape, talents, and abilities. But we all have a body that includes (and is controlled by) a brain. So, I tend to go on and on because I am fascinated by information as to the functions of this majorly important part of us. That information wasn't widely available until relatively recently. So I want to share a little about what I have learned through quite a bit of reading and listening to lectures. For those who have a teenager, or who currently have the brain of a teenager (I'm talking in real time/age, not attitude), I want to share information that I wish I had been aware of as I was trying to guide children through youth. I am going to start with quoting some stuff I wrote up and sent to my kids a year or more ago so if anyone reading this is one of my kids and you have read it before, this will be a review.
Adults sometimes wonder if teenagers have a brain and, if they do, why they aren't using it. Brains actually undergo massive reorganization between the ages of 12 and 25. The brain doesn't grow much in size during that time because it has already reached 90% of full size by age 6. Any head growth after that is mostly due to thickening of the skull. (This is not a joke though it's funny. Literally, the bone gets thicker.) But during those years the axons- long fibers used by the neurons to send signals to other neurons- become more insulated with the fatty substance called myelin. This tissue is important because it actually speeds up  the brain's transmissions. This white tissue increases slowly from the stem in the back of the brain to the frontal areas where complex thinking (like making judgement calls) occurs. The axons also develop more branches and the most heavily used synapses are made richer and stronger. In other words, whatever thoughts, action, feelings you are reinforcing during this period of brain development are becoming a more permanent part of you. (That's why this is a perfect age for going to school to learn languages, history, facts, etc.) The synapses that are not being used will wither. The result is that the gray matter is pruned to become thinner and more efficient. As some paths are pruned away, causing a disruption of speed and intensity of thought patterns, it also allows branching off of new pathways. This could be seen as "thinking outside the box" but often feels to adults like rebellion or challenge to rules and authority. Teens gradually will get better at complex thinking to balance impulse, desire, goals, self-interest, rules, ethics all to generate behavior that is more complex and sensible because it isn't so impulsive.
The problem is that, while all this development is occurring (invisible and unbeknownst to anyone including the person experiencing it), teenagers are big enough, independent enough, and capable of acting on their own without have sufficient good judgement yet to understand or foresee consequences. Teens clumsy brain developments can bring unbearable and long-term consequences. This is where parents, teachers, and other adult leaders for youth can be helpful. As a part of natural development, teenagers will look outside their family (parents) more and more. This is in preparation for eventual separation and independence and should not be viewed as an insult or grief for parents. Often teenagers will look to their peers for ideas or guidance. This is NOT such a good thing. Their peers are just as clueless as they are. Sometimes bad ideas get passed around and there can be undesirable consequences. All adults can be aware of this stage of life and rather than take a scornful view of teenagers, avoiding contact with them, it could be helpful to try to be an influence for good. It isn't effective to try to take over leading a pack of teenagers, unless you are an official teacher or leader recognized by the pack as someone with appropriate authority. But if you can be a friend to an individual teenager and share stories that may include lessons learned, you may be a big influence for good in that person's life. As for your own kids, don't worry too much when they tell you that they admire a friend's father who has a career exciting to them or they really like to spend time at a friend's house because they love the mother's cooking. It's okay to let them develop a relationship with another adult but try to "steer" them toward someone who is likely to be a good influence. Go ahead and encourage relationships with successful adults whether a neighbor, parent of a schoolmate, or even a grandparent or other adult relative. The teenager needs to be growing toward independence. Recognizing and respecting their agency to choose for themselves is essential to the teenager's self-image. It will be difficult for them to believe in themselves if you don't believe in them. However, you have wisdom and ability to judge that the teenager simply doesn't have yet. That's not an insult to the teenager. It is a biological fact. Teenagers are prone to think their ideas are so new that no one has ever come up with them before. Occasionally that happens. But often that new idea is new mostly to the teenager himself. An adult will be aware of that but the teenager won't. Curfews, rules, and consequences (especially when you can warn them of them ahead of time) are essential to help build in safety limits. If you let kids date before age 16, then dating by 16 will be boring and they will be ready to use their new freedom of driving to potentially get in trouble. If you have no limits as to when they should be home in bed, they may stay out all night resulting in poor performance in school (resulting in lesser chance at college acceptance or scholarships) or they may do things that people do in the dark that they would never do in broad daylight.
I plan to do more explaining about how knowledge of how the brain functions can help in everyday understanding and choices. I hope some of the information helps someone, somewhere, sometime.

How are you identified?

My husband was a firefighter for 20 years then retired. He now identifies himself to people as a "retired firefighter". He always says he had a job that he was never reluctant to go to work for and bemoans having lost that daily productivity. He has since done quite a bit of charter bus driving and now sometimes identifies himself as a bus driver. I have on occasion mentioned that I have spent many years as a seamstress but I don't think I have ever expressed regret that I don't do it very much anymore. I have children and grandchildren but I no longer have any primary responsibilities to care for them. As we drove by several houses today I was looking at yards and windows, noticing things like model sailing ships, cowboy themed metal yard ornaments, holiday decorations, etc. I thought about what household decorations I have collected over the years, which have now been packed up for over 5 years and will continue to be in a storage space for at least 2 more years. Often our home decor gives hints as to "who we are". For instance, people who have done a lot of travel often have furnishings and knick-knacks from various places in the world. People who are religious have religious pictures and objects. People who have large, loving families have lots of family pictures, kids' drawings on the refrigerator, pillows made or embroidered by family, and similar items. All of those things from past or present occupations to home decor to hobbies do not actually "IDENTIFY" you. They can give hints as to how you might have come upon traditions you follow or feelings about things. But my husband is NOT simply a retired firefighter. That gives hints as to what his political leanings are likely to be or what his basic personality may be, but it doesn't totally tell anyone exactly who he is, what he believes, or how he reacts to things. I can identify myself beyond just what I have for home decor- especially under my present circumstances of not even having a home to decorate! It's sad when people lose what they consider their identifiers whether they lose a job or retire, whether they have a home burn down or have important things stolen. But I think it would behoove all of us to realize and remember that those things are NOT WHO WE ARE! People who aspire to own things or be some occupation are too often grieved way beyond what is reasonable when they don't acquire or achieve what they had hoped. There are so many things in life to truly bring grief that purposely causing this kind of self-inflicted pain is unnecessary. You can be whoever you want to be as a person in any job with any home or wardrobe or hobby. You can be motherly without ever bearing children. You can be brave without ever bearing arms against an enemy. You can be charitable without giving away all of your financial resources. Other people will know who you are soon enough. It will show- for good or bad. If you put on a "good show" with a fancy house or wardrobe or certificate on the wall you may get instant recognition but it will only be temporary. Soon enough people will get to know you better and find out who you really are. So who are you?

I don't really know who or how many read this blog. I use it basically as a way of analyzing, organizing, and recording my thoughts. This blog I just posted was not particularly uplifting which is what I generally strive for. I would really like some responses from others if you have the time and inclination. Thanks.

The hard part-

Unknowingly, I set myself up for devastation. I have always maintained that my favorite genre of book and film is historical or historical fiction. I want to feel that I have learned something from the story, not just been entertained by someone else's imagination. Several years ago I read Elie Weisel's Night, Corrie ten Boom's The Hiding Place, saw the movie and read the book The Help, and today Russ and I went to see Unbroken. As I watched, trying to decide whether to wait to see how it turned out while praying for it to be over, or just get up and leave without what I hoped would give me some peace of mind in the end, I started (and have continued) to analyze my feelings. What caused me to sob nearly uncontrollably was not as much the horror of what POW's went through, but that human beings are capable of such evil. It's one thing to be patriotic or defend when attacked, but the anger and hatred that allows a human being to inflict incredible pain on another human being just causes me to feel nauseous. My heart felt like it was being forced through a wringer. Whether the justification is "you are my enemy" or "you are not really a human like me" or "you deserve this" doesn't matter. What matters is that a human being who experiences pain, sorrow, love (maybe), or even just discomfort can go to the extent of causing pain enough to draw blood or result in death or permanent injury to another human being. Sometimes it is even done over and over again by that same person. An adult can go beyond a swat on a little one's behind NOT because they are concerned about the child's safety (like when you are trying to emphasize NOT poking a screwdriver in an outlet or NOT running out in the street) but because they are ANGRY. When angry, tears from the injured party can even cause the anger to worsen because somewhere deep inside the adult there is a feeling of guilt or compassion they want to override. A person in a position of authority feels they have been somehow challenged or disrespected so they inflict punishment (lashing a slave, beating a prisoner, firing an employee who has not really neglected their responsibilities but has somehow offended the boss). Begging for mercy sometimes increases the anger of the authority because they feel an inner rush of power over the underling.
I can't help but recall the times I may have gone a little farther than I should have in punishing, somehow justifying myself due to a child's rebelliousness or my weakness due to being tired, ill, or stressed out. Did I have that angry attitude that could allow me to do real harm to another human? When does the "line" get crossed? People are sometimes killed over their choice of sports team to root for. When does the name-calling, the jeers, the chest-thumping go too far? And why is any of that even justifiable when you aren't actually playing in the game where you could maybe say you need to be pumped up to better perform? How can anyone of any race, nationality, color, or gender justify mistreating another human being because they feel superior simply by any of those aspects of the person? How can a man be angry enough to rape a woman? How can people riot and destroy property to try to "pay back" people who may not have even been involved with whatever unfairness they may feel was shown? Even if someone IS your enemy or has expressed insults and derision, how can a human being enjoy hurting another human being? Isn't that hypocritical? It even hurts me to know I have a loved one who cries over mistreatment of animals but is fascinated by serial killers and voraciously reads gory books and watches sickening movies or tv shows. Where is the line between an empathetic tender human and a monster? What about road rage? How can a person use a vehicle, which is a potentially deadly weapon, in a way that could cause harm or even death to another person, simply because they didn't like  a choice they made in driving?
I have been praying for a long time for some of the wisdom God has which allows Him to observe our bad choices without stepping in to stop us. I understand how wonderful and necessary it is that we all have been given the freedom to make our own choices. We need to decide for ourselves who we want to be. We need to sometimes feel or even just observe the consequences of our choices so we can raise to a higher standard than the animals who react by instinct for survival. Where is the line? After watching this movie, I wondered, did Angelina Jolie (who did a great job directing this very realistic movie) have a part in encouraging the anger and hatred on the faces of the actors? Were they able to call up such feelings on their own? How much of that do we all have inside us? How do we overcome it if we really don't want to be that way?
I understand Christ atoned for sins. I am as grateful as I can be considering my very finite mind and puny understanding. But the atonement only takes care of repented thoughts and actions. If we seek to justify ourselves, it is only fair that we suffer the consequences. Even if we don't feel the anguish, regret and sorrow until after we die, we just need to truly acknowledge that what we did was wrong or we haven't learned anything. So what I am currently grieving is the natural man in every human being that goes to some degree far enough to injure another human being without regret. Right now I feel crushingly ashamed to be have any natural man elements inside me. The end of mortality (death) is NOT the hard part- living is.

Enriched just by observation

I can't go through blogs about my children without including John. He was not placed in our family genetically but by choice. Formal adoption most often occurs before the true character of a child is evident and is usually a choice made by just the parents. In the case of John, he was nearly an adult when he entered our family's life and all of the members of our family embraced him willingly. Although I'm sure he has genetic traces from his parents, he has truly become a man of his own making who has enriched my life as well as the lives of all our family members. He has chosen an exemplary path for himself. I can claim no real input for his development. Russ and I have just had the opportunity to observe him as he has bumped along through life, making choices and reaching goals. He is not without flaws but, in general, no one in our family (including those who have married into or been born into our family since he joined us) has ever regretted having him counted as one of our own. He travels a lot, mostly domestically, because he's a pilot. We have been enriched by his choice of a wonderful wife and his amazing children.  He is as clever as Russ in fixing things. He is fun and laughs as much as Lisa or Ammon. He is intelligent and has passed on that brain power (along with his wife's genes which are equally bright) to his 5 children. He is also good-hearted and serves others as much as any of our children, if not more, and has encouraged his children to follow suit. He is hardworking and honest. He is as faithful as James or Angela in endeavoring to follow the example of our Savior. We couldn't love him more.

Laughter and learning

Our youngest, Lisa, is every bit as smart as her siblings. She has always had a tender side, twice deciding to be a vegetarian because she hates cruelty to any living thing. Having Ammon as her closest-in-age sibling had quite an impact on her. She was frustrated by him a LOT, but also had an example of laughter. Times I can remember having laughed the hardest were with Lisa- playing board games as a family, playing duets on the piano, or traveling countless hours on the road with her. One of the reasons I have laughed so hard with her is due to her intelligence. She laughs at silly, slapstick things, but is also clever.

Besides sharing laughter with her, I have spent countless hours reading literary classics and scriptures with her, discussing principles, theories, and opinions. As we traveled together, we spent hours memorizing state capitals, state mottos, state birds, and trying to quiz each other on various songs and other things. She has enriched my desire and opportunities to learn. I homeschooled her for a year then later she went to a small private school for awhile which gave me the chance to teach a middle school-aged class in order to pay for her schooling. I continue to be able to give and receive learning as we share articles and information. I'm glad all of my children continue to seek education through reading, pondering, and experiences rather than being hypnotized by mind-numbing entertainment as much of society has.  

Fun and frustration

I didn't have it in mind originally but after doing the blog about being with Angela (and family) then the traveling with James, I began to ponder how each of my children, as adults, have enriched my life the most. Angela has been encouraging to any artistic leanings I have and James has broadened my international experiences. Ammon, though personally no longer a part of my mortal life experiences, has enriched my life and- through his family- continues to enrich my life.

 Even as a baby, Ammon laughed more than any of my other children. He loved playing games, to the point that he got a little intense about winning. More than once we had to remind him that winning wasn't worth cheating. Still, as he grew up, he continued to play games but with a better attitude about winning. The night he died, Russ and I were on our way to spend the night with him and his family having dinner then playing games. Ultimately, I like to think we laughed with Ammon more than we got frustrated with him over the course of his too-short lifespan. Now we have his three children to enjoy. They are the genetic results of two intense, passionate, fun-loving people in their mother and father. From their excitement to throw themselves into our arms when visiting "Grandma and Grandpa" to just the thrill of life, they are a lot of fun! The flip side is that they can be just as passionate about being stubborn or rebellious. Fun and frustrating .................

Part of who I am

I don't know where it came from. I was watching some young Greek dancers at a local festival (sponsored by and for the benefit of a Greek Orthodox Church) after having wolfed down a gyro and a baklava ice cream sundae, and I realized how much I enjoy so many aspects of international culture. I remember my mother opening our home to foreign exchange students when I was young. They never came for a full year but we had lots of kids from countries all over the world stay with us off and on, especially during summers, for a few days at a time. I was a part of an experimental program to start foreign languages at elementary level and learned a smattering of French then Spanish. I loved it. I never went abroad myself, though. I got to see a very little bit of Mexico, just over the border, on a trip with my parents when I was around 6 or 7. I got as far north as the St. Lawrence Seaway a few years later but I didn't even get to Niagara Falls.
When I married Russ, he made it clear that he would be willing to travel around our country but had no interest in getting a passport and going where they spoke a different language. So I resigned myself to looking through National Geographic magazines, trying to remember the French I learned, and supporting a local organization (AFS) for high school student exchange programs. Any time I saw the word "international", I was intrigued- a program, a book, even stores like Pier One Imports. I loved to see what to me were strange fashions and very different architecture or home decor. I can tell you flat-out that God is aware of us personally. He saw to it that I got to travel and see and experience despite having a husband who initially wasn't interested and an income that would not normally allow much travel in the U.S. much less internationally. When Russ auditioned for and made it into the Mormon Tabernacle Choir, we found out that in less than a year they would be touring Europe. We scrambled to raise enough money (with the Lord's help in providing a major sewing job for me to earn a large sum of money- He doesn't grow money on trees, you know) for me to go for most of the tour, starting on a cruise ship in Italy which stopped in several cities along the Mediterranean: Italy, France, then Spain. We got off the ship and rode in buses overland to Madrid then to Portugal and flew home. It was wonderful! I wasn't set on buying a ton of souvenirs because my memories were more important and most of what we could afford anyway. Russ willingly went on an island-hopping Caribbean cruise with me and most of my family and found it wasn't so bad being out of the U.S..  I also got to visit my parents while they were serving an LDS mission in Tonga and loved it. Then I had no hesitation in going to Guam all by myself for the birth of a grandchild, although I was too late for the actual birth.
But I have to acknowledge that my greatest opportunities for international travel have come through my firstborn, James. He somehow inherited my international fascination and managed to earn his way to be an exchange student to Germany while in high school. After a year outside the country, he never stayed in the U.S. for very many years in a row, except to complete his education. Even then, he spent a semester at the BYU Jerusalem Center. His wife is a native German, though you'd never know it upon talking to her. She managed to become fluent in English speaking with absolutely no detectable German accent. She has embraced his career in the State Dept. which involves living in different countries every couple of years. Their family has hosted us in Switzerland (and to Germany), Jordan, Lithuania (and through Estonia and Latvia to Finland), Germany again (and to Italy as well as all around Germany), and most recently to Israel and through Jordan to Egypt. I have loved every minute of trudging up and down hills and mountains, through castles and ruins, hearing different kinds of music, eating all kinds of different cuisines, and seeing sites I had previously only seen in movies, on tv or in National Geographics. So if you have a worthwhile dream, don't give up on it no matter how impossible it may seem. You have a Heavenly Father who really would like you to be happy and as long as it doesn't involve anything that might impede your eternal progression, you're very likely to receive wonderful, unexpected blessings. Wait for it.......................................

More Louisiana activities

We really appreciate Angela's creativity and interest in expanding abilities. We were fortunate enough to be included in her latest addition to her skills. Near the base is a "Glass Emporium" which is, in itself, unusual. For Angela it is fortuitous. Angela started working with stained glass several years ago now and has blessed many people and homes and even a museum with her excellent skill. This place in Louisiana offered the opportunity to teach, in one evening, how to blow glass ornaments. Russ, Angela, Scott, Tanis, and I all got to experience it. We mostly succeeded, having really messed up only a few. The first picture is Russ and me heating the glass tubes in preparation for blowing the bulb shape.

 During this phase you also have the opportunity to attach, on the inside, some colored bits of glass to make the ornament more colorful and unique. Then when the little pieces are melted onto the inside and the glass is hot, you blow into it like Angela is doing here. It's very much like blowing up a kid's water balloon. You have to blow hard at first but then be careful you don't blow too long because you can explode it!

 I helped Angela by piecing a back for the beautiful train quilt she made Martin. I didn't get a picture of that. But here is what Russ spent several hours doing- making Lego tables- in the end there was 60+ square feet of table space for construction along with shelves and storage racks underneath. They have LOTS of Legos. We stopped counting only the little Lego guys at over 200!

All the space is already filled with a train that loops around an airport, a construction scene, a village, and I don't know what all..................

Louisiana

We are getting really bad about taking pictures even at a time when people with phone cameras are flooding the internet with selfies. We have only documented a few of our activities for our recent stay with Angela's family in Louisiana for over a month. The first photo is celebrating Martin's birthday which was a couple of weeks after we arrived. The first couple of weeks were spent enjoying Christmas and a visit from Victoria, Jeremy, Kadon, and Brooklyn. We went horseback riding, to a science museum, out to eat a couple of times, put together a puzzle, and generally enjoyed being together as a family.

These next two pictures are from Angela and me driving from Shreveport to Little Rock, Arkansas just to get our hair done! Seriously, we wanted to see our good friend Jennifer who always did our hair when we lived in Ohio. It was wonderful to see her again and we enjoyed it enough to justify spending all day driving there, having our hair done, eating lunch, and driving back again.

The first picture is "before" and the second "after", in case you couldn't tell.

Labels on boxes

When we pack boxes to move, we generally write labels on them so we will know where to put them when we arrive at a new home or maybe even know which box to look in if we need to find something. Anyone who has ever done this realizes that sometimes an inappropriate item may get placed in a box simply because the box it should have gone in is full or has already been taped. We have always packed and moved ourselves but our children, who move frequently due to government positions, have had experience with packers and movers. Some of the labels on boxes have been pretty funny when the boxes get opened and the contents examined. Labeling boxes is a way to organize or simplify our lives.
Recently we had the opportunity to attend a "World Religion Day" which was a gathering of representatives from several different churches, or "belief systems" for the purpose of education and dialogue. Differences in religious beliefs have been a cause for much contention over the history of the earth. There are so many people on the earth and each person is different so the varieties of opinion and belief are countless! It's not likely that we are going to "convert" everybody to our belief on all issues but it's worthwhile to at least explain to others what we believe and maybe why. At this event there was a panel discussion on the questions, "What can we do to heal the earth? What are you willing to give up to accomplish it?" There is a general awareness that there are some serious issues ecologically for the planet as well as issues of violence, justice, and need for peace between human beings. As vague as it may sound, the most likely solution that was offered and with which I agree, is LOVE: love of the earth to take care of it and love of fellow men to live with them rather than compete or rule over them. I spoke to a representative of one of the churches afterward who had especially worded this idea well. I told her I had recently visited Jerusalem and had wanted to describe a little of what I saw and felt there but the time in the meeting wasn't sufficient to do so. I tried to explain in few words that the biggest problem I could see was NOT between any 2 specific religions but was due to our tendency to pre-judge according to labels we place on people. The labels we use are determined by gender, nationality, political and religious affiliations, as well as cultural preferences. The problem with those labels is that, much as it gives us the feeling that we "know" who a person is, it is often inaccurate. We too often tend to try to put people in a box where they don't fit. At this point in the conversation, the woman, previously totally unknown to me, said the same words at the same time which indicated to me that she fully understood what I was saying. We both smiled at this chance converging of understanding and hugged each other. I don't even remember the name of the church she was there to represent and I don't know whether she will remember that I am LDS. It doesn't matter. The names we use are just labels and not everyone who receives such labels is the same. There are a wide variety of Mormons, a wide variety of Jews, Catholics, Muslims, Hindus, Baptists, Jehovah Witnesses, and on and on. We tend to embrace whichever established belief system most closely matches our personal beliefs. But not one of us on the earth has all knowledge..........yet. God has promised to share with us all that He has- which is a LOT! But we don't have it yet and wouldn't know what to do with it if we had. Line upon line, precept upon precept, we will gain all that the Father has. As we learn truth and wisdom, we will come closer together and be more similar and know how to get along peacefully. This will never be done by law or coercion of any kind. Zion will exist when we all understand how to live Zion principles. The city of Enoch, referred to in the Old Testament, figured it out enough that they were "taken up" to be with God so there's hope for us mortals. Not everyone really has a sincere desire to embrace truth or to learn wisdom. For some people simply being top dog is what matters. Just like the old game "king of the hill"- there can only be ONE at the top. It's a lonely position. Personally, I look forward to being peaceful and embracing MANY others- sharing rather than conquering. I won't do that by caving in or trying to be without principles so that I can match whoever I'm with. I will simply continue to read, study, learn, pray, meditate, and search to find the best, the truth that works for peace and good will to all men. Others who want to can do that, too. I'll meet you there!