it's so hard to know

I'm looking forward to my activity for the day- cleaning. Cleaning is a pretty mindless task. For the past- I can't remember how long- I have spent my days having to make decisions. It's really exhausting. Before I left Ohio I was trying to do all I could to prepare ahead in case we were able to sell the house. I spent time going through closets, drawers, and cupboards- rooms full of stuff- deciding what Russ might need for the immediate future, what I could pack that wouldn't make the house look TOO bare, what I should just throw out, and what to give to Goodwill. Since I arrived here in Arizona, I have been doing similar things. I have been going through lots and lots of stuff to find what Dad will need in the immediate future, what is good to have on hand, what to get rid of and how to get rid of it. I remember when Russ and I were dating, ages ago, he used to laugh at me because I always had a hard time making decisions: where I wanted to go, what I wanted to wear, what flavor of ice cream to get, what meal to order..... Making decisions is really taxing and requires a certain amount of courage and confidence. I have learned that you need to just think it through (sometimes only for a second!), then choose and not waste time looking back. Look at what happened to Lot's wife.
The thing I have the most difficult time deciding concerns how MUCH to do. My heart reaches out to both of my parents and I want to do EVERYTHING for them. However, I know that it's important for them to get up (in the case of Dad, anyway) and move around as much as possible. I definitely don't want my father to end up as incapable of moving as my mother. So I have to sometimes wake him when he falls asleep in his chair for hours on end and try to get him to eat or ask him about something. When Mom verrryy ssllooowwlllyy reaches for something, I have to resist the impulse to just grab it for her. I just tensely watch her painstakingly reach for something. She seems to move as little as she possibly can! I sometimes have to restrain Dad from doing things for her that she should do herself. So, how long do I let Dad sleep? How much do I urge Mom to do? How hard do I work at trying to get Dad to eat more? How much time do I spend trying to think of ways to entertain my mother? It's just really hard to know.

Dad

My dad had chemo at 9 this morning- earlier than usual. I'm glad. He has been sleeping until 10 most mornings. He's willing to get up earlier if there is a reason but he's content to just sleep where he's comfortable until 10. The problem with getting up so late is that it's hard to get enough food in him! He had breakfast at 8 so he was ready for a good lunch by noon. Then I can get him to drink a nutritional supplement before we leave at 4 to go visit Mom. Then he'll have dinner when we return at 6. When he doesn't eat until 10:30 or 11, he isn't really interested in much lunch so either we have a late lunch or no dinner and one meal becomes the nutritional drink instead of food.
At the cancer center I was able to ask some questions about Dad's latest diagnostic report. I had done all I could to research on the internet some of the technical terms, but I still had questions. So, from what I have gleaned, Dad has metatastic cancer which means it is "active". The tumor in his left lung is continuing to grow but very slowly. The chemo helps keep it at bay. The surgery to stop pleural effusion (fluid on his lung) was very successful although it took a lot out of him. He was very weak and had lost quite a bit of weight. A month or so ago we wondered if he would last until the end of the year. However, now that he can breathe (no longer suffocating due to his lung being drowned in fluid), he has more energy and has adjusted better to the chemo by now so, all in all, he has the strength to eat more and stay awake more. He has also gained a couple of pounds which is a new thing. Previously, he was either barely maintaining his weight or losing a little each month. At 84, eating and being active are really important. (Mom, also 84, manages to eat but isn't doing enough to circulate blood enough to have a healthy brain and body.) The bottom line, Dad's cancer has spread beyond the lung tumor but the last scan showed no new tumors since the scan several months ago and only the lung tumor is continuing to grow but at a very slow rate. This means that Dad will not be cured but he may live, on chemo, for a couple of years. It all depends on how well he eats, moves around, and manages to avoid any serious injuries or illness. He did have a flu shot and a pneumonia shot last week so that will help. It would be nice if we could all know when we will be departing this life but it just doesn't work that way. It's probably a good thing anyway. If we knew when we were going to be done, we might try to time repentance at the last minute.

An article on pornography helped my mom

Life has become pretty challenging for my mother. Her fall 2 years ago, in which she had multiple bone breaks, resulted in her being totally bed-ridden for several months. When you're over 80, that's not good. In addition, her core muscles had already been weakened from years of mostly sitting. Add to that the fact that she can only hear in one ear and that one is getting weaker as well as her sight drastically diminishing due to cataracts and macular degeneration, and she has very little left for resources within herself. She isn't happy at the nursing home. She misses my dad terribly and has always worried about being somehow "left out of whatever is going on". She loves parties and being around people. However, she has chosen not to interact much with the residents of the nursing home. She can't hear them well and often misunderstands what little she does hear. With the very common affliction of older women of being overly-sensitive, self-conscious, and easily insulted, she would much prefer being with familiar friends, family, and pleasant church members.
This is all an introduction to why I try to read to her early in the mornings when she is well-rested and alert. If she spends too much time alone, she succumbs to feelings of self-pity, just as we all do, and builds resentment until she gets cranky, depressed, and over-reacts. Yesterday I picked up a church newspaper left with her by her dependable home teachers and chose to read an article with a title something about "this generation". Not very far into the article I realized it was mostly about pornography. I was tempted to quit reading it because it certainly isn't an issue pertinent to my mother! However, rather than focusing on the evils of pornography, the degradation to women, and the tons of money it makes, the article focused more on the importance of avoidance. It cited scriptures about using self-control to overcome our more base instincts, the "natural man" who is an enemy to God, and recognizing that we have the choice always, in everything except consequences of our choices. (The point of the article was that the older generation can and should warn the younger generation about surrendering their freedom to choose and reassurance of help to overcome addictions.) This allowed a non-threatening introduction to a discussion of how we have the freedom to make choices all day every day, despite our circumstances. Every human being feels "limited" by something- lack of opportunity, lack of talent, lack of strength, lack of physical ability, etc. No matter what we feel our limit is, we can find examples of people who have had an even more extreme limit and managed to overcome it to accomplish things. We really can't blame anyone but ourselves and we waste precious time lusting after anything that is simply too difficult. (e.g. I simply would never have been able to be a professional ballerina because it would have required more time and diligence than it was worth to me.) There are so many options in our lives. Maybe that is sometimes part of the problem! We have the God-given freedom to choose but WE are the one to make that choice. We can choose to work hard at something or not. We can choose to overcome our temper or be more patient and pleasant. We only lose a choice when we choose to give it up. However, the only valid choices we have are within ourselves. We cannot choose for others. We cannot make enough laws to eradicate pornography, but we can choose to refuse to support it and be willing to counsel others to avoid it. We can choose to avoid all kinds of addictions and even seek help if we have a controlling addiction so we can return to self-control. Anything that "controls" our life does so because we have surrendered control, even to death. Cancer is not who my dad is. He is still pleasant and tries to do what he can. Helen Keller was not simply a blind, deaf female. She was determined and intelligent. Alcohol, caffeine, nicotine, heroin, pornography- none of those are who anyone is, we make that choice.

One little cloud

I had a very nice birthday. I got so many wonderful presents! My first present came when I opened my computer and found lots of birthday messages from relatives and friends. Then my mother called from the nursing home to wish me a happy birthday. I drove over to the nursing home after taking a shower and got my mother ready to wheel her the mile home. This has been an especially wearing task recently as the temperatures here have been hovering around 100. Sunday morning the Lord took pity on me and the temperature was less than 90. Then, even specifically pleasant was the cloud. As the sun rose, and it sure can be intensely hot, there was just one cloud in the general area above our heads and it was right where it blocked the sun. It stayed there for the whole walk home! In addition, and this was probably just the fact that it was early Sunday morning, but the traffic on one of the major streets I have to cross was really light so I didn't have much trouble getting across. (There is no crosswalk without having to go a very long distance out of the way.) In my morning prayer, I prayed for some kind of input from the Lord. I read a little in the scriptures but didn't find anything that was strikingly aimed at me. But both talks in church were as reassuring as General Conference usually is! The first talk was by a stake high councilman and he said that he was hoping for our prayers because the talk he had prepared, he threw away feeling strongly that he needed to address another topic. He was talking to a room full of people among whom I was one of the youngest. He talked about how, as a bishop, he had focused a lot on teenagers. Youth are a "chosen generation" and they need to guided now as they prepare to become influences in the world. But he said that the grandparents and great-grandparents are the chosen generation because we can teach those who are younger. I have tried hard to be a good influence on my children and grandchildren and sometimes feel like I'm just annoying them. I try not to be preachy but I remember being younger and thinking older people were outdated and whatever they had to share with me was certainly not pertinent to my life. But I really LOVE teaching so it was nice to have an encouragement to continue to do so. The second talk was about being a diligent learner, which I try to be. She gave lots of wonderful quotes about the importance of gaining information and internalizing it to be wiser, which has been the main focus of my efforts and prayers. Again, I felt that the Lord was giving me encouragement.
In an effort to reduce Dad's exposure to "germs" among crowds as well as not wear him out, we normally go only for sacrament meeting which is the first hour of a 3-hour block of church. Mom wanted to stay for the second hour, which is Sunday school and we're studying Isaiah, so we got to stay longer and the teacher was well-prepared. I realize that may not be a reason to celebrate for those who attend church out of a sense of obligation. For me, it was an unexpected joy. When we lived in Utah I attended a religion class at USU every semester that I could. I know that some day I will be living with God and I am anxious to learn all He can teach me. So, I am starting now.
Since Mom and Dad's house is so close to church, I was able to run home between meetings and start the quiche which we had, along with fresh fruit, when we got home. After eating, Dad helped Mom fill out her absentee ballot while I checked more messages on my computer. Then I played the piano and sang for Mom. That always makes me feel good because she actually LIKES to hear me! Then there were several phone calls with more birthday wishes. I dished up some ice cream for Mom and popped her a bag of microwave popcorn which she started on as I walked her back to the nursing home. Then I returned home to have popcorn and ice cream with Dad while we watched some tv.
It was a very uplifting and relaxing birthday and I am grateful.

It makes a difference

Mom sometimes gets pretty cranky, especially in the afternoon when Dad and I go to visit and I take off her support stockings, rub her legs, put on slippers, and put in her eyedrops. She's tired and doesn't use any restraint in talking to people. She doesn't hear or see very well and lots of times she thinks she hears or sees things that aren't exactly accurate. But in the mornings, when she is usually well-rested, she's more like herself. This morning before leaving the house I took the time to pray about what to talk to her about, then read some scriptures. I have discovered that the whisperings of the Spirit come when we are immersed in the language of the Spirit. When I am in the temple or reading scriptures, it's not always inspiration about the specific information I'm hearing or reading that I receive. I am somehow more open to "hearing" what the Lord would tell me about something more specific in my life. So I walked over to the nursing home and, after a little conversation with Mom, I opened the scriptures and read a few verses that I had felt prompted to select. She was very humble and contrite. She was much more pleasant to talk to. I could feel the sweetness of the Spirit there (where two or more are gathered in my name, there will I be also). I was able to remind her that she can't get stronger if she doesn't do things for herself. She tends to want to be waited on because she's tired or something hurts or she can't reach it or whatever. Most of the time she is very much like a child. She sometimes is aware that she is behaving badly and admits that she is acting like a child and knows she is NOT a child. But somehow she doesn't have the inner strength to control what she says or does. I know that we all have weaknesses and sometimes we even have weaknesses we just can't seem to overcome. (That can be in the form of an addiction, a personality flaw, laziness, or simple lack of self-control even when we sincerely WANT that control.) The Lord has promised that, for those who seek Him, He will help. He will be on our right hand and on our left. His rod and staff will comfort us.
Now that's a really interesting metaphor. I think I need to study up on exactly how a rod (spare the rod and spoil the child) or staff (used for herding sheep?) can be a comfort. Hmmmmmmm

We all want to be loved

Once again, walking to and from the nursing home to visit Mom, I had the chance to reflect. I have earnestly prayed to know how to help others. Since I am here with my parents now, I have been focusing on the best ways to help them. For whatever reason (and we have tried over and over to analyze it over the years), my mother has been a hoarder. As a result, cupboards and closets are full to overflowing. It can be frustrating to find things. Even beautiful things meant as decoration get lost in the piles of things. My sisters and I, since Mom has been in the nursing home, have been working at sorting out and getting rid of excess. It is just something Mom can't do and Dad doesn't want to do. It's partly due to not liking the task, not having the energy, and also not wanting to get in trouble with Mom! But he is more comfortable here when he doesn't feel crowded out and he can find things. Also, one of the affects of chemo is his lack of appetite. he knows he needs to eat and he is pretty cooperative about eating what's put in front of him. My sisters and I have known that if left on his own, he probably wouldn't bother working very hard at preparing nutritious meals. He's not supposed to drive so we have acted as his chauffeur. These are all ways we show Dad our love for him. We can't take away any pain or discomfort he has, but we do all we can to enfold him in love and affection.
Mom needs love, too. That is a little harder to figure out how to show. She feels abandoned because she is not here in the house with those she loves getting the attention she craves. There is just no way that we could provide for her all the care she requires in her weakened condition along with taking care of the house and Dad. As I reflected this morning, one of the greatest symbols of love is time and attention. Mom likes to play cards and Scrabble but it's getting harder and harder for her to see to play. It's not really the game as much as the time spent socializing. I am really poor at "small talk". I try to compensate for that by finding things I can read to her or things for her to do. When I brought her home both days of General Conference weekend, she offered to help as I prepared lunch. At first I just expressed gratitude for her willingness but assured her that I could do it. Then I thought about it. She knows I can do it. She knows she can't do much. What she needed was to feel that she could do something. So I brought out the zucchini, a cutting board, and knife and let her slice. It took her much longer than it would have taken me. I prayed she wouldn't cut herself. But she felt like she had contributed.
It's classic for men to justify hours spent away from the family by saying, "I work so hard for the people I love". That is certainly true- to an extent. I have known fathers who bought expensive, battery-powered cars for their sons to drive around the driveway or sidewalks. They have lots of fun with them. But I have also known of men who didn't have the money to do that. Instead, they would say, "Hey son, why don't you come out and help me work on the car?" Rather than spending time away from the child to earn money to buy things to entertain the child away from him, I think the father who requests the child's company, teaches him, talks to him, is going to create a greater feeling of being loved inside that child. Things really are a shallow symbol of love. Over time, we feel the closest to people we have shared experiences and conversations with more than people who have bought us stuff. Giving gifts is nice, but giving time is nicer.

Walking together

As I have mentioned previously, I like to walk. As a teenager I often walked down to the village of Dryden from where I lived. It must have been more than 5 miles round-trip. As Russ and I have gotten older and are now empty-nesters, we usually walk together for exercise every day. I am a little taller than he is, mostly in the legs. My legs are 3 inches longer than his. As a result, walking together has required some adjustment. What is a comfortable stride for me makes him feel constantly dragged along. Since he can't lengthen his stride any more than he has, if I want to walk alongside him, I have to shorten my steps. It's not a big deal for me, but it's important in bringing us together more harmoniously.
My oldest grandson has legs like his father. His father is quite tall, in fact, about a foot taller than my daughter. Tanis has often gotten in trouble as we have walked places- whether in a store, on the sidewalk, or sightseeing. He tends to get way ahead. Due to his young age, he didn't always pay attention to where he was going and sometimes didn't even know the way. So we would have to call out to him to stop and wait, reminding him that he didn't know where to turn. I don't think he was trying to compete in any way. I think the combination of his youthful exhuberance (I'm excited because we're going somewhere!) and his lengthy stride just got him way ahead. You can see in this picture that he is definitely the tallest of most of his cousins. The cousin next to him is only about a year younger.
My sisters walk, too. My younger sister, Deedie, could compete with just about any woman our age when it comes to fitness. I enjoy being able to walk with her when I get the chance. Even though I'm just a little taller, she is so energetic that I have to really work at it to keep up with her! When she walks to exercise, she puts her all into it.

We all walk at our own pace. If we want to walk alone, it doesn't matter what our pace is. But if we want to be with someone, anyone, we might have to compromise a little in some way to match strides. It requires effort to be "with" someone, even if it's someone we really love. We can choose to willingly match strides, or we can resent it and make the walking miserable, or we can refuse to alter our stride and go off alone.

When to fight

I try to go for walk every morning. While with my parents, I use the time, early- before Dad awakens, to walk over to the nursing home and visit Mom. I get exercise, have time to contemplate, and do some good for Mom by our conversation and reading together. This morning I was thinking about being steadfast and immovable or being willing to submit.
At times in my life that I experienced intense physical pain (childbirth, pinched nerves, a water-skiing accident), I learned that the best way to deal with the pain was to not fight it. When we are tense in reaction to pain, the nerves are only made more sensitive and the pain worsens. When I could get myself to take a deep breath and relax as much as possible, the pain eased just a little. (I must admit, that is easier to do when you don't have distractions!) Likewise, as a young woman, I always admired females who were petite in form. At the age of 13 I was 5'6" and 135 pounds- one of the largest in my class. I struggled for years with the self-image of being large. Worrying about it and wishing I was different didn't change my stature. Exercise and diet helped me from being obese but I have always been larger than the women I so admired. I have learned that when I accept my size, even acknowledge benefits of it, rather than fight it coveting something I will never have, I am able to feel much more comfortable.
On the other hand, I have had feelings of irritation at other people. It is simply the nature of our inate differences to sometimes feel irritation. Because I wanted, deep in my heart, to be a pleasant person, I had to fight the instinct to yell or lash out in some way to show my displeasure. I haven't always been really successful, but I do try. Also, in being a little different than the old, classic portrayal of women, I am not really big on talking on the phone a lot. I have had times when I was serving in a church calling or in a community organization where I needed to make phone calls- lots of them. I wanted to serve well in my position so I would square up my shoulders, get out my list, and start phoning, requiring me to fight the urge to avoid it.
It seems that life is a constant battle. We can either fight and insist on being steadfast and immovable, or we can submit to whatever afflictions face us. Everybody has battles. It's what we do in those battles that defines who we are. Our actions determine our character and we alone are totally in command of our actions. We don't win every battle but it really is the desire and effort that counts.