Finding the "new normal"

     I have only lived in this house for a little over a year. I have never been this old before. I am still trying to figure out what it means to have both parents gone as well as a son. For most of this life I have not dealt with arthritis in my back or in my hands and feet to the point that I sometimes cannot bend my fingers and my feet hurt. I have spent hours walking and walking but now it seems to irritate the arthritis in my back causing me to limp after awhile. Hence, I am not walking much anymore. I do sincerely want to continue to be able to move and do things so I need to find new and different ways to move my body regularly so I don't stiffen up. I fully expect to live another decade or more and wonder what I'm going to do with my time. I firmly believe that I can choose to do whatever I might want to do but I just don't know what that is. Eating is no longer a great pleasure as I deal with burning mouth syndrome that pretty much destroys my ability to taste and acid reflux. Despite taking my daily prescription for GERD, after-affects of eating are unpleasant so I just don't enjoy the process. I have always loved and looked forward to traveling but now there are problems inherent with how to cope with where the nearest bathroom is, issues of sleeping, remembering, finding my way around, etc. The people who have been so important in my life (and still are) seem to be so busy and far away but I realize that's what it was like for my parents and absolutely everyone who reaches a "certain age". I have been mostly happy throughout my life but I'm finding my zest is drying up a bit. It's not that I feel pessimistic or have any kind of animosity toward anyone. I just feel resigned to simply enduring. I want to be helpful but I can't do that in any way I have in the past. I don't feel like I have much to offer. I'm just trying to figure out what to do with the rest of my life...........

Memories

     Today is my last day (for awhile at least) in the area where I was born and raised, upstate NY. I attended my 50th high school reunion, one of only a couple of reunions I have ever attended. It wasn't that I was avoiding my high school reunions. I simply had too much going on in my life to have the trip here as a priority. The last time I saw these people I looked somewhat like this:

       It's an old picture, of my 16th birthday party to be exact. I was a fairly normal teenager with mood swings from ecstatic to deeply depressed. I attempted suicide several times, never successfully, obviously. I was incredibly confused as to who I was, who I wanted to become, and who I could totally trust to listen to. Now I look like this:

Definitely older and, I hope, wiser. I no longer wonder who I am. I am a daughter of God and of infinite worth even when I make mistakes (daily). I no longer wonder who I want to become. I want to be like Jesus. I want to be the kind of person who makes others comfortable enough to enjoy my company but motivated enough to want to improve themselves and reach for the ideal. I no longer wonder who to totally trust- except maybe when it comes to the media and world in general. I trust the scriptures, prophets living and dead, and the Holy Ghost as I receive guidance through personal revelation. To some people, I suppose that may sound overly-religious or pious. In all humility, I maintain that every single one of God's children (which is every single human being whether they acknowledge Him or not) has that same option. He doesn't expect us to be perfect right away. We have eternity for that. But He does hope we will make the choice to begin on that path, now.

     I have not posted a blog for over a month now. Every time I think it's pointless and I don't really think it benefits anyone, I am reminded that God cares for each and every ONE. As Horton the Who would say, "A person's a person no matter how small." Everyone matters. Whether or not I offer anything that becomes popular doesn't matter. What matters is that I am at least attempting to share what God gives me. I know God is there, wherever you want to perceive heaven as being located. I know He's not far away and that He hopes every one of His children that experiences mortality will see all the choices and choose Him- His wisdom, His love, and His truth. He isn't going to coerce anyone because He is far too wise for that. Anyone forced to do or believe something will eventually resent it enough to turn their backs and go a different way. The sad part is, there are very nice people who somehow feel that His way is too difficult and restrictive. When faced with the opposition in all things, the more "fun" or seemingly "less restrictive" or "easier" way becomes their desire. It's like an obsessive eater who gives into the temptation to eat because it's too hard to keep resisting. For the moment, it feels more "free" to turn away from God's laws. But, in the long run, it results in more difficulties and heartaches. I continue to pray for the strength to not give up the battle- not that I am tempted to do anything God would disapprove of- but I do have the desire to just hide away from all the turmoil and avoid the contention and heartache. War is hell, even the "good" war.

Control is not always a bad thing.

     It has been awhile since I last posted anything. I guess that's okay because I don't know if anyone even reads what I post. Anyway, I had a strong impression today that I decided to write about. Recently I have been greatly disturbed by stories of abuse, government tyranny, and human trafficking. I can't imagine the helplessness felt by anyone whose life is controlled by someone more powerful; when you no longer have much in the way of choices. I can't understand how anyone can live with themselves when their major concern is a power trip. My heart goes out to those under the smothering thumb of anyone who delights in creating fear in other human beings. In addition, I am deeply grateful to have born in the United States of America, a country established on the concept of a God-given right to freedom to make choices. I am also deeply grateful for the understanding that God truly has given us each the right to make our own choices-even when those choices are sometimes not good. He loves us enough to allow us to choose for ourselves even when we often make a huge mess of things. We need the experience of seeing ugliness to appreciate beauty and tasting bitter to know sweet and feeling pain to know comfort.
     Ultimately, the goal of all this freedom is to appreciate control.......... SELF-control. Laws are an effort to prevent injury. Rules are a guide to make better decisions. (This does not include laws or rules imposed by tyrants. I'm talking about laws made by the majority or by a perfect being who loves us.) As we better appreciate that learning to control impulses is a positive thing, we can relax and take the time to feel peace. As we more carefully ponder the end-result of choices, we can feel more confident about which way to go. The end result is a world full of people who are kind, thoughtful, considerate, forgiving, loving, and helpful- like Jesus.

Tiny things matter

     Pixels- I can't give a technical definition of them but I know they're tiny segments of electrical signal that form a picture. The more there are, the clearer the definition in the picture. Each one by itself wouldn't mean anything and wouldn't even be noticeable. However, each tiny part, when added to the whole, makes a big difference. Christ said that we should be like little children and that He uses weak and small things to accomplish great works. He also said that all we need is faith the size of a tiny mustard seed to accomplish great things. I mentioned D&C 131 in a previous blog: Spirit is matter, only finer matter that we cannot see. When we are capable of discerning finer matter, we will see all the spirits. We know that everything in the world is made up of atoms and molecules- very tiny particles that we can't see with our natural eyes.
     In a similar way, destruction can be caused by very small things. Just as tiny H2O molecules together form a giant tsunami that can destroy everything in its path, we are capable of destroying ourselves and other by seemingly "small" things- sins like pride, greed, lust, anger...
     Tiny things really do count- for good or ill. We need to pay attention to the tiny things in our everyday lives. One small remark can have a great affect; a compliment or friendly comment can really brighten someone's day; a mean-spirited complaint can hurt. One small act of taking a drink of alcohol or a syringe of drug can lead to a disastrous addiction. As an astronaut once said, "One small step for man, one giant leap for mankind." Fortunately, we don't have to be obsessive about watching our every action. In general, what comes out of our mouths or what our hands do is a result of what happens in our minds. If we can decide we want to be kind, helpful, compassionate, and generally like Jesus Christ, our words and deeds will reflect that. And, as I have mentioned before, we don't have to stress over changing the world. All we have to do is our small part in our small circle of influence. If each child of God made an effort to obey God's laws and treat others as he would like to be treated, that would change the world. We don't have to change the world by ourselves, just change ourselves.

Thoughts as we approach Easter

          As we head toward Easter, I was reading in Matthew 21-25 or so the time leading up to the crucifixion of Jesus Christ. He was truly a "meek and lowly" Lamb of  God but only submissive to the will of His Father, not the people around Him. We are often a bit too submissive as we strive to be popular. Christ knew He was not going to be popular because the people around Him were not going to agree with what He had to say. In the records we have in the New Testament, when He first started His "mission", getting baptized and changing the water to wine in Cana, He was firm but not really forceful. As time went by and He performed many miracles, He often admonished people not to tell anyone. He needed time to continue to try to tell people what He came to tell, knowing that as soon as He was more forcefully confronted, He was going to say things that would really get Him in trouble- which is what happened during the week leading up to His mock trial and crucifixion. He made no apologies for calling out those who claimed to be "righteous" according to certain outward ordinances and rules yet were greedy, vain, power-hungry hypocrites. He especially mentioned the leaders of the Jews as well as scribes and Pharisees, calling them hypocrites. (I agree with Christ in that I think hypocrisy is one of the gravest sins we can commit. To speak out of  both sides of our mouths or claim one thing and do another or hide our true thoughts and intentions. I really dislike that.) I guess Jesus Christ will be to each one of us a different judge. Those who have truly loved Him, appreciated fully what He stands for, and done their best to obey and emulate Him- those people will run to His open arms and accept His embrace. Those who have tried to justify themselves, ignored His teachings, and pretended to be something they were not genuinely trying to be- those people will want the rocks and trees to hide them; they will fear His anger as expressed in various points in the scriptures. People ask- who is God or Jesus Christ anyway? Is He the judging God who was so angry with the children of Israel or the God that said to bring the little children to Him so He could bless them? Well, He's both. Just like any loving parent, He is kind when we behave and angry when we are disobedient and rebellious. And just like a good parent, it's not because He wants to be boss and doesn't like it when anyone refuses to obey. He gets angry because He wants us to succeed. He wants us to be kind and loving and forgiving and humble and obedient so that we can continue to improve while we are Heaven type citizens. We can't live in peace for eternity if we are not peaceful people. He wants to abide in peace forever and is willing to do ANYTHING to help- but we have to do it voluntarily. He will not force us to be with Him.

Believing the unbelievable

     I have just been reading some of my really old blogs, searching for any insights I may have shared that would relate to or be a repetition of what I want to talk about. One of my very favorite scriptures for increased understanding of all things is Doctrine and Covenants 131:7-8:
There is no such thing as immaterial matter. All spirit is matter, but it is more fine or pure, and can only be discerned by purer eyes; We cannot see it; but when our bodies are purified we shall see that it is all matter.
And in my scriptures I penciled in- The cellular structure in the brain is so fine that the length of a wave of visible light is too blunt to probe it. It requires an electron microscope to "see".
     I was reading a recent National Geographic magazine and came across several pages of amazing pictures of very ordinary flowers. The photographer has been using a special technique now for about 5 years called ultraviolet-induced visible fluorescence. When he photographs flowers exposed to UV light, vibrant colors, unseen by the ordinary human eye, are displayed. Here is an ordinary myrtle-

It is not photo-shopped or altered other than the original UV exposure and camera picking up what is made visible to it. I couldn't help but think about what exists that we either don't know about or ignore because it isn't apparent to us in our current sensory abilities. Most of us know about sounds beyond what human ears hear- bats, dogs, dolphins and all kinds of creatures hear what are real sounds but not audible to us. We know there are colors beyond the spectrum that our eyes can discern. We are limited by what enters our eyeballs, gets reflected on our retinas and transported by our optic nerve to be translated (for lack of a better word) by our brain. We have known for awhile now that our brains are capable of more than we are aware. I recalled some near-death experiences that I have read about in several different books:
     "The meadow and lake were striking, with magnificent displays of flowers and flowering shrubs of many varieties." (Visions of Glory as told to John Pontius)
     "I have seen good gardens on this earth, but I never saw any to compare with those that were there. I saw flowers of numerous kinds, and some with from fifty to a hundred different colored flowers growing upon one stalk.................At first I became aware of beautiful colors which were all the colors of the rainbow.. They were magnified in crystallized light and beamed with a brilliance in every direction.... As my senses expanded I became aware of colors that were far beyond the spectrum of the rainbow known to the human eye." (Glimpses Beyond Death's Door by Brent and Wendy C. Top)
     "'Hearing' in the spiritual state can apparently be called so only by analogy, and most say that they do not really hear physical voices or sounds. Rather, they seem to pick up the thoughts of persons around them, and... this same kind of direct transfer of thoughts can play an important role in the late stages of death experiences....There are just no words to express what I am trying to say...They just don't make adjectives and superlatives to describe this....No, there is a real problem for me as I'm trying to tell you this, because all the words I know are three-dimensional." (Life After Life- research and collected anecdotes from around the world by Raymond A. Moody, Jr. M.D.)
     Do you see what I mean? We tend to be skeptical of spiritual things, like God and angels and the Holy Ghost, because we can't perceive them right now. This by no means is "proof" that they don't exist! Magic and miracles are simply reality that we don't yet understand. Once we know how it's done, it is no longer "impossible" to our finite minds. It's easy enough to believe in wind because, although we can't "see" it, we can feel it and see the results of it around us. It's easy enough to believe in love or hate even though we can't "see" them because we can feel them in ourselves and from others. Because we lack the advanced knowledge and wisdom that God has, we cannot fully comprehend Him or all that He comprehends. But "the glory of God is intelligence" and He wants to share with us all that He has. We are His children, His heirs- but only if we choose to be. He wants to share what He knows but we have to want to know. In our current state, we are more likely to "feel" the Spirit and know It is good and right rather than understand all It has to offer. In order for us to advance from where we are, we have to trust in the knowledge offered us and choose to trust God. Jesus said, "Be ye therefore perfect, even as your Father in Heaven is perfect" and He has promised that the way will be provided for us to obey any and all commandments He gives us. We just have to trust and keep trying. Our increase in knowledge will come little by little, step by step, but it will come if we choose to accept it. How glorious!