Thoughts of peace

Blessed are the peacemakers...... I really prefer peace to contention. It's not that I think everybody should be mindless clones. Different ideas can enrich life tremendously. The difficulty comes in figuring out how to handle differences. You can either try to just ignore them, find a middle ground to agree on (compromise), or have a battle to determine the winner. The method is determined by the seriousness of the issue, the personalities of the parties involved, and sometimes the situation or timing.
I tend to be like an ostrich who puts their head in the sand (from what I understand, that is actually a myth- ostriches don't do that) or a kid who hides their head under the covers. I try to avoid conflict hoping it will just go away. However, I realize that may help to prevent all-out war but it does not create a lasting peace. When we become acquainted with people who have very different opinions from our way of thinking, on many issues or very crucial issues, we tend to decide not to encourage much of a relationship with them. We just don't have enough in common to become good friends. It becomes more difficult when the person is someone we have regular contact with: a neighbor, a co-worker, a family member. Avoiding discussion of contended issues will avoid outright arguments but it also slowly develops walls. In the effort to avoid topics, you put up a caution sign, "Don't go there!" Over time, that can grow. You find it's easier to avoid talking altogether rather than risk treading into what could become troubled waters. Hence, walls are formed and relationships weaken. With fewer common experiences and less frequent heartfelt conversations, you grow in different directions, apart from each other.
Compromise can be effective, but it only works when both parties are willing to respect the other enough to discuss the issue in a civil enough manner to avoid bad feelings. It requires acknowledging some validity of the other's point of view enough to concede a point here or there so that a middle ground can be reached. When you expect a relationship to be continuing (you aren't quitting a job nor is your co-worker, your neighbor isn't moving right away nor are you, family members... well, that's obvious) you have to be able to forgive endlessly because there are often deep emotions involved. One can get angry and say something harsh. One can feel hurt and want to hurt back. If you want the relationship to continue, you must be willing to recognize the hurt, apologize when you are the one that caused it (apologizing for the hurt the other feels but not necessarily the opinion or idea you expressed if it was valid), and have a sincere desire to work things out. It would be easier if we all liked the same color/flavor/style of furniture or wanted to work things out the same way, but the truth is that conflict is unavoidable. Pain is unavoidable. However, all-out war should not ever be unavoidable. It is a choice. We may have shaky truces at times, but we don't have to have vicious attacks and powerful defenses. That should be a very last resort gone into with the full knowledge that damage will be done, some of which may take a very long time to recover from, if ever.
This way of reasoning doesn't come easily. Children don't recognize it. Many adults don't even think deeply enough to work out differences. We too often feel that whatever way we think or do things is the best way, or we may simply not want to make the effort to listen to another idea and think about it. Sometimes someone else's idea is one we have already tried or at least considered so we feel it unnecessary to entertain the idea. (Then the only effective method to avoid contention is to communicate; explain that you have already considered the idea or, on the other side, listen to someone else's explanation realizing they are not putting down your idea. On the contrary, they thought enough of it to have considered it already! )
All this is just desperate ramblings. I keep praying to have more of the wisdom that Heavenly Father has. I truly want to see people in the loving, hopeful way that God and Jesus Christ see them. I don't have any problem loving people but I don't know how to deal with destructive behavior whether toward self or others. I continue to love people even if they're mean, but I prefer avoiding them. I continue to love people who indulge in self-destructive behaviors, but it hurts to be around them so I would rather avoid them. I just need to know how to act and react. I want to be loving and encouraging but I don't want to be patronizing or false in any way. I believe in high moral standards because I truly believe we are all capable of them and we would have a better world with them. I don't want to relax them because they may make someone else uncomfortable. I want to improve, not backslide. I want encouragement to do that, not criticism for my goals and I want to do the same for others. True love doesn't destroy others, it builds them up to be better. That's the kind of world I want.

True religion

True religion is not what church's list your name is on. It's not what you know. It's who you are, all day, every day. When Russ and I were investigating the LDS Church, one of the most striking things I first noticed was the involvement of men with children. I remember a man in the choir, standing through an entire song holding a sleeping child. Today in church here in Berlin, I noticed a man in a pew in front of me holding a young daughter and caressing the hair of another one. Previous to that he had passed the sacrament to them while their mother was out with the youngest daughter. It was so nice to see a man showing pure affection to a child. I have been blessed to be raised as a part of an extended family that is very affectionate. I don't remember much about my grandfather's family but my grandmother's family was a large Irish family that laughed and hugged a lot. I have never liked the idea some people embrace of children being simply "tolerated" until they are more mature and sophisticated. I believe in discipline and teaching, but in the meantime, children's enthusiasm can be truly delightful. I know I just posted a blog about being proud of my children but I just wanted to reiterate how glad I am for the kind of people my children are. Christ loved children- not for their childish self-centeredness or loud, obnoxious behavior- but for their purity, trust, and innocence. Ammon loved spending time with his kids and was patient in teaching them. He made them feel like they were important, and to him they were.


James is very affectionate with his children, too. He plays with them and teaches them. Today he lovingly straightened his boys' ties.
The big guy in the middle is John. I didn't raise him but I'm proud to have him as part of my family. He is fun, affectionate, and loving to children.
It is obvious upon first meeting Angela's family that her boys know their mother loves them. They are generally happy and secure. All Angela's nieces and nephews adore her, too. She doesn't have to lavish them with gifts to try to buy their affection. They just respond to her obvious concern for them as well as her loving attention.
Last, but not least, Lisa is a very loving, attentive mother. She is always willing to have other kids over to help out their parents and the kids are happy to be under her care.

Where your heart is, there is your treasure. If you value fame, fortune, or even worldly knowledge, that is where your allegiance lies. That is your "god"/ what you worship most. If you value love and relationships, you will get along well with God because His "work and glory" is to bring to pass the immortality and eternal life of man. Love is of supreme importance to Him. He wants us to want to be with him...FOREVER! There is a scripture concerning these days that refers to men's hearts growing cold. Not in my family, thank God. I pray that won't ever happen, even if we don't always agree. I want to continue in love.

I'm glad

When my children were growing up, they sometimes resented my standards for cleaning. I tried to take the time with each child, at whatever age they were, to explain how to get things truly clean. Vacuuming the center of the floor was not sufficient. Dusting around things on the shelf (except books) was not sufficient. Corners were where spiders and other bugs, as well as mold and mildew collected so you should not ignore them. Over the years, I have done quite a bit of cleaning. I learned how by trial and error- spots I missed became obvious eventually. I also learned that the less frequently I cleaned, the harder it was to clean so keeping things clean was easier. Now I enjoy cleaning because I know how. I guess it's that way with most things. When you know how to do something, it's easier and quicker therefore less miserable. I have had many people appreciate my standards of cleanliness, often willing to pay me pretty good money to do it for them. Sometimes I have sensed resentment among my children once they reached independent adulthood, when I cleaned at their homes. Although I never said any such thing, they sometimes interpreted my cleaning as an implication that THEY didn't clean enough. I have had to clarify that with each one. Once they realize that my cleaning was a sincere effort to HELP, not criticize, they let go of any resentment and were grateful.
I am so proud of my children. Each one that I raised, male or female, knows how to clean and does it well. I do not have a hard time finding a clean place to sit or put down an object in their homes. They don't grumble about cleaning anymore. They know how to do it, and they just do it.

Some reflections

I don't have photos for this blog so if you are one that looks in just for the pictures, you can skip this one. I unfortunately forgot to pack my journal so I took some brief notes in a little notebook as I noticed things or had thoughts I wanted to remember. I will use this as a way of recording those observations.
In the bathroom in our apartment in Italy, there was a bidet. We don't normally use a bidet. There was only a shower, no tub, so when I needed to shave my legs, I decided the bidet was a perfect place to do that. For anyone who may not be familiar with this bathroom furnishing, it looks like a cross between a toilet and a sink. It's used for washing the parts of you that need cleaning after using a toilet. It worked well for shaving my legs.
When I first started noticing "SALDI" in store windows, I thought it was an advertisement for items of a certain designer or manufacturer available in that store. I was thinking it must be a very popular line of merchandise until I realized it was in nearly all the stores and was sometimes accompanied by numbers and percentage signs. Aha! It's Italian for "sale".
Russ and I are fascinated to watch construction and repair work here in Europe, comparing it to what we're accustomed to. At the Palazzo in Italy on Friday, the groundskeeper came to groom the lawn. He was an older man who arrived on a garden-size tractor that had a "wagon" attached to the back without wheels (it was welded onto the back of the frame). In it were his wife (we assumed) who wore a dress, a lawnmower, a broom, a weed trimmer, and some other tools. The man proceeded to mow, then trim, while the woman swept pathways and patios as well as sweeping loose leaves under larger bushes in the flower beds. They were very efficient and did a lovely job.
We have been constantly awed to consider that we have been looking at so many buildings (still inhabited and even updated to included electric, heating, air conditioning-not as common, and running water) all older that the age of the country we live in. There are walls and buildings and towers and roads and sidewalks that have been in existence for hundreds of years and are all still in use!
I guess Italy isn't the only place that has a "siesta" break in the day but we sometimes struggled with scheduling our activities to deal with it. Some places we wanted to go were closed in the early afternoon hours. We were a little frustrated at Italian kids joyfully and very loudly playing outside our bedroom windows until midnight or 1 in the morning. They had napped for several hours in the afternoon while we were trudging about, sightseeing. We tried to be quiet in the morningsince they were still sleeping as we drove away at 8 or 9 in the morning to spend the day traveling to yet another beautiful old Italian town.
I guess Russ and I will cling to our old-fashioned ways in some areas. Washcloths seem to be going out of style even in the homes of our children in the States. In Italy, we used a hand towel for a washcloth because there were no washcloths. We just prefer scrubbing our bodies with a washcloth rather than just liquid soap or a bar of soap or even one of those plastic net things. We also use it to dry off a bit before using the towel so we don't make the towel smelly so quickly because it has gotten so wet. Then we use it to wipe down the shower walls to help avoid water-spotting.
We have found some concepts that could be beneficial to Americans to adopt. For instance, obesity is more rare in Europe. Part of the reason is that they often eat more healthy than Americans- smaller portions and different foods. Another reason is that Europeans are generally more active. We noticed years ago when we first visited James's family in Switzerland, that everyone from the very young children to the grey-haired seniors skis. They also walk, a LOT, and ride bikes and generally spend more active time as families, on dates, with friends, etc. To accommodate that lifestyle, they even pull large enclosed trailers behind tour buses, for transporting ski equipment or bikes for traveling tourists.
One last little thing: when you stop along the highway here in Europe at gas station/rest stops, you have to "pay" to use the toilet. Initially this is annoying. Russ and I were glad that Susanne and James always had the right coins for us to use. However, as I thought about it, it's similar to Aldi's requiring a coin to use a shopping cart. Americans have found that annoying but it really helps to avoid the constant careless leaving of carts all over the parking lots. In addition to causing people to better appreciate the use of a public toilet so they hopefully won't indulge in graffiti or general mess-making, the gas stations offer an incentive of coupons that come automatically when you put the coin in the machine to get through to the bathroom. Those coupons can be used to purchase small items, candy being the favorite for our grandkids here, in the little mini-marts.
We will spend another 2 weeks here and are unlikely to visit Europe again. James has been posted in Europe twice so far so his next post will probably be some other part of the world. It has been a wonderful experience to see this part of the world. The only thing related to Europe that I might consider on my bucket list is a trip to Ireland. I have ancestors who emigrated from there and love Irish music and dancing. Maybe some day.....................

Our last day in Italy

Russ and I were pretty tired of trudging through old towns and fortresses after 4 days so on Friday, when James and Susanne and the kids were headed into Montepulciano again, we opted to stay at the "apartment" and do laundry. The clothesline was strung in the olive orchard.
The picture below was supposed to be the last one for this blog but I still don't know how to change things around! Anyway, for our last night there, we went to a local ice cream shop called Be-Bop and enjoyed our last taste of local gelatto. Really yummy!!
We spent part of our day, along with doing laundry and taking the opportunity to swim in the pool when it was empty of children or other people, watching a repair being done on a main waterline leak right in front of our window. Can you believe that traffic, cars as well as a large truck, got by this truck on the road while they were working?

San Gigmignano

On Thursday we went to two cities, the first of which was San Gimignano, called a Medieval Manhattan for its many towers. Reportedly, at one time there were as many as 73 towers there but we only counted less than a dozen. Still, when you consider building techniques available in the 13th and 14th centuries, this place was impressive. The photo below shows Susanne, Jarom, and me as we are working our way back down from one of the towers we climbed up in. Lots of stairs!

The thing I liked least about this town was the vendors. The town squares were packed full of umbrella-covered booths selling all kinds of merchandise, not just souvenirs but clothing and home linens and all kinds of stuff. We even went by a vending machine installed in a wall for selling condoms!

Siena

This was another lovely church in Italy. This one was especially striking for the colors on the outside which don't really show up well here. There was a sign for the many things that were forbidden inside the church. Sadly, too many people didn't obey these rules. People took pictures and weren't modest about what they wore- they were just tourists going into another beautiful old building.

The picture below is a tower we climbed up in- always climbing, climbing, climbing!