Nurturing

I don't consider myself to be a weakling in any way. I may not lift weights but I can defend myself in tickle fights with my grandkids and I can haul a bag of cement. I may not watch tragedy in the news without tears but I have gotten through some major stress and trial and trauma without collapsing. But everybody, I mean EVERYBODY benefits from a little human concern and reassurance. I got a phone call from a couple of my aunts today. (The one standing and the one to the left of me in the above photo.) They were just checking to see how I was doing and wanted to remind me to let them know when I'm ever up in the area of my roots (upstate NY) because they would love to see me. It really made me feel loved.

I am so incredibly grateful for the women in my life. As I was struggling through my teenage years, I wasn't sure if I would grow up to have many friends. I was afraid of the jealousies among females and didn't want to be a part of it. What I didn't fully understand was the soul-feeding available from other women. Men can be good "listeners" and even express sympathy, but they just don't quite have the healing touch of women. My daughters and daughters-in-law have been good, supportive friends to me, despite the fact that I'm supposed to be older and wiser.
After my son's death, I posted a blog about my sisters. We haven't always had just tons of stuff in common or lived close by each other to have lunch on a regular basis. But I know my sisters care about me and would be right by my side if I ever needed them. I am grateful for the e-mails, phone calls, letters, visits, and prayers of the good women in my life. I haven't even mentioned yet the many wonderful friends I have! Women truly do have a way of nurturing. I'm so grateful to be a nurturer and to have the blessing of being nurtured.

Changing dreams

Russ and I got into an interesting conversation one of the times he was visiting me in the hospital. We were talking about how difficult it is for families to juggle their schedules, determine priorities, and stay determined in sticking to what they decide is best for THEIR family. I commented that I remembered the "women's lib" movement and my efforts to define for myself what I wanted for my life, what my dreams were. For the first decade of my life I had brief dreams of being a nurse because I thought it would be nice to help people. I soon realized that, although a nurse does indeed help people, there is a lot of blood, gore, and other nasty aspects of the career that I didn't think I could handle. The 2nd decade of my life I was enjoying performing. I loved to sing and dance and act and be on stage in whatever form I could. Music was a major joy for me. By my 3rd decade I was married with a child and just put into an envelope all my programs, newspaper clippings, ribbons, certificates, etc. and sadly labelled it "Mary's career that went nowhere". By this time I had decided that what I really wanted to do was teach. I love school. I love learning. I get a rush from feeling somehow enlarged or improved by learning a fact, an insight, or a skill that I didn't know before. When I got married I had a full scholarship to go to school but I soon realized that it would take money to travel from home to school and back, purchase basic school supplies, pay for child care as well as the stress of juggling time and energy. We had not intended in the beginning to start a family right away but I wouldn't have been able to continue in school right after the wedding without being separated from my husband who was serving in the Navy. Then having a baby right away further complicated the issue. Although I have never stopped loving learning and teaching, I have changed my dream again, just a little bit. I firmly believe that each child born into the world needs someone who loves them passionately and unconditionally. It provides the foundation to venture out into the world, independent and determined to succeed. I would have loved my children even if I had been working full time but I have never regretted being at home so I didn't have to send a sick child to a willing neighbor or relative when they were sick. They got to stay home in their own bed and whine at their own mommy who loved them and knew what they liked or didn't like. I have never regretted that I was home the day my teenage daughter came home distraught (although she dealt very well with it at school in the moment) after witnessing a teacher pass out. I have never regretted being at home available for the neighbor kids whose mothers weren't home and they had forgotten their key to get in their house. I have never regretted having time and opportunity to make cupcakes or fresh bread or cookies to share with my family or others. I have never regretted being able to have the time to teach my own children whatever things I could learn and pass on. I have had opportunities through church, scouts, and even schools to teach others. I have never gotten a "degree" that says to the world that I have received the accredited education to legitimately impart information to others. But I have loved every opportunity to teach whatever I learn. I love helping others to understand whatever I can help them to understand and I appreciate others doing the same for me. I will not spend the time or money to get a degree at this point in my life. I just continue to read, ponder, discuss, listen, and learn all I can. My dream no longer involves a "title" for a career. My dream is one that every human being can have. I just want to be the best person I can be. I want the world, at least some tiny portion of it, to be just a little better because I have been here.

All things are for our experience and can be used for our edification and improvement, if we so choose. I just returned from a 6-day stay in the hospital. I entered feeling really great, other than the yucky way you feel after being purposely emptied for a procedure on your bowels. A polyp had been discovered during a colonoscopy and it couldn't be removed during the procedure due to its size, shape, and location. The decision was made to simply cut out a small section of my colon and get it cleaned out for sure. I spent the first evening after surgery pretty much relaxed (with the help of chemicals called drugs) in bed. The next day I was ready to get up and walk. I felt really swollen but not too awfully sore. By the end of that day, I was starting to feel some pain and was happy to accept some "happy juice" through my IV. By the 3rd day I was on a liquid diet and glad to have something more than plastic foam soaked in water on a lollipop stick to rub around in my mouth. The 4th day I got cream of wheat for breakfast and was glad to have something more substantial than just juice or water. Not long after I ate it, though, I felt my insides gurgling more and more until, as I sat on my bed, I could feel stuff gushing out of me! I sent my husband after a nurse and didn't dare move because I had a puddle forming between my legs, distressingly dark and menacing looking. The nurse called in others to counsel with and ultimately I was surrounded by a small army of medical professionals. The nurse had also put in a call to my surgeon. The ICU nurse was there prepared to wheel me away when the surgeon called back and said that he thought I would be okay; to just clean me up and keep me comfortable. Later he visited me and explained that when the two ends of the colon sections are stapled together, there is no way to see exactly what is happening inside and sometimes and open blood vessel is stapled in and will bleed temporarily into the colon. My hemoglobin level had taken a dive and I was pretty lightheaded. On the 5th day I passed another large but even darker and gooier mass of "old" blood that had been inside my colon and was slowly pushed out as my digestive system starting working more and more. My hemoglobin level finally started to go back up a little after receiving 2 units of whole blood and as I ate some real meals and was really glad not to feel nauseous. On the 6th day I was finally released to come home. I feel pretty bloated and swollen and gurgly inside but am happy to be out of the hospital.
The medical people in the hospital were all very pleasant. I can't legitimately complain about anyone or anything. However, there are very real reasons to not enjoy being in a hospital. Sleeping is not much of an option there. Until my last night, when I got to sleep uninterrupted from 10:30 pm until they brought in a "new roommate" at 4 am, I never got more than 1 1/2 hours of undisturbed sleep time between lights turning on and being poked or having to adjust my bed so a bed for another patient could be moved in or out. I'm sure there is a reason why the lab chooses to collect blood samples at 2:30 am every night but it certainly wouldn't be the first choice for the patient! Whenever people are in pain and things are not going the way they would like, we tend to be ready to raise our voices in loud complaint. I just couldn't do that because everybody was sincerely trying to keep up with all the needs of all the patients and do all the procedures to check and double-check and record everything going in and going out of the doors and the patients.
As I have expressed before, I am grateful for medical personnel. I am glad there are people where my mother is living who are willing to clean up after 70 or 80-year old "infants" who can swear and complain and make bigger, smellier messes than any tiny human. I am also grateful for the aides that check vitals and will get the attention of a nurse when something is needed. I'm grateful for the compassion of nurses who really try their best to have you be comfortable when, under the circumstances, it just doesn't work out that you CAN be truly comfortable. I'm grateful for the doctors who may have to rely on the notes and observations of the nurses to know who you are and why you're there and what you might need. They have the courage to call for tests, make decisions for care or release, and the knowledge to feel fairly confident in doing it.

Team player or member of team

I have never been a big sports fan. I was for my children and am now for my grandchildren, very supportive of their participation in any sport they choose. I can see many sports-derived benefits from physical strength and coordination to mental tenacity and awareness. I think it's also important for children to learn good sportsmanship- not that the lesson always sticks! It's sad how many adults get over-reactive to results of GAMES! Another life skill developed in playing games is learning how to work together with others, how to work as a team. Unfortunately, this ability has been twisted in some areas by some people to being a "team player" rather than being a supportive member of a team. A "team player" implies that you are willing to give up everything, including your moral standards if necessary, for the "good" of the team to win or succeed. "Team players" do not criticize or expect better things from teammates. Their main focus is to do whatever the boss of the team wants them to do.
On the other hand, if you are a valuable member of a team, you not only do your very best in whatever your part is, you also cheer on your team members to succeed and improve, too. I have been thinking recently about the attitude some people have about having expectations placed on them. I have had several people close to me express the opinion that it's wrong to expect people to change, even if it means progressing or improving. The saying is something along the line of, "I wish everyone would just accept me the way I am". Personally, I don't think it's at all helpful and supportive to simply accept people for the way they are. We all have lots of room for improvement. I prefer the attitude that goes more like, "Because I love you and can see incredible potential in you, I will cheer you on to run a better race". A good team succeeds because they all expect good things from each other, not just accepting whatever happens. When things don't go well, there is an friendly but honest analysis of what went wrong with the understanding that, if certain changes are made, it could go better in the future. I think that works for any team, family, or community. You can say, "It's okay. I know you did the best you could." But if you don't have a basic belief in yourself and others to improve, that's the level you will get stuck on. We all have bad days and good days; times when we are better at things than others; days when we are better people than at other times. I sincerely believe that we are capable of improving and I sincerely believe that we are more able to do that when we have the support and encouragement of people who care about us. We don't ever have to settle for "the way we are" unless we choose to. But when we really love ourselves and others, we hope to improve and believe that we can. Just as in a sport, when a teammate, or coach, points out a fault or offers a suggestion for improvement, the whole team benefits if that team member accepts the advice and makes a diligent effort to improve, recognizing that the advice is for their personal benefit as well as for the betterment of the interaction of the whole team. Taking offense just causes bad feelings and deterioration of the value of the team. My son used to use a team analogy to encourage his kids to cooperate in the family. He taught them that the family (team) all benefits when each member does their best. He was right.

Why self-centeredness prevents happiness

Matthew, Mark, and Luke all quoted the Savior saying, "He that findeth his life shall lose it: and he that loseth his life for my sake shall find it." We usually take this to mean that we should serve the Lord rather than pursuing our own selfish ambitions. But why? God and Jesus love us more than we can comprehend in our present mortal state. God's whole work and glory is the immortality and eternal life of you and me. So why the emphasis on worshiping Him? Does God just want us to beat ourselves into the dust in feeling lowly and worthless compared to Him? God has also said that when we have served the least of our brethren, we have served Him. I have been realizing how it is that we become as joyful as the Lord wants us to be when we stop focusing on ourselves.
When we are "self" centered, we cannot feel grateful as deeply. We tend to see only what we want, material things, comfort, a place at the front of the line, praise, etc. We aren't happy with others because we neglect to see things from THEIR perspective. When we think about being the 3rd in a line, we don't even consider what is going on in the lives or thoughts of the person ahead of us, or even behind us. We may think we have reasons to be waited on first without being aware that someone else may have an invalid at home waiting for care or that someone else may have been in this line before and had to leave for some reason so they're back for even MORE time wasted in their busy life. We may not even notice that as we hurriedly approached the line, we may have sped past an older or infirmed person strenuously making their way to get a place in line. We will not feel grateful for the place we have in line because we were only thinking of ourselves. There may be people all around us that are in some way sacrificing or at least compromising what THEY want in order to accommodate US. There may be people in our lives that help or give up without demanding praise or even notice therefore, we don't notice. If we are focused on ourselves, we do not feel gratitude because don't notice what we need to feel grateful for.
When we are "self" focused, we don't feel appreciated enough. We know what we are doing for others but we don't make the effort to see what others are doing for us. We will always feel under-appreciated because we don't strive to appreciate others.
When we are "self" centered, we are pessimistic in general. We don't take joy in someone else winning the game because we are too focused on the fact that we, or the person or team we were rooting for, lost. We may have gotten a cookie, but we think someone else's cookie is bigger or has more chocolate chips in it. We may have had a peaceful night's rest but we think the tasks ahead of us in our day are somehow more daunting than what others face- because we have no idea what they are facing and we don't make the effort to find out or care!
When we are "self" centered we are miserable to be around because we bring no joy to others. When others tire of trying to praise us because it's never enough, they slowly draw away. Then we feel lonely. Then we experience self-fulfilling prophecy and end up being lonely because we are gradually becoming more alone.
It really is in our very best interest to consider and serve others. It is healthier and happier to see all that we DO have and not try to figure out all that we DON'T have.

Changes

I realize that mortal life is not static, and wisely so. As a matter of fact, it's essential to have a firm belief that we CAN change- that we will not always be the person we were when we were young and ignorant and foolish. But what if you feel yourself losing an aspect you don't WANT to lose? What if you feel a change happening that you have fought against? Most of my life I have been known as a cheerful, energetic person. I understand that as I get older, I will probably slow down physically. Despite our best efforts, the old body just doesn't do at 60 what it could do at 16. I prefer to be a positive influence on others and, to do that, I need to remain a positive person. I notice problems, "flaws"?, not with the intent to criticize, but with the intent to want to help. I have helped several older people and been greatly appreciated. I do that by being attentive and trying to be intuitive about when they will need help and how I can best provide that help. I have tried to make people feel comfortable in my home, whether just visiting for a few minutes, coming as a sewing customer, or staying for a prolonged period. I have had people comment on how comfortable they have felt in my home. I try to anticipate their needs or possible feelings and provide what I can or say what I can think of to help them feel comfortable. I'm rambling on about this because I have been having the extremely uncomfortable experience of having to second guess myself. I have always been of the opinion that any disagreement has two sides, two perspectives. It is rare that one person is ALL right or one is ALL wrong. I tried to be a peacemaker amid my children, trying to determine what every child involved in any contentious situation might need to do to improve the relationship. I have tried hard to learn about differing views and how they come about. I have tried to be sympathetic yet stand for what I can determine to be right. Having someone question my motives and take a perspective toward me that is not at all what I intended shakes me to the very core. I want to continue to be a cheerful, optimistic person. But if I am perceived as controlling or judgmental, how can I continue? If I am perceived as causing someone to suffer when I have only wanted to have a sharing, peaceful relationship, what do I do? In the past, I have pondered, prayed, read, discussed, and eventually felt better-able to continue. I'm afraid I am losing my resolve. I don't want to quit life as I have often felt in the past. I understand my purpose in mortality. I believe in a loving Father in Heaven who wants whatever is best for me. When it's my time to go, I'll go. I don't have the wisdom to make that decision for myself. However, I am having a really hard time forging ahead. I am letting fear overcome me and paralyze me. I am reaching a point of finding it overwhelmingly difficult to pick myself up, dust myself off, and keep trying. I will keep living but finding joy in it is really, really, really hard.

What is real?

I haven't had much time to blog and I haven't been taking any pictures. However, I continue to do a lot of pondering. As I watch my mother, and others, slip further into dementia, I can't help but wonder about how to determine what is "real". To my mother, her large belly and great weight gain is ample (ha ha) evidence that she is pregnant. To explain it, she has decided she is the recipient of a "miracle". Russ has been talking about studies that have shown that people who believe they are lucky, or unlucky, generally are so. There is a scripture that says something like "as a man thinketh, so he is" which is a warning to watch what we think. I know people who are constantly paranoid that someone is going to attack them or steal from them causing them to take extreme security measures. On the other hand, there are young people all over the world who have unprotected sex with the totally unconcerned attitude that they won't cause pregnancy or exchange any form of disease. There are many who take risks in driving, physical activities, and even occupations with disregard for potential danger.
So, what is real? Do we know if our perspective on reality is the correct one? There is a wide range of religious beliefs from no god to many gods. Truth is established in the mouths of two or more witnesses. What constitutes a witness? Is someone who simply chooses to believe something a "witness"?
For me, I CHOOSE to believe the witnesses who walked and talked with Jesus Christ 2000 years ago. There were more than one who saw Him and heard Him. I CHOOSE to believe that His promise to return is true. I CHOOSE to believe Joseph Smith saw Him with HIS FATHER. They spoke to him and gave him instructions. I also believe the other witnesses who saw, felt, and experienced things pertinent to Joseph Smith's testimony. I CHOOSE to believe there is an "assistant" to our Father that was promised by the Savior. That would be the Holy Ghost. I CHOOSE to believe the quiet and sometimes insistent promptings I can receive when I pray earnestly originate from the Holy Spirit. My choice is to follow the Savior- to believe in Him, to believe Him, and to try to be like Him. I believe everybody gets to choose- and to receive the consequences of their choices.