This problem I have................

     I am really dreading getting older. I have dealt with a variety of physical ailments and accidents in my life and have done okay with pain, although I certainly don't LIKE it! I have some unsurprising issues due to my age that I am also dealing okay with. One aspect of aging that kind of scares me is the mental deterioration. It's okay to make jokes about forgetting things but I have always loved to learn. I get a "high" from inputting new data into my brain. I have had one problem throughout my life with my brain that is likely to get worse and that scares me. I get lost. Whatever that internal GPS is that my husband and my older daughter have that allows them to figure out where they are, how they need to go to get where they want to be, and where they parked their car- I don't have that.
Friday morning Russ was taking a friend to a hospital for a procedure so I went on a walk by myself. The plan was to just take the circuit we have been taking daily for a couple of weeks now. Things didn't go according to plan. To give myself some credit, we have only lived in this neighborhood for a month or so and Sun City planners included a multitude of golf courses necessitating lots of dead ends, circles, and streets that don't go straight. I was walking along and suddenly realized things up ahead didn't look familiar. So I thought, I must have missed my turn and I turned. Awhile later I recognized that I was at the same intersection I had been in before. I had walked in a circle! The end result was that my 45 minute walk turned into an hour and 45 minutes before I finally managed to find my way home. I had taken my cell phone but between the brightness of the sun reflected on the screen, my lack of familiarity with my new "smart phone" , and not having my reading glasses (one of the older-age issues), I couldn't see it well enough nor could I manage to figure out how to use the GPS feature or to call someone who might be able to help me figure out where I was. So I just kept walking. I am truly grateful for the health and strength I enjoy so walking on and on was not a problem. The good people we are currently living with while awaiting our departure time for our mission had gotten concerned about me and called my phone just as I was finally safely within sight of the house. I propped up my feet for a few minutes before leaving for my doctor's appointment.
     It would take WAY more time and space to describe how frustrating our doctor visits have been since we started final preparations for our upcoming mission. Suffice it to say, when we first started going to our current doctor's office, it wasn't like this. So I got to the office at 8:15 for an 8:30 appointment only to find the door locked with a sign saying they were moving their office. I knocked because I could see a girl sitting in the office doing paperwork. She let me in and I could see everything had been taken off the walls and the place was pretty well empty except for some chairs and her computer, phones, and stacks of files. Between incoming calls, she explained that she had called me 3 times and asked if I had checked my messages. At first I thought it was my fault due to my not yet knowing how to use my new phone. Then I found out she had been calling the house phone that had been disconnected last November. I had made it a point to go in person to the doctor's office (because of all the complications we had already gone through) with our new contact information, clearly written out on a piece of paper. Apparently no one had logged it into the computer. So, the doctor wasn't there and wasn't going to be there so I wasn't going to be seeing him. I asked for a copy of my most recent lab work so I could know if the medications were doing what they were supposed to do. Because I was at Angela's in Louisiana when my synthroid ran out and the doctor would not extend the prescription without seeing me, I had been without it for a month before I saw him in February. He wanted blood work done again before we leave for our mission then was going to see me to make any necessary adjustments. I had the blood drawn a week ago but the lab had not yet sent over the results so she called and got the results faxed over and gave me a copy. The most "out-of-whack" element, highlighted by the lab, in my blood chemistry was my thyroid level. My TSH level which according to the lab should be between 0.45-4.50 was 46.52. I went home and looked up on the internet information to understand what that meant. Apparently TSH is a measurement of the requests sent out by the pituitary gland for the thyroid to put out more thyroxin. In 1974, I had "97%" of my thyroid removed due to overactivity. I have now been on a supplement since about 1980 or so, except for the time I was at Angela's in January. The blood work was a month after re-starting the supplement. There was also a test for T4 free molecules which are actual thyroid hormone. The normal range is .8-1.7 because it's usually not very much. Mine is .9 so it's not really as bad as it could be. I'm planning to see a doctor when we get to Nauvoo.
     All in all, I'm glad we ended up going to see the movie "Do You Believe?" in the afternoon because my day didn't start out all that well. The movie was so uplifting. It really comes down to simply keeping on keeping on. There are ups and downs, sometimes more extreme than others. We might as well trudge on and it's awesome to be loved. As it says in Ecclesiastes, "To everything there is a season.." - a time to laugh and a time to cry, a time to fly and a time to grit your teeth and just keep putting one foot in front of another. The very best part is, we aren't ever alone in the good times or the bad. Friends, family, loved ones all around are just the greatest blessing we have. I am greatly blessed. I am thankful.

Choosing our weapons

In case you weren't aware, there is currently a very large war being waged. Individual battles are going on in various countries, neighborhoods, homes, and especially in hearts. We can see the outward displays of beheading, murder, hatred, riots, infidelity, deception, theft, and countless other forms of attacks on all that is good and right on the earth. Every day there are adjustments being made in the size and participants of each army. As someone sees pain and reaches out to provide aid, the army of good and right grows. As someone gives in to anger, vengeance, greed, or lust, the army of evil grows. Some of us will change sides millions of times in our lifespan. There are weapons available to each of us that enable us to choose the side of good and right and STAY there.
Desire: the very first weapon is totally up to us to choose. We need to DESIRE that good and right overcome evil. We need to recognize that evil exists and ignoring it won't make it go away.
Prayer: individually we are often weak and subject to temptations. Temptations are not simply urges for drugs, sex, or other obvious "sins". Temptations come in the form of fear, doubt, anxiety, panic, anger, greed, and similar subtle but effective distractions from feeling happy and worthwhile. Because our weakness is so inherent, we often need a little help. The help can come in the form of spiritual promptings or more material human assistance. But first, we need to acknowledge we need help and ask for it.
Words of prophets: We have been given words to read and listen to which are more easily accessible to us than the still, small whisperings of the Holy Ghost. Prophets in the past have written down advice and recorded experiences in what we have as scriptures. There are also living prophets with one at the head- President Thomas S. Monson. In just a couple of weeks, these prophets will be speaking directly to the world during the General Conference of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints on Easter weekend. These words can guide us and comfort us and reassure us.
Guns will not silence guns. Hatred and violence will not stop hatred and violence. We need to utilize more effective weapons if we are to gain any advantage in this war. I pray that we will be able to find comrades in arms who can help us stand for what is right and good. I pray that we can each choose heroes to follow in staying on the side of right and good. I pray that we can see the difference between good and evil and not be deceived by clever disguises or propaganda. The winning side has already been determined. The only thing left to be determined is which side each individual will be on at the end of the war.

What is a guilty conscience?

     In the early 70's Russ and I were immersed in the hippy culture. I wouldn't say we were into the "drug culture" because all we did was smoke pot/marijuana/weed, and maybe occasionally hashish. We even grew our own marijuana because we had a nice garden space and it was cheaper to grow our own than to buy. It was illegal, of course, and our parents knew but didn't approve. We justified it to ourselves (and each other) by comparing being stoned to being drunk. We figured it was actually a superior way to seek an altered state in order to "have more fun" by escaping reality. Alcohol had all kinds of problems like angry drunks who caused destruction, drunk driving, addiction, liver and other physical ailments, etc. Pot just made you "mellow", albeit a bit irresponsible. So when we would toke up before gathering with our family at our parents' homes or go out in public, we thought it was pretty funny that, unlike being drunk, our "high" wasn't detectable by most people. Then in 1974, we began to wonder about being more adult and responsible and what to teach our children, especially about religious things. In that search for greater knowledge, we ended up studying with LDS missionaries: two young guys just about our age. One time they dropped by, unexpectedly, when we had been indulging and were feeling pretty good. We were surprised at our feeling of shame. We had always thought ourselves pretty clever when we were stoned around straight people and might even chuckle about how the minister, cop, parent, or other "authority" figure might not even have a clue as to what we had been doing. It was different with these two pleasant young men. Somehow we had a gut feeling that they were pure and really wanted to help guide us in our spiritual search. We felt guilty for being stoned enough to not be quite capable of fully comprehending or appreciating whatever they might try to teach us. Why?
     Recently we were talking about the looser moral standards to be found in many other countries, especially European countries. Many of them are quite tolerant of prostitution, nudity, adultery, drugs, and alcohol. All of it seems to go pretty much hand in hand. If you accept one sin, you accept another. If you go over one limit, why stop at any limit? I would not suggest going to the extreme of societies that claim outward restrictions of moral standards while ignoring them behind closed doors. I have no use for the hypocrisy of nations who decry immodest dress while men are expected to be free to have sex with unwilling young girls. I have no respect for people who claim to not want to promote gambling so it's illegal where they live but they happily travel across state or national borders to try for a big win. I believe that when people justify any surrender to urges that are not in the best interest of society in general, they want to insist that it's okay for themselves to do just about anything. Sometimes they even take hypocrisy to an extreme and are violently opposed to the open acts of sin by others when they commit equally wrong acts themselves. A prophet once explained, "the light of Christ is given to every man, that he may know good from evil." Just as Russ and I had the light of Christ which caused us to feel guilt in the presence of young men we hardly knew- LDS missionaries, every man and woman on the planet Earth has the light of Christ. Some call it "conscience". We can choose to ignore it but when we ignore it repeatedly, we soon become numb to it. We begin to justify ourselves more and more in doing wrong things, including calling evil good and good evil. "The light of Christ will lead the honest soul who hearkeneth to the voice to find the true gospel and the true Church and thereby receive the Holy Ghost" then "by the power of the Holy Ghost ye may know the truth of all things."

Continuing to learn

It's just a little over a week before we will leave Sun City, AZ. As wonderful as the people here are, we are getting anxious to get on to this next phase of our life. I have wanted to serve a mission for many years and, although I don't regret any of the time we have spent helping members of our family, I am excited to finally be able to serve a full-time mission for my Lord. I can't express enough how grateful I am for the good people in my life and for the wonderful opportunities we have had to travel, build relationships, and experience things that have broadened our understanding of the purpose of life.I sometimes wish I could be witty and entertaining to be able to make people laugh. I'm just not. But I am genuine in wanting to love people and make them feel good. My greatest hope is that no-one will ever be relieved to have me gone. I don't ever want to be an obstacle to someone's progress. That doesn't mean I expect to always be of assistance in the way people want. I am slowly learning the wisdom of knowing when to pick up and carry and when to stand by and cheer on. It's hard to watch anyone suffer in any way. However, I am learning that it is part of our existence. We each get to feel pain and sorrow. We each get to watch others we care about feel pain and sorrow. Sometimes the only thing we can do is hold a hand or provide a listening ear or shoulder to cry on. But we can't make it all better. It's the same for our Heavenly Father. He loves us enough that He wants us to gain strength and wisdom. We don't do that by having Him step in and make it all better every time. Learning to trust His wisdom is a long, difficult process. When we can do that, we will feel His peace. He has promised us that. But it's like learning patience- it takes time.

What I will miss most

As our anticipation to leave Sun City and go on to the next chapter of our life heightens, I have been reflecting on what I will miss about having lived here. We came here to Arizona primarily to care for my parents. I don't know that we would ever have chosen this area on our own. It is simply too hot and dry for our taste. We understand that the winter has been torturous in much of the nation so we feel like we really shouldn't complain. The daytime temperature here in March is already reaching 90 degrees and going outside any time from mid-morning to sundown is bordering on uncomfortable for us. There are plenty of people who love the weather here and lots of people who come just for the break from cold winters up north. As for what I will miss here- people I have gotten to know. We have become acquainted with some very nice people but I am convinced there are nice people everywhere. I must say that our relationship with members of the LDS Church is generally deeper than that with other people. It's not that non-members are in any way not as "good". There are people inside and outside the church who are good and not so good. But among those who are diligently striving to follow Jesus Christ, there is a genuine spirit of love, compassion, and desire to serve others that simply isn't a part of the make-up of the general population of the world. And among those who are active in the LDS Church, there is a higher percentage of people following that description than anywhere else. There is something about having made a covenant to always remember Jesus and keep His commandments that says something about a person. It's not simply an expression of belief in the existence of God and Jesus Christ. There is a level of commitment among active Latter Day Saints that is meaningful in determining what kind of character that person will have. There are businesses and government departments who actually seek out active Latter Day Saints because it is recognized even outside the Church that there is something "different" about Mormons.
As I looked around the congregation at church today, I realized that, along with getting antsy to get on down the road, I will miss these good people. At a casual glance, you might just see a group of grey-haired people who move slowly and stiffly, many with walkers, hearing aids, glasses, and bandages covering spots where possible melanomas have been removed. But when you get to know them, these are wonderful people all with stories worth listening to. There are simple people who have just worked hard all their lives and now take joy in a phone call or visit from posterity. There are people who seem fairly confident who have done amazing things in their lives, if you take the time to find out about them. There are so many who will lend a hand to do just about anything they can for others despite having fixed low incomes and crippled bodies. These are saintly people who are determined to endure to the end of their lives in keeping their covenants with God to serve Him and His children. They are genuine in their love and concern for others. They are what I will miss most when we leave here.

Judging

There is a lot of talk about judging. People who don't even really believe in the Bible or follow its teachings will admonish Christians if any comment is made concerning whether an activity is good or bad. Russ and I were remembering some people we met in Dayton and in doing so were reminded why we humans aren't good judges.
The most shocking lack of judgement was in our reaction to a man who was always dressed nicely, spoke politely, even seemed to have great faith in God and Jesus Christ, quoting scriptures fairly comfortably. He came to church regularly and served when called as well as helping a lot of people on his own. We ended up getting into a limousine business with him and he ran us into bankruptcy due to his illegal use of the business credit card, mounting up bills that just couldn't be paid no matter how hard we tried. He had tried numerous times to get Russ to purchase an insurance policy "for the sake of the business, just in case"........After we left the area, he murdered his "wife" (circumstances too involved to go into) then another man, planning to profit from their insurance policies and is now in prison.We certainly didn't correctly "judge" him to be a man it was safe to go into business with.
The next man I will mention is a "contractor"- I put that word in quotes because, beyond having a knowledge of the cheapest labor available in the area and some knowledge of construction, he wasn't all that great. Because the roof of the house we were rehabbing was so high and steep, we decided having Russ try to put on a new roof was not a good idea, yet it needed to be done. This man seemed pleasant enough, drove a decent truck- not fancy but good enough, and was clean-looking. He even occasionally appeared with his young grandson in his truck because he was tending him. He found people to do the work so it was done well enough. Then one day he came to us with his head hung low saying he was short on funds and wondered if we could "lend" him $500- just until he got paid for another job he was doing. We had known him for a year or so by then so we were happy to do it. We waited in vain for him to return and repay us. We even managed to track down where he lived and went to inquire when he might be able to pay us. He pleaded broke and was out of work. We never got our "loan" back.
The third man, Clarence, was a shiftless druggie. He drank and did some drugs. He didn't have a car and always walked everywhere. We met him through the "contractor". He was pleasant enough to deal with. He did a good job, as long as it was simple work. Before the loan incident with the contractor, he warned us that if we had Clarence do work for us we needed to wait until the work was completed to pay him or he would disappear on a binge. That warning came after we had paid him for some painting that he had not yet completed. We wondered for several days after we paid him whether he would ever come back to finish and had about decided we would have to do it ourselves. Then one day he showed up, apologized, and said he wasn't always dependable about finishing a job on time but he tried to always be a man of his word so he was back to finish what he had promised to do. He finished the work and didn't ask for any more money.
We had earnestly attempted to discern the trustworthiness of each of these men especially since our financial outlook was on the line. Looking on the outside of these men, expectations would be just the opposite of the end result. The one who looked so good was the worst in his heart and the one who looked the shabbiest was actually just weak in willpower but had good intentions. I thought, too, about the woman I mentioned in my last post- the female part of the "swinger" couple. She was attractive enough but I couldn't believe how easily she justified having an "open relationship" with her husband. Despite the responsibility of 3 children, she lusted after men other than her husband and tried to explain how it was "good for her marriage". She appeared to be very much into appearance, with nice clothes and jewelry and a lovely home with quality furnishings. Seeing her in any casual, happenstance setting, no one would ever guess the lifestyle she led.
Despite what the critics of Christians say, we do all judge- all the time. We need to make judgements on who to trust to care for our children, who to trust in business transactions of all sorts. Unfortunately, as hard as we try, we cannot judge completely correctly all the time. We can only see the cover of the book, not the contents. So we will continue to do whatever judging is required for our life decisions, but it's a really good thing that ultimate judgement is up to God. Only He really knows.

I'm still thinking along the lines of family. These days, family is being "redefined" to include just about any collection of creatures, even including pets. This may seem all-inclusive and welcoming and everything but it also tends to minimize the significance of the relationships. Although I may really love my pet and it's been with me a long time, it is not going to carry on my name or my genes. There are legitimate circumstances for having a family that could be viewed as "non-traditional". Sometimes people, no matter how badly they desire it, will never have the chance to marry or to have children of their own. They may not be in a position to adopt children even if they would like to. Family, like so many other concepts, has an ideal definition. This might be similar to the weight charts doctors have. For my height and age and gender, I should fall within certain parameters for my weight. If I don't, it is considered less healthy so I should strive to achieve a weight within those limits. In the meantime, I go on living and doing my best rather than simply justify myself and make no alterations to my lifestyle unless I am willing to suffer the consequences. Those who have sought guidance from God, who knows WAY more than we do, can gain from the words of prophets who are God's messengers. (Confirmation of their authority is readily available through prayer and inspiration from the Holy Ghost.) There are a group of men currently serving as God's prophets on the earth today. Their guidance to us reinforces what prophets throughout history have instructed us and gives us added clarification for today's issues. In 1995, the First Presidency and Quorum of the Twelve Apostles issued a Proclamation defining family and giving instruction for the ideal function thereof. They said:
We.........solemnly proclaim that marriage between a man and a woman is ordained of God......
All human beings- male and female- are created in the image of God. Each is a beloved spirit son or daughter of heavenly parents, and, as such, each has a divine nature and destiny. Gender is an essential characteristic of individual premortal, mortal, and eternal identity and purpose.
So far, we can learn that God created  us, as humans create babies, in HIS image, male and female. We do not have four legs or fur or shells or tails. We are loved by Him, not just His subjects to order around. Since we are His children, we are destined to have the potential to become like He is. Our gender, male or female, is really important. Neither gender is superior or inferior. Going on they said:
We declare that God's commandment for His children to multiply and replenish the earth remains in force. We further declare that God has commanded that the sacred powers of procreation are to be employed only between man and woman, lawfully wedded as husband and wife...........Children are entitled to birth within the bonds of matrimony, and to be reared by a father and a mother who honor marital vows with complete fidelity........Disability, death, or other circumstances may necessitate individual adaptation. Extended family should lend support when needed. We warn that individuals who violate covenants of chastity........... will one day stand accountable before God.
This is where it gets strained in today's "anything goes" morality. Loving ALL other people is a commandment. However, SEX (which is NOT THE SAME AS LOVE) with other people should only occur within certain limits. God has made it clear what those limits are: a man and a woman who have been legally and lawfully married. NOTHING ELSE is within God's definition of family or marriage. Through living prophets He has stated that there are "circumstances" which may necessitate individual adaptation but we should be careful what circumstances we try to squeeze by. Women may feel intimidated by men so they're more comfortable with other females. Nobody is required to get married to anybody. We can choose to live a life as a single. Recently I saw a segment on tv describing "swingers", who are basically people who have married someone but have an "open" relationship where they agree to have sex with anyone else whenever they want. I heard a woman explain that it has "helped her marriage to be stronger" because they communicate and are so open about their feelings and desires. (They even have 3 children!!) Obviously, this is not within the Lord's definition of circumstances to necessitate adaptation. The covenant, whatever one they used, between such persons is definitely not very meaningful as a covenant between two people. People these days talk about their "significant other", usually meaning a person they have chosen to develop a regular relationship with often meaning having unlimited sexual relations and even living together, but without an official covenant of fidelity to each other. It's basically just a "verbal agreement", if even that formal. The difficulty comes when children are produced. They become an often accidental result of the physical urges being satisfied between these two consenting adults. The parent-child relationship is solid genetically but may not feel stable otherwise. (Are verbal agreements in business always binding or accountable?) God has given us the freedom to choose whatever we want. Man-made governments often hold accountable those who violate others through murder, theft, rape(depending on the culture!), and other actions. We, His children, have decided that we want to be able to define and use our procreative powers (sex) in whatever way WE want, no matter what He wants. We can do that. But one day we "will stand accountable before God." That is why I cannot condone same-sex marriage, adultery, fornication, pedophilia, or anything like that. I still love those people who indulge themselves in those ways. I truly love them, but I don't agree that what they're doing is perfectly alright. Even if I have indulged in sex before marriage in my younger days, I can't say it was right. I know it was wrong. I even felt it was wrong at the time when the world of the 60's and 70's was trying to redefine moral standards. I was confused then but am not any longer. For me personally, I have sincerely repented and feel forgiven because I have absolutely no intention of ever repeating the indiscretion (sin). This doesn't mean I judge or condemn anyone who lives otherwise. I am grateful that THAT is not my job! I definitely don't have the wisdom for that kind of authority and don't expect to have it soon. I just have finally understood what are the best guidelines for achieving long-term happiness. I intend to stick with them no matter what confusion reigns around me. After all, I will stand before God alone and account for my thoughts, deeds, and actions. Besides, I feel better about myself if I am striving for a higher standard and I have to live with myself forever!