Changes

I realize that mortal life is not static, and wisely so. As a matter of fact, it's essential to have a firm belief that we CAN change- that we will not always be the person we were when we were young and ignorant and foolish. But what if you feel yourself losing an aspect you don't WANT to lose? What if you feel a change happening that you have fought against? Most of my life I have been known as a cheerful, energetic person. I understand that as I get older, I will probably slow down physically. Despite our best efforts, the old body just doesn't do at 60 what it could do at 16. I prefer to be a positive influence on others and, to do that, I need to remain a positive person. I notice problems, "flaws"?, not with the intent to criticize, but with the intent to want to help. I have helped several older people and been greatly appreciated. I do that by being attentive and trying to be intuitive about when they will need help and how I can best provide that help. I have tried to make people feel comfortable in my home, whether just visiting for a few minutes, coming as a sewing customer, or staying for a prolonged period. I have had people comment on how comfortable they have felt in my home. I try to anticipate their needs or possible feelings and provide what I can or say what I can think of to help them feel comfortable. I'm rambling on about this because I have been having the extremely uncomfortable experience of having to second guess myself. I have always been of the opinion that any disagreement has two sides, two perspectives. It is rare that one person is ALL right or one is ALL wrong. I tried to be a peacemaker amid my children, trying to determine what every child involved in any contentious situation might need to do to improve the relationship. I have tried hard to learn about differing views and how they come about. I have tried to be sympathetic yet stand for what I can determine to be right. Having someone question my motives and take a perspective toward me that is not at all what I intended shakes me to the very core. I want to continue to be a cheerful, optimistic person. But if I am perceived as controlling or judgmental, how can I continue? If I am perceived as causing someone to suffer when I have only wanted to have a sharing, peaceful relationship, what do I do? In the past, I have pondered, prayed, read, discussed, and eventually felt better-able to continue. I'm afraid I am losing my resolve. I don't want to quit life as I have often felt in the past. I understand my purpose in mortality. I believe in a loving Father in Heaven who wants whatever is best for me. When it's my time to go, I'll go. I don't have the wisdom to make that decision for myself. However, I am having a really hard time forging ahead. I am letting fear overcome me and paralyze me. I am reaching a point of finding it overwhelmingly difficult to pick myself up, dust myself off, and keep trying. I will keep living but finding joy in it is really, really, really hard.