Changing dreams

Russ and I got into an interesting conversation one of the times he was visiting me in the hospital. We were talking about how difficult it is for families to juggle their schedules, determine priorities, and stay determined in sticking to what they decide is best for THEIR family. I commented that I remembered the "women's lib" movement and my efforts to define for myself what I wanted for my life, what my dreams were. For the first decade of my life I had brief dreams of being a nurse because I thought it would be nice to help people. I soon realized that, although a nurse does indeed help people, there is a lot of blood, gore, and other nasty aspects of the career that I didn't think I could handle. The 2nd decade of my life I was enjoying performing. I loved to sing and dance and act and be on stage in whatever form I could. Music was a major joy for me. By my 3rd decade I was married with a child and just put into an envelope all my programs, newspaper clippings, ribbons, certificates, etc. and sadly labelled it "Mary's career that went nowhere". By this time I had decided that what I really wanted to do was teach. I love school. I love learning. I get a rush from feeling somehow enlarged or improved by learning a fact, an insight, or a skill that I didn't know before. When I got married I had a full scholarship to go to school but I soon realized that it would take money to travel from home to school and back, purchase basic school supplies, pay for child care as well as the stress of juggling time and energy. We had not intended in the beginning to start a family right away but I wouldn't have been able to continue in school right after the wedding without being separated from my husband who was serving in the Navy. Then having a baby right away further complicated the issue. Although I have never stopped loving learning and teaching, I have changed my dream again, just a little bit. I firmly believe that each child born into the world needs someone who loves them passionately and unconditionally. It provides the foundation to venture out into the world, independent and determined to succeed. I would have loved my children even if I had been working full time but I have never regretted being at home so I didn't have to send a sick child to a willing neighbor or relative when they were sick. They got to stay home in their own bed and whine at their own mommy who loved them and knew what they liked or didn't like. I have never regretted that I was home the day my teenage daughter came home distraught (although she dealt very well with it at school in the moment) after witnessing a teacher pass out. I have never regretted being at home available for the neighbor kids whose mothers weren't home and they had forgotten their key to get in their house. I have never regretted having time and opportunity to make cupcakes or fresh bread or cookies to share with my family or others. I have never regretted being able to have the time to teach my own children whatever things I could learn and pass on. I have had opportunities through church, scouts, and even schools to teach others. I have never gotten a "degree" that says to the world that I have received the accredited education to legitimately impart information to others. But I have loved every opportunity to teach whatever I learn. I love helping others to understand whatever I can help them to understand and I appreciate others doing the same for me. I will not spend the time or money to get a degree at this point in my life. I just continue to read, ponder, discuss, listen, and learn all I can. My dream no longer involves a "title" for a career. My dream is one that every human being can have. I just want to be the best person I can be. I want the world, at least some tiny portion of it, to be just a little better because I have been here.