The more I think about it......

     We just celebrated our 45th wedding anniversary. Our older daughter posted a congratulations on Facebook which caused us to reflect a bit. She mentioned that we have chosen to keep working on our marriage despite "fighting and arguing". After the pangs of guilt, I thought further. Any two human beings no matter the relationship: spouses, siblings, parent-child, friends, neighbors- if they both have an intellect at all, are going to have moments of disagreement. Even identical twins will not always happily agree on everything! Despite the fact that there are billions of human beings, it's somewhat a miracle that we are all unique. We all have an inert longing to be part of a group- to be included and wanted. Yet we will inevitably each utilize our God-given agency to choose. That's the part that matters most because that's the only thing we truly have of our own to give. A parent and child have lots of disagreements throughout the time the child lives in the parent's home. Part of that stems from the child trying to figure out who they are and what they like or want. Part of it stems from the parent struggling to figure out how to be responsible for another developing human being. The thing is, we never stop developing so we're always readjusting our position in relationship to other people as well as just internally figuring out who we are. I am currently serving a full-time mission in a temple. I have never done this before. Even those who have served as temple missionaries before have never served at this time in this temple with this group of people. So it's a "first-time experience" for everybody here! Each day different people come into the temple with different attitudes, desires, conceptions, behavior, etc. Every time I answer the phone, it's different. Each person who calls with a request to put a name on the prayer roll has different feelings or desires about a different situation. So we are each endlessly re-adjusting our thoughts, understandings, and desires according to our experiences and choices. It is inevitable that we will clash with others and react in ways from quiet inner thoughts all the way to extremely violent outward actions. Our reaction to those clashes are the only thing totally within our control and there is absolutely no blanket course of action to always follow. The end results will be anywhere from just another straw on the back of the camel which symbolizes our relationship with that person to an all-out separation of any desire to have a relationship at all.
     For me, personally, I want to be loving and peaceful in my relationships with others. However, I want to be a person of integrity which means I won't just go along with anyone else's ideas just to keep peace or be thought well of. I want to find truth, to the best of my knowledge and ability to search it out. I want to stand for true principles which for me means Godly principles because I believe God is far wiser than I am. I know I'm going to make mistakes but I would like to avoid self-induced pain and heartache as much as possible. If He can show me a way with superior results, I want to follow that. That requires developing a relationship with Him which requires I seek His wisdom and thoughts through His prophets words and personal prayer. All that sounds very ideal but it doesn't always go smoothly. Sometimes clashes occur because I'm not doing my part to be Christlike. Sometimes clashes occur because someone else either misinterprets me or simply doesn't want to agree with me. There are limited results for these clashes: compromise, one side winning over the other, or a parting of the ways. In order to keep going in a marriage, you need to try hard to keep trying for one of the first two. If you have a parting of the ways over too many issues, there will be a gap between you which is too wide to bridge. Divorce or at least estrangement will result with the impact sending out waves throughout a whole group of people: children, in-laws, parents, grandparents, friends, neighbors, co-workers, etc. All of this from the choice of 2 mere individuals who chose to allow a widening gap without efforts to repair or compromise. Russ and I never wanted to make that choice. So, yes, we have fought and argued over the years. But we have resisted ever getting nasty enough to cause wounds that couldn't heal with time and patience. We have chosen to swallow our pride and wait for passions to blow over. We have been willing to forgive and tried to forget. I don't know if any fairy-tale marriages where everybody lives happily ever after actually exist. I don't know of any. I know of a number of marriages where one partner seems to have to give a whole lot more than the other, but that is only my perspective and I will probably never know how accurate I am. In my marriage, I just want to be the best person I know how to be, which includes being forgiving and tolerant and willing to listen and compromise. What more can I do?