Lotsa love

As I spend time with my parents near the end of their mortal journey, I am constantly amazed at how much our family loves each other. My father's siblings are all close, I am close with my siblings, and we are passing it on to the next generation and the next one after that. Here is James, our older son, with his younger brother's daughter.

Here is Angela, our older daughter, with James's daughter.
Here are James's kids with Angela's kids.

Here are James's kids with Ammon's kids.

They are all just too wonderful. I miss them so much when I am not with them, which is way too much of the time. Maybe we'll have more time together during the millenium.

Lot's wife

I guess blogs are getting to be a less poplular means of communication what with all the instant twittering and tweeting and stuff. I don't know whether what I have to say is of interest to many but I will continue to express myself as a way of venting feelings or organizing thoughts.
I was recently thinking about what my prayer priorities are- meaning my "short list" to Heavenly Father- the things I want most, then second, third, etc. I always tell Him that I want most for His will to be done because He's much wiser than I am plus He has the benefit of greater insight into what is in people's hearts and what will be happening next and why people have done what they have done in the past to get where we all are right now. Having put that in place, I tell Him that the thing I would want most and first is for Christ to come really soon (the "soon" being earthly time, not His time which is a thousand years for a day here!).
Second, if Christ isn't coming right away so we have to deal with the status quo of earth life, I would like my parents to not have to suffer much longer. Dad has already lived longer than the doctors thought he would and has been very pleasant about it all (in and out of the hospital, doctors' offices, having to force himself to take nourishment, etc). I know I will be reunited with him, so long as I remain true to what I know. I don't want my father to be stuck here with an ailing body just so I don't have to say goodbye. He has lived a good life and right now his life is not so good. The pain he has been having recently is the worst part. As for my mother, I see her slowly departing the reality of earth life. It's not immediately obvious when someone talks to her. She knows her name and where she is and what day it is. But she's worried about losing Dad and she's unhappy in the nursing home and can't hear or see very well to say nothing about being stuck in a wheelchair. They're both 84 and in this day and age, that's long enough to have experienced life and they have both done a lot of good things for lots of people. Also in this list of what I would like if the Second Coming isn't imminent, I want my daughter's house in Ohio to sell unless there's a really good reason they need to retain ownership of it. The financial burden is onerous to her and her family. They have diligently tried to get out of debt and this is not helping! I also would want our house to sell so Russ can join me here in Arizona, that is, unless there is a good reason why he should not join me here. I don't know what that might be but I have to leave the possibility open.
I have wandered from what I had initially wanted to say. As I thought about Christ returning and what will happen, I have had to realize that Christ said He knew that His message would not always unite people. "...so shall also the coming of the Son of man be. Then shall two be in the field; the one shall be taken, and the other left. Two women shall be grinding at the mill; the one shall be taken, and the other left. Watch therefore: for ye know not what hour your Lord doth come." So not everybody will go with the Lord, or stay with the Lord, however you want to look at it. Even the people closest to you may not stay where you stay. We each have to choose where we want to end up. As I thought about that, I realized that I know for sure that I want to be where there will be peace, love, joy, and good will toward all. As I picture myself going toward the Savior, I realized that I could not look back. I thought about Lot's wife. She looked back toward the city they were leaving, perhaps with a little longing in her heart for something or someone left behind. You simply can't be with the Lord if you aren't going with FULL heart and purpose. If you have a little doubt or longing for things of this world, you will not be fully happy with Him. He wants you to be fully happy so He will let you be where you most want to be. I wish I could not have to leave anyone I love but I have to be prepared to do that if necessary. I can't make the decision for ANYONE but me. All I can do is encourage those I love to make the same choice and be a good example to help lead others in that direction. I'm trying.

K-lines

When we arrive on the planet, we are basically driven by instincts with very little thought processes, as far as we know so far. I have been fascinated learning about how our brains work. "Thoughts" are simply electrical impulses moving through our brain tissue, connecting with paths that resulted from experiences and thoughts you have already had. A pathway is called a "k-line", the k being knowledge. The more times electrical impulses move on a pathway, the more established a path, kind of like wearing down a path through the grass, or a rut in a road. Hence, you could say that if you are stuck in a rut, your brain truly has a "rut" that your thought processes follow. I think it was Will Rogers that said, "If you find yourself in a hole, stop digging". The same could be said of a rut. If you want to get out of a rut, YOU have to stop using the same pathway. That's why addiction can only be overcome if a person deeply WANTS to overcome it. That's why we can't change our behavior unless we have such a strong desire that we actually stop the usual pathway of thought in our brains and find an alternate route. If all you do is yell "STOP IT" to yourself or even someone else, it won't be nearly as effective as offering an alternative. We are the ones who formulate the infrastructure in our brains that establishes who we are. If we see litter and think to our selves that it doesn't belong there and it's ugly we will be likely to pick it up and dispose of it properly as well as avoiding littering ourselves. However, if we don't allow the image into our brains or we immediately think "that's not mine" or "that's someone else's problem", we will simply walk on by. We establish a habit, a pattern of behavior. If we think to ourselves, "That's so hard. I'm too tired, too weak. I can't do it", then we won't be able to do whatever it is. If we think, "I am fat/ugly/ stupid/ untalented", absolutely no amount of praise or encouragement from any number of other people can change that k-line in our brain. We can choose to continue making the negative ruts deeper to arrive in a dead-end, or we can force ourselves to choose an alternate thought path to end up in a different place mentally. Only God knows how difficult it is for us to shift into a different pathway. But I do know that for every single person, it must start with sincere desire. (I guess that's what repentance is all about- not just an expression of regret or even an offer to make amends, but a deeply felt desire to be different.) We have to want something different (a more fit body, an improved talent, overcoming a weakness or temptation) badly enough to pay the price. The price is to GIVE UP the rutted path! We have to decide that the way we have been going is NOT the way we want to keep going because we don't like the idea of ending at the destination that path will take us. That could mean giving up self-loathing, overcoming fear, ignoring doubt or perceived condemnation from others, even changing our perspective of the "reality" we have created for ourselves. I don't recommend just following the crowd but I do think that sometimes other people might give us a clearer picture of what we think we're seeing, or at least open our minds to the possibility that we aren't seeing things accurately. I know someone who has convinced herself that she is less than what she should be even though she appears to everyone outside herself as a talented, beautiful, accomplished person. I know someone else who feels he cannot communicate with God because He doesn't love him or he's not worthy, despite countless scriptures and evidence to the contrary. I know someone who is slipping out of the real world because she is afraid of failure and lacks belief in her own potential. We can talk to loved ones, seek professional counseling, and even resort to prescribed chemicals to help us change our pathways. But nothing will work unless we WANT to change and stop justifying our position to ourselves and others. We are all alone in our responsibility to choose who we want to be. (I'm not talking about thinking ourselves taller or overcoming physical problems like blindness.) I am talking about choosing what talents we want to improve and share, believing in ourselves without constant apologies or excuses because we are afraid that other people think we should be something other than what we are. Fear is paralyzing. But we are the ones who CHOOSE to be afraid.

I am slowly gaining a new perspective on life. I think it's possible to learn new things every day but sometimes we are in a position to gain new insights into just about everything we know or see. I expect I will live for another several decades. These days the average life expectancy is definitely higher here in the USA than my nearly 60 years. However, I do believe I'm more than halfway through mortality. I am focused here on watching for signs of imminent death. I have never had this experience. When my grandparents died, or other relatives, it was usually somewhat expected and I never was with any of them on a daily basis. When my son died, I had no warning. It was such a shock that, nearly 3 years later, I still feel somewhat numb. Seeing his still form in the casket was a stab straight to the heart. I am grateful to know that there is a God, His Son Jesus Christ died and was resurrected so that our mortal death would not mean the end. To be perfectly honest, I miss Ammon but I know that he didn't leave early because that was what he wanted to do. It actually hurt more when my daughter chose to leave our home early. She didn't die but she did, by her own choice, take away her presence from my every day life before I was ready to have her go on to other things in other places. I know I will see Ammon again and I know he misses me as I miss him. We really have no direct control over life and death, just over how we react to it.
I visit Mom in the care center every day. I see there people of various ages, many of them even younger than Mom, but all with bodies that are far from strong and healthy. I would much rather leave this life than to stay here with a broken body. I know I'm not alone in that feeling. When we are admonished in the scriptures to "endure to the end", I think of the men and women in wheelchairs or beds, having to always wait until some more able-bodied person comes to help them bathe, go to the bathroom, or sometimes even eat and drink. Then my gaze shifts to those more able-bodied persons who work with these people day after day, year after year. I see one of the aides shoveling gruel (some kind of soupy, warm cereal) into the mouth of an older woman who cannot talk coherently or move for herself yet her heart still beats and her lungs still bring in air. The aide chats with another aide who is doing similar work. They seem almost oblivious to the fact that these are human beings they are caring for. This is the job they have. Many of them seem to be at their intellectual limit in doing this custodial-type care. Some of them are very tender and kind to the patients they care for. There are so many patients, sometimes they have to be pretty abrupt in doing whatever needs to be done in order to get to the next person: changing a diaper on an 80-something year old woman, trying to straighten out a wheelchair traffic jam, getting a drink for someone who is unable to get it for themselves, repeating over and over the explanations of things like what day it is, why they can't do whatever it is they are asking to do, trying to determine what is real and what is imaginary. It's overwhelming.
I have chosen to follow Christ. I want to be like Him because I want to be able to spend eternity with Him, and Heavenly Father, in peace, love, harmony, and all that good stuff. I know there are beautiful experiences and sights here on the earth, but the sorrow, anger, frustrations, and sufferings are just unpleasant. Enduring to the end? Can I be patient with a broken bodied person who just never seems to be able to understand no matter how many times and ways I explain something? Can I be enduring if I am ever relegated to live out the remainder of my life with a broken body that simply cannot do the things that I would like to or even need to do? And for me, right now, today, can I be open to the whisperings of the Spirit enough to know when the end is near for a loved one so I can do all I can to help, comfort, and love through to the final departure? I just keep praying and taking a step at a time.

Update

I haven't written a blog for awhile. I'm sorry I don't have a camera with me to be able to take pictures to post to make it more interesting. Yesterday Russ and I finished cleaning out Dad's shop. Dad is normally very neat and well-organized. Since moving here about 10 years ago, he just hasn't had the opportunity to get his things completely straightened up. There were lots of things in this house when they moved in. The previous owners were both old and when they died, apparently there was no one in their family that wanted anything so it was all just left here, right down to dishes in the cupboard, clothes in the closets, and medicine in the bathrooms! Dad put his stuff into the shop, just pushing stuff out of the way. Then they spent most years in and out traveling the country to visit family and only being here part of the time. Then, 2 years ago, Mom had a r eally bad fall and things got pretty hectic for Dad trying to do construction work for people, visit Mom in the hospital then nursing home, and keeping up with life. And THEN, a year ago, he was diagnosed with Stage IV lung cancer and started chemotherapy. Being 84 and having chemo, his energy has been pretty sapped. He's not afraid of dying, thank goodness. He's not an avid scripture reader but he knows there is a God and that his life will continue after he leaves mortality. He has been reasonable about getting rid of "earthly things". I went through his closet with him quite awhile ago and he kept very little. He kept some work clothes on the hopes that he might get strong enough to do SOME work. Other than that, he has been realistic about his expected lifespan and what he will need.
Last night we pulled off what could have been a disastrous "Christmas gift" for my parents- especially Mom. On the way to the airport recently, I noticed a sign advertising the largest light show in Arizona. I thought that seeing a Christmas light display that we could drive through might be a really pleasant experience for Mom, Dad, Russ, and me. But how to manage it? Mom cannot get in and out of a vehicle. For the past two years, she has only travelled in a wheelchair transport van. That costs quite a bit and it doesn't allow other passengers to ride along. I started asking at church, since they are my closest contacts for things around here. A couple at church offered the use of their van that has a wheelchair lift in the back to carry an unoccupied wheelchair. Since I had been unable to find any other way to manage it, Russ, Dad, and I went to their house and analyzed how we might be able to get Mom in and out. We thought we might be able to do it. With the use of the couple's motorized wheelchair that had a movable arm to lift out of the way, the slide board my brother had made for Mom quite awhile ago, a sturdy physical therapy belt, and brute force (including having to bend Mom's legs for her), Russ and I managed to get Mom into one of the rear seats of the van. We drove down to Glendale, drove through the light display, and got Mom back before the rain got too persistent and the hour too late. It was a successful venture and we were all greatly relieved that it worked out.
I continue to be more comfortable with taking care of Dad than dealing with Mom. A few days ago, she commented to me that she hadn't slept well. When I asked why, she said that she was uncomfortable because a nurse had put a pillow behind her back. I asked, rather incredulously, why she didn't move it! She even said the nurse offered her a pain pill because she was uncomfortable with the position of her legs and back. She refused because she didn't want to take a pill. I just can't understand why she is diagnosed with nothing more serious than osteoporosis but she does nothing for herself. She won't move her legs if her feet start to slide off the leg supports on her wheelchair. She puts a pillow between her knees as she sits all day in her wheelchair instead of bending her knees and moving her legs apart so they don't rub together. I understand that she is 84 and has been through some great trials. But she talks CONSTANTLY about coming home. She talks about "next Christmas" or some other time in the future with no intention of believing she won't still be here. Maybe it's her way of dealing with a fear she has of death. She has been a very religious woman most of her life. She should understand and appreciate that this mortal life is just temporary for all of us. There is also considerable evidence that her mental faculties aren't really strong. Sometimes she seems to understand things and sometimes she just doesn't seem to get it. It's not like I have to bite my tongue all the time. I know there is no point in getting angry or even impatient with her. I know she isn't fully realistic about things. My dilemma is knowing how blunt, how honest, how insistent to be. How hard do I try to explain or remind? Fortunately, the care center doctor finally agreed to request a counselor to visit with Mom. I can only hope it helps for someone not so close to talk to her. Maybe Mom will understand better why she can't "come home" and maybe the counselor will get a better insight into her thinking and can explain it to Dad, me, and my sisters.

Happy Birthday, Son

On December 25th we celebrate the birth of someone who started mortal life over 2,000 years ago. His birth was unique because of who He is. The millions of people who have ever lived or who now live on this earth benefited from His birth, life, and sacrifice.
Our family started celebrating 31 years ago on December 3 when we had a baby boy join our mortal family. Although Christ is not here in mortality for us to see every day, we celebrate His birth. Although Ammon is not here in mortality, I still celebrate what he contributed to our family. His children are beautiful, his wife is a great asset to us, and he taught us all even if it wasn't all necessarily pleasant at the time. He succeeded in developing several talents during his relatively short mortal life. He also learned some wisdom. I imagine he will amaze me when I see him again. He is likely doing wonderful things and learning much more. Happy Birthday, Ammon.

Sorry

I don't know if anybody reads blogs much any more now that there are quicky Tweets or twitters or texts or whatever. But I'm feeling a little blue and need to vent. Sorry.
I have been thinking about rebelliousness. The writers of the US Constitution were right- we do have "God-given" freedoms. Unfortunately, most of us act like some teenagers who are given the car keys. We are excited for the freedom but don't consider the responsibility. Russ and I had a really good friend who was using his God-given freedom to make choices in some not-so-responsible ways. He was a heavy smoker, doing drugs and living a homosexual lifestyle. One time he was trying to convince us of the benefits of using raw sugar versus processed sugar. It was hard to take him seriously. He is taking poison into his body in the form of nicotine and tar in his lungs, other unnecessary drugs in various forms, and having risky sex and he wants us to listen to his concerns about SUGAR??!! In Alice in Wonderland, the Cheshire cat says, "If you don't know where you want to go, it doesn't really matter which path you take." We have the freedom to take whatever path we want, but we shouldn't be surprised at where we arrive. There is a scripture in which the Lord (who is much wiser than I am) "suggests" what we should or should not take into our bodies in order to be healthy. Sometimes people chafe at such things. I remember having someone say to me, "Oh, that's right, you can't drink coke (or coffee, or tea, or wine, or alcohol)." That's not really true. I CAN do whatever I want. I just choose not to take into my body any unnecessary stimulants or sedatives. I am trying to be in control of my body rather than have my body dictate to me what it needs to be awake, or relaxed, or whatever. At least once a month I fast, going without food or drink for 24 hours. That is also my choice. I am doing it to let my body know that I am in charge. I am doing it to strengthen the part of me that will last forever- my spirit. I doesn't really matter if you have a cup of coffee or smoke a cigarette. God will not condemn you to eternity apart from Him (also known as Hell) for anything like that. However, if someone does not want to take His advice or follow His instructions, why would they expect to dwell with Him forever? It will not work to have rebels in His company. That's what the war before any of us came here to earth was all about and that's what the final war will determine- whose side you want to be on. A king/prophet once said, "I cannot tell you all the ways in which you can sin for there are diverse ways." He wasn't just being elusive or trying to use scare tactics. His point is that it isn't the picky little things we do or don't do. It isn't a matter of whether you use a serve yourself gas pump to avoid "shopping" on the Sabbath or whether you drink caffeinated or de-caffeinated Coke. It's all about your heart. Do you WANT to be obedient? Do you WANT to learn from a wise Heavenly Father? Or would you rather use your freedom to make your own choices and do things your own way?
It's easier to keep the commandments 100% than 98%, as said recently by a wise man. That way you don't have to try to figure out how to justify yourself or your choices. Just remain humble and obedient. Just make every effort you can to learn His wisdom so you won't have to go to Him with questions about every detail of life. He wants us to be like Him.