Martin

These are pictures over the years of one of our grandsons. We recently celebrated his 16th birthday. Our family fell in love with this sweet-faced blonde boy from the very beginning. He was not destined to be like either of his brothers. When the diagnosis of autism was pronounced, everyone in our family scrambled to learn more about it. It seems to be that way for everything from cancer to Reyes syndrome to measles to asthma. When someone you know and love has it, you want to know what to expect.

Despite any initial fears we may have had for his development, Martin has always been cheerful and open to learning new things, even if a little reluctant occasionally. He has done well in school and has learned things from trains (his first and best love) to cheerleading to math to the gospel.

He has been know to get into predicaments and be pretty frightened. For awhile, if he got anything at all on his clothes (including plain water), he would immediately set out to remove the clothing no matter where he was.

He talks about driving which is appropriate for 16-year olds in the U.S. He has tried his hand at bumper cars, rides bicycles well, and did pretty well on a golf cart. Whether he is ever able to manage the complexities of driving a motor vehicle on a road with other vehicles and all the hazards common to this mode of transportation remains to be seen. But we are all proud of how far he has come in 16 years. A lot of that can be attributed to a mother who has always encouraged him and never restricted him from anything that might be confusing or difficult for a son with autism. She has loved him unconditionally and he has learned to love others much more than any of us could have imagined.

Striving for perfection

I want to start off defining "Church". Mortal men are the ones who have delineated Protestant, Baptist, Methodist, Catholic, even Jewish churches. The Lord recognizes only 2 churches.An angel of the Lord said, "Behold there are save two churches only; the one is the church of the Lamb of God, and the other is the church of the devil." When Jesus Christ returns to earth, "every knee shall bow and every tongue confess" that He is their Savior. Those who cannot abide the day of His coming shall be taken from the earth until the end of the millenium and the great, final war. So when I refer to "Church" it can refer to anyone who is striving to please God and be like His Son.
I am grateful when Church leaders counsel those who are trying TOO hard. I realize that the majority of God's children err on the side of not doing enough of the right things. But there is a group, however small it may be, who try so hard to do good things that they can actually do harm. Recently a Church leader counseled those who might give TOO much time to Church service to remember their families need their time and energy, too. There are some who work so hard to get perfect grades in schooling that they become depressed or anxious when they only do "well". That can result in changing their focus from learning more to mourning over past performances. That in turn results in a downward spiral.
Recently I met a young woman, beautiful, healthy, slim and sweet. It soon became apparent that she focuses so much on striving for perfection that she is actually damaging herself. She was seeking counsel from a physical trainer about her "pooch"- meaning a tiny bulge of stomach. She really had no excess fat but was so concerned that "proportionately" (her words, not mine) her stomach bulged more than it should for her tiny size. She also asked a dental assistant about fixing some erosion in her gums caused by overuse of teeth whitening strips. It broke my heart to listen to her sincere, anxious concerns about what she sees as glaring flaws. I would not have been surprised to hear she was prone to eating disorders. She dresses simply and does not appear to be focused totally on what the world would define as goals for her outward appearance. I think she is just really trying to be as "perfect" as she can be, to the extent she understands it. She immediately dismissed my opinion that she did not have a "pooch" that "hangs out".( I have a daughter who similarly has a difficult time accepting or believing any form of praise.) You can tell her she's beautiful but she won't believe you. You can tell her she's good but she doesn't feel good enough. I wish I could convince those relative few who have such good intentions that they are loved and accepted as they are, not that striving to improve is a bad thing. There are standards of "perfection" which matter and those that don't. Beauty is in the eyes of the beholder. Depending on who is doing the beholding, no one is perfectly beautiful and no one is perfectly ugly. It doesn't matter! Achieving a grade or score according to some man-made standard will change depending on who is manufacturing the standard. Learn what you can and do your best but beyond that, it doesn't matter. Strive to live ALL the commandments of God and strive to learn more but know that "after all you can do", you need the Atonement to be sanctified. Everyone does and you will not be an exception. THAT IS OKAY!  Being perfect in the Lord's meaning is more about our intentions and goals than our achievements. We will not be like God as mortals- ever. But we can be perfect in not losing our faith and trust in Him. We can be perfect in our resolve to control our appetites and passions as well as striving to learn wisdom. We may get discouraged. We may lose steam sometimes. THAT IS OKAY! Our outward appearance (beyond being neat and clean) doesn't matter. Our man-given labels or certificates don't matter. Our income or house size or car brand DO NOT MATTER!  I wish I could send that message and have it received- but only to those for whom it's necessary.

Confidence and inconsequential

I have been pondering these two title words lately. As I observe people that seem to have confidence or lack it, I am struck by how much it can impact our growth. Those who lack confidence can not only be stunted in growth but it can actually be detrimental. They tend to be followers because they see those who appear confident to have more knowledge or ability, which may or may not be true. Having confidence does NOT guarantee greater knowledge or ability. If a choice is made to follow, idealogically or literally, a person with confidence, it could lead to greater understanding or greater mistakes. On the other hand, sometimes people have confidence to the point that they rarely question themselves which can be a big problem. Confidence without humility is a roadblock to greater knowledge or improvement. Strong confidence can cause a person to feel they know something they really don't know but have only inferred from some small snippet of information which they may or may not have correctly understood. Confidence is like chocolate- it is great in small amounts but if you have too much it can make you sick. If you have none, it can make your life much less pleasant.
As for inconsequential- I have experienced what it can feel like to be treated as inconsequential and it hurts. It's nice to be respected or loved and it's unpleasant to be ridiculed or disliked. However, being treated with disdain could at least have the impact of causing someone to be defensive thereby self-reflecting. Self-reflection can cause a person to either strengthen their resolve and determine other people have some real problems therefore they can stand secure in the knowledge they are right even if not everyone knows it. OR self-reflection can cause a person to decide maybe they need to work on a problem of their own which could lead to improvement. Either way, dislike has the potential to lead to feeling better about yourself. Being treated as inconsequential is nearly exclusively disastrous. When others treat you as though they really don't care whether you exist, there is a total feeling of hopelessness. It doesn't matter what you say or do if others don't notice and don't care to notice you. If your comments are brushed aside as meaningless or your accomplishments are not just unappreciated but totally ignored, it causes you to feel less than dust. It causes you to feel invisible, and not in a science fiction kind of way. You feel that whatever your interests or preferences are, the world would be just as well of without them. Whatever your ideas are, they aren't needed. You aren't cute or funny or smart or talented or anything that could make you feel like you mattered. In fact, you feel like it would take a long time for people to even notice your absence. To me, that's worse than having them dislike you. If someone dislikes you, you are at least worth the effort to be considered. If you are inconsequential, you aren't worth a thought or notice. I need to make a concerted effort to notice others and never treat them as if they don't matter- whether it's a homeless person, a small person, a handicapped person, a liberal, conservative, wealthy, smart, tattooed, dirty, well-dressed, or old person. Everybody matters.

Between holidays

The day after Christmas, our intrepid Victoria started the long drive from Ohio with 3 kids to join us in Louisiana. I can't express the joy I feel being surrounded by our posterity as we read scriptures together every night then say a family prayer. For daytime activities, Angela has been resourceful and creative. It has been raining quite a bit and not terribly warm but we have had some good activities. I can happily and proudly state that my family appreciates learning, not just entertainment. All of my family enjoys going to museums and science centers. Despite the wide range of ages, everyone had fun going to the science center.

Then, on a day when the weather was a little more cooperative, we were able to go to a stable owned by friends of Angela and Scott. (Being a member of the LDS Church also provides some beneficial connections through generous, pleasant people.) The kids learned a little about taking care of horses, including brushing them and cleaning up after them.

I got to ride a horse for the first time in many years, although getting on this handsome Arabian took some help. I guess I'm just not as agile as I once was.

 The kids all rode,too, with and without saddles. Then they spent time playing lacrosse and swinging on a tire swing. The little boy in the front of this picture, the son of the sweet woman who was our hostess, watched me finally get on the horse, then later commented with what I'm sure was intended as a compliment. "Gee, I didn't know such an old lady could do that!" It must be the white hair......

Christmas

Christmas was equally nice at our daughter, Angela's in Louisiana. She had invited a set of local sister missionaries to have dinner after which we went caroling and delivered some baked goodies.

Christmas morning was the simplest we have ever had. Russ and I had not even one gift for each other wrapped under the tree. We didn't feel at all bad. In fact, we had explained to all our loved ones that we sincerely did not want anything for Christmas because we would only have to put it in storage for the next couple of years. Scott and Angela's family kept it really simple, too, with very few gifts. But we all had enough food (the usual buffet of sausage, cheeses, crackers, and vegetables with dip) and enjoyed a relaxed day putting together a puzzle, reading, enjoying holiday music, and just being together.

Thanksgiving

As we await the time to serve our mission and are now "homeless", we are having some unexpected but welcome opportunities to spend time with family. For Thanksgiving, we drove to my sister, Gloria's home in California, taking my niece Cindy with us. More than the delicious meal, we really enjoyed the time with family. It's also a good thing that it seems we are more often spending time getting physical exercise as a social time to be together rather than just relying on food to be the main focus of socializing. After our big feast, we hiked up a large rocky area near the beach. Here is me, the oldest (and most in need of the exercise) followed by Gloria then Cindy.

This is the area on the California coast we got to walk along as we returned to the car.

 And the last photo is the lovely view of the sun setting which reminded Russ and me of the sunset we saw over the Mediterranean Sea in Tel Aviv.

The proverbial back-breaking straw...

Once again, my blog could be much more appealing, if anyone ever reads it, if I knew how to upload appropriate memes or cute photos. Ironically, this post is about the ability to take pictures and why it is significant.
This morning I was not sleeping well, which isn't really unusual. I had awakened at 3 am and my head was just aimlessly swimming around with an occasional focus on silent prayers. Sometime before 6 I suddenly realized I didn't know where our camera was. We will be driving to our daughter Angela's later this week to spend the holidays and will have the wonderful opportunity to be with her family as well as Victoria and kids. I want to be able to take our camera.
Lest you find my consternation trivial, let me explain. About 8 years ago, we left a house and neighborhood I totally loved, putting nearly all of our belongings in storage, and spent a year traveling to visit friends and family, including 3 months with our son in Lithuania. It was a great adventure but we grew weary of living out of our car and not having a stable life. We found a neglected old house in Dayton, OH which we determined could be restored to at least nearly its original grandeur (if you go click on old posts at the bottom of the page, you can connect WAAAAAY back to before and after pictures of all of our work). Our time in Ohio was filled with some good times and some very trying times and some very tragic times. When my father was diagnosed with cancer after my mother had fallen and was in a nursing home, my sisters and I agreed to take turns flying in and out to be with Dad while he underwent chemo to lengthen his life. There was no possibility of cure so we knew the end was coming. I spent a lot of time sorting through things trying to streamline belongings enough so that if ever Mom managed to recover, it would be easier to care for her at home. Instead of improving, she grew weaker until she could no longer stand. I had to return to Ohio (where Russ stayed in the house we had mostly finished) to do our income taxes. As things worked out, the time ended up being for me to sort through, organize, and pack the entire house in preparation for moving to AZ. My father died while I was gone. After a flight to AZ for his funeral, I returned to put things in storage, once again, and drive some of our things with Russ down to AZ. I spent the next several years continuing to sort, organize, dispose of, and eventually we returned to Ohio to empty the storage space and load a truck and move everything to AZ where we piled it in the living room. As I visited Mom every day, most days twice a day, until closer to the end when she slept more, I ended up opening boxes, sorting Mom and Dad's stuff, driving around the country a couple of times to deliver items to family who wanted them, and even filled a trailer and truck with needed items to furnish a household for our daughter who was separating from her husband and had only her clothes (we also drove up to Spokane with the load then to North Carolina to move her in). In the past couple of months, I have once again been sorting, organizing, and packing preparing for an estate sale to clear out Mom and Dad's home after she passed away. We are going on a mission for the LDS Church so, once again, we needed to put our belongings in a storage space. It's more complicated but I'm trying to give a condensed version to get to my main point as to why not knowing where our camera was caused me to start the day in tears.
Russ used to laugh at me because I could never decide whether to have vanilla or chocolate ice cream or a hamburger or cheeseburger or to bring a sweater or not. I have found making decisions to be quite stressful. Fortunately, I have matured a little to the point that I can make decisions a little more easily. But today I am relying on the generosity of others in a very comfortable home where I try to keep my belongings as unobtrusive as possible- not because of any expectation of others but because I am grateful for friends' hospitality and don't want to be any more bother than necessary. My family is the most important aspect of my life and my family photos have now been in a box since leaving Ohio in 2010. My belongings are not of major importance to me but stability and a feeling of home IS important to me. I don't have that and haven't had it for a long time now. I have been doing my best to hold it together despite the unavoidable stresses of my life. When I laid in bed thinking about packing the car to drive to Louisiana and had absolutely no idea where my camera was, I just couldn't deal with it. I started a real pity party. I am just so tired of sorting, packing, and trying to figure out what to do with stuff. After explaining my sorrow and frustration to Russ, we determined we would just have to spend some major time wading through the stuff we had crammed into the storage space looking in logical possible boxes until we found the camera....... or spend money to buy a smartphone since cameras are becoming extinct. (Try it- just go to a store and see if you can find a simple camera to purchase!) Another decision!
I grabbed my robe and went to take a shower. When I returned to the bedroom and went to hang the robe over the closet door where I keep it so I can quickly put it on since we are living with other people and I can't just go around without clothes on, there was the camera. I had hung it on the knob of the closet door when we moved all our stuff in here a couple of weeks ago and I hadn't seen it because it was under my robe. huh..... I rejoiced and gave thanks to a loving Heavenly Father that I could avoid yet another choice and some very frustrating time trying to find a piece of my life in the rubble. I hope I sleep better tonight.