I am slowly gaining a new perspective on life. I think it's possible to learn new things every day but sometimes we are in a position to gain new insights into just about everything we know or see. I expect I will live for another several decades. These days the average life expectancy is definitely higher here in the USA than my nearly 60 years. However, I do believe I'm more than halfway through mortality. I am focused here on watching for signs of imminent death. I have never had this experience. When my grandparents died, or other relatives, it was usually somewhat expected and I never was with any of them on a daily basis. When my son died, I had no warning. It was such a shock that, nearly 3 years later, I still feel somewhat numb. Seeing his still form in the casket was a stab straight to the heart. I am grateful to know that there is a God, His Son Jesus Christ died and was resurrected so that our mortal death would not mean the end. To be perfectly honest, I miss Ammon but I know that he didn't leave early because that was what he wanted to do. It actually hurt more when my daughter chose to leave our home early. She didn't die but she did, by her own choice, take away her presence from my every day life before I was ready to have her go on to other things in other places. I know I will see Ammon again and I know he misses me as I miss him. We really have no direct control over life and death, just over how we react to it.
I visit Mom in the care center every day. I see there people of various ages, many of them even younger than Mom, but all with bodies that are far from strong and healthy. I would much rather leave this life than to stay here with a broken body. I know I'm not alone in that feeling. When we are admonished in the scriptures to "endure to the end", I think of the men and women in wheelchairs or beds, having to always wait until some more able-bodied person comes to help them bathe, go to the bathroom, or sometimes even eat and drink. Then my gaze shifts to those more able-bodied persons who work with these people day after day, year after year. I see one of the aides shoveling gruel (some kind of soupy, warm cereal) into the mouth of an older woman who cannot talk coherently or move for herself yet her heart still beats and her lungs still bring in air. The aide chats with another aide who is doing similar work. They seem almost oblivious to the fact that these are human beings they are caring for. This is the job they have. Many of them seem to be at their intellectual limit in doing this custodial-type care. Some of them are very tender and kind to the patients they care for. There are so many patients, sometimes they have to be pretty abrupt in doing whatever needs to be done in order to get to the next person: changing a diaper on an 80-something year old woman, trying to straighten out a wheelchair traffic jam, getting a drink for someone who is unable to get it for themselves, repeating over and over the explanations of things like what day it is, why they can't do whatever it is they are asking to do, trying to determine what is real and what is imaginary. It's overwhelming.
I have chosen to follow Christ. I want to be like Him because I want to be able to spend eternity with Him, and Heavenly Father, in peace, love, harmony, and all that good stuff. I know there are beautiful experiences and sights here on the earth, but the sorrow, anger, frustrations, and sufferings are just unpleasant. Enduring to the end? Can I be patient with a broken bodied person who just never seems to be able to understand no matter how many times and ways I explain something? Can I be enduring if I am ever relegated to live out the remainder of my life with a broken body that simply cannot do the things that I would like to or even need to do? And for me, right now, today, can I be open to the whisperings of the Spirit enough to know when the end is near for a loved one so I can do all I can to help, comfort, and love through to the final departure? I just keep praying and taking a step at a time.