Being who you are

     Someone once told me that she enjoyed drinking alcohol because it helped her to relax so she could "have fun and not be self-conscious". I understand that removing inhibitions can be freeing. All my life I have heard of "happy" drunks and "angry" drunks- people whose inhibitions were removed and the "real person" was exposed-?? Recently I witnessed someone who had consumed enough wine to remove inhibitions about a personal experience she would not have normally talked about. It had been a frightening experience and brought up bad memories and feelings, resulting in (under the influence) telling things she later regretted having disclosed as well as causing an outburst of anger she also later regretted. The incident definitely had an impact on the group at the time, causing much sympathy and sorrow as well as consternation about how to relate to her. It caused me to reflect on whether "removing inhibitions" does more damage or good.
     Inhibitions are the self-imposed limits we use out of fear of exposing our inner self or fear of judgment by others. When we give in to enough fear of others, we end up never really being whoever we are- putting up a facade so no one can ever know the real person behind the mask. I knew someone like that. It caused me a great deal of sorrow when, after many years, she said, "I'm not who you think I am." I had not judged her in any negative way. In fact, I guess I believed good in her that she didn't even believe herself. It is often said that people will live up to or down to your expectations of them. I still believe great things of this person and she is slowly achieving the characteristics I believe in. The problem with over-use of inhibitions is that we end up being a very deceitful person; others don't have the opportunity to know us and often we haven't even figured out for ourselves who we really are. I remember being frustrated toward my dad. He was such a peaceful person who avoided contention that he would almost change personality and opinion to fit in with whoever he was with. My mother often commented that the only way she would sometimes be able to know things is by listening to him talk to other people. We all want others to like us, accept us, and want to be with us. However, it is not really healthy for relationships or for our own self-awareness to try to be a chameleon. Alcohol and drugs can artificially remove safety limits. (Recent public forums have opened up about previously hidden sexual practices causing all kinds of anger, hurt, and embarrassment.) We all make mistakes, but we make even more when we remove safety limits. True,  sometimes it is preferable to let sleeping dogs lie so to speak. If nothing is to be gained by dredging up hidden things, let them remain unspoken. If we are overly inhibited, using chemicals to remove our limits is not wise. It is healthier to acknowledge our fears and work to overcome them rationally step by step. If we have difficulty trusting others, we should start small by opening up to admit our honest opinions or flaws to at least one person we feel close to. Once we feel accepted for who we are, we can admit to having weaknesses or making mistakes then add any feelings of regret and desire to improve. Things not expressed don't disappear because we are trying to hide them. The effort expended to hide things about ourselves can have undesirable results: others determine we are deceptive, we forget who we told what lie to resulting in panic about what to say, we can even exaggerate in our own minds how faulty we are resulting in unnecessary self-loathing.
     Being open and honest does NOT require simply exposing all our warts. None of us is ALL bad. It's essential in healthy self-awareness as well as relationships with others to acknowledge who we are as well as who we want to be. I may say regrettable things when I am tired or ill but I need to later apologize and admit that I didn't want to be snippy or mean. I may be trying hard to be better but I can pat myself on the back for the progress I have made so far while at the same time accepting that I haven't gotten there yet. How many great artists would there be if people stopped when they made their first crude drawing or played their first scale? I have heard the advice to smile, even if you don't feel like it because by smiling you will eventually feel better. It's true, but only if we sincerely WANT to be pleasant and happy. If our desire is to be angry at the world or ourselves, it's important to recognize that and decide if that's the way we want to stay, or if we want to improve. The world can't be faulted for not really knowing us if we don't ever show our real selves. We also can't improve if we never recognize where we are now.