It hurts.

I have wondered what my life might have been like had I made very different choices. What if I had completed my education and chosen a career instead of getting married? What if Russ and I had decided to not try to have any more children after James and Angela? What if we had stayed in Dryden instead of moving around? What if I had been born in Japan and had to experience the recent earthquake and tsunami? What if I had been born in the Middle Ages and had to live through the Plague, in ignorance of the world around me? I am without a doubt greatly blessed. I have never known true hunger. I have never been without shelter or a comfortable bed (except by choice when camping!). I have never experienced war, or pestilence, or natural disasters in which I lost things important to me. But I have hurt. I hurt every day as I see my mother CHOOSE to not move. She has eliminated so many possibilities from her life and there is nothing I can do about it. I hurt whenever a loved one wants something different in their life but cannot seem to be motivated sufficiently to make necessary changes. I hurt every time a loved one is afraid or disappointed. I hurt every time I hear from one of my children and one of the grandchildren is sick or a spouse is going to be away for extended periods, especially if in harm's way. I am slowly comprehending the need for life to not just go along smoothly with everything working out exactly as we would want. We really do need opposition in order to grow. How does our loving Father in Heaven hear our constant cries, ache for us, know what's best for us even if we doubt, and withstand the pain of it? I struggle with the desire to rush to the side of someone I love when they are hurt, sick, or sad. I want to do everything in my power to alleviate their suffering. I know God loves us more than we can even comprehend. I am amazed that He allowed Jesus to suffer, even if He did know it was necessary. How do you have that kind of wisdom and self-control? How do you maintain a peaceful nature while witnessing the suffering of loved ones? How do you comfort, reassure, and encourage while staying back and letting the necessary growth and experience continue without interfering? I can appreciate the wisdom of doing it. I just can't understand how to endure the pain of doing it. Loving really hurts. But I think loneliness, never experiencing love, would be worse.

Hand-me-downs

I took a day last week to go through my dad's clothing, what was left of it. Awhile before he died, I went through his clothes with him and he got rid of most of it. He was realistic, for the most part, about what he was going to be using. He saved some work clothes because that was what he lived for, what was the highest priority for use of his energy. Some of his clothes went to the garbage because nobody would ever want to use such beat-up things. Lots of his clothes went to a thrift store. Of the clothes that were left after he died, most went to the thrift store. Some, Russ chose to have me alter so he could wear them- mostly work clothes. As I shortened shirt sleeves and pant legs, I thought about Russ's relationship to my father. Russ loved and admired Dad. For many years he worked with him doing building and remodeling. He learned a lot from him- about building and about life. Russ spent some time working for his own father years ago. I'm sure he learned some things from him, too. But Russ always felt much closer to my father than his own. That was probably because my father happened to be more pleasant to be with than Russ's own father. (My father was certainly not without faults. Growing up, I constantly resented his absence. He was always working or doing things for other people or community organizations. He was admired by many people for the good things he did but his children would all have liked more time with him.) I realized that Russ has inherited more hand-me-downs than the shirts and pants. He received basic philosophies of hard work, getting along with people, being affectionate especially to family, and as much patience/ can-do stick-to-itiveness as he was willing to adopt. They have all helped to make Russ a better person. We all learn from other people during our life. I have frequently reminded my kids and grandkids that the people they choose as "heroes" will influence what kind of person they become. As I have thought about and discussed people's memories of my father, I wonder what my eulogy will be like. How will I be remembered? It's always easy to pick out faults in others that we want to avoid. But in order to do that, we have to be truly honestly introspective enough to see whether we are guilty of the faults we notice in others. We also have to be pro-active in identifying what characteristics we want to develop. Then comes the really hard part- making those characteristics an everyday, natural, automatic part of our personality. Wistfully stating that we wish we were more patient, more ambitious, more reliable....... is pointless if we do nothing to adopt those features in our daily activities and conversation. Sometimes we may even need help. There is some wise saying from somebody that has to do with the best kind of friend being someone who helps you to be your best self when you're with them. That "friend" can be a member of your family or someone not related. God can help, too. Change is hard, though. We have to have a really strong, deep desire for it because it takes persistent effort, sometimes for a long time. I hope when I die, I can look back on my life with some degree of satisfaction that I truly made a good, continual effort.

Frustrations

I watched my mother for 10 minutes trying to pull a shoe off by leveraging her foot on the foot support of her wheelchair. She moves so slowly that sometimes you can't even tell she's moving at all. She swore a little, something she rarely does so it surprised me. She finally asked me in a very defeated voice to do it for her because she just couldn't do it. Lest you think me cruel, you need to understand that my mother is doing VERY little these days for herself. Her muscles all over her body continue to atrophy because she does nothing with them. The only hope for her to be able to do anything is for those around her to resist the impulse to help or perhaps even to refuse to help when she asks. That's really hard to do when you love someone and have a basic desire to help anyone and everyone. I am trying to understand better how to watch suffering, to varying degrees, have compassion, even express encouragement, but NOT TAKE AWAY, OR HELP WITH, THE SOURCE OF ANGUISH. It all seems so counter-productive. When you put it in simple terms like- if a baby is learning to walk and you pick them up and carry them every time they stumble or struggle or get tired, they will not get better at walking- you can grasp a little bit the necessity of "non-intervention". When I tell myself that the reason Mom can't come home, like she constantly expresses a hope for, is that she can't do anything for herself. She is not safe to care for here. There is no room for the power lift necessary to get her up and down from wheelchair, bed, toilet, shower seat, etc. I go around and around in my brain until it drives me crazy! I know the care center is not a pleasant place to live. There are varying degrees of mental confusion, belligerent personalities, broken minds and bodies there. It is discouraging and depressing. If I "had my druthers", Mom would work at building strength enough so she could at least assist in getting her up and down, in and out. I can help but I CAN'T DO IT FOR HER!! At this point, I can't even tell for sure what she really understands- what she realizes is reality, what she can fully grasp, what is her skewed view of things. I am so grateful to know that truth exists. I am grateful to know that, for most people, truth is discoverable. There are those whose brains have faulty connections and their world will always be a different one from what those around them see. But for most people on the earth, the absolute truth that exists can be found if one chooses to look for it. Other drivers on the road are NOT out to get anyone. They may be clueless, careless, even just plain bad drivers. But they are not purposely aiming to get in your way. That is the truth. Other people are not all trying to offend anyone. Other people have bad days when they may speak coldly or even with an angry edge to their voice. They may have their concentration on someone or something far away therefore not focused on you, even though you're right in front of them. But it's unlikely they have some kind of grudge against you and are trying to make your life miserable. That is the truth. Closer to "home", we are not bad people. Oh yes, I believe there ARE bad people in the world, but most people who feel guilty about being "bad" in some way, are not truly bad people. If you were truly "bad", you would not care that you are bad! We may be weak, lacking in experience or wisdom, tired, ill, or any one of a number of "less than perfect" things. But most people are sincerely trying to get through life doing as many good things as they happen to think of or notice need doing. That is the truth. Plants, animals, everything not human that is a part of this earth is created by God. They are all God's creations, but not His offspring. Only human beings are God's children with attributes and potential inherent in being His offspring. That is truth. As His children, God loves us and very much desires for us to WANT to be with Him forever. But He will not force us. If we love Him, we will choose to be with Him. He has to let us make that choice for ourselves. That is the truth. That choice is not one that we just make one day and it's over. We have to continue to choose all day every single day. It's called "enduring to the end". It has to be that way. We have to ensure just what we want to be, our basic character. Otherwise, it might just be a whim we choose at some particular moment of some random day. No matter what we see around us, what we hear, read, or experience- we have to make a choice and stick with it. Marriage is a choice that gets undone every day by divorce. A commitment is only a commitment if you choose it, and stick with it- FOREVER. That is the truth.

Dad

This isn't the most flattering photo ever taken of my father but it's accurate. He was 82 years old, had an injured hand, was standing on a ladder helping Russ and me install a sheet of sheetrock. He was doing what he most loved to do.

We had the memorial service for him last Friday in Sun City, AZ. The funeral home recorded it for the benefit of those who could not attend in person. (I can provide a link to anyone who requests it.) Dad died Tuesday, Feb. 22 after a little over a year battling with lung cancer. I guess even people who have never smoked can get it. My sisters and I have had the great blessing of spending time with him and with each other during that time. He would have been 85 in a couple of weeks and he and Mom were married 65 years ago as of this coming May, having stayed faithful through better and worse. They have taken care of each other. My father has really gone the extra mile these past couple of decades to take care of my mother as she got weaker and less able to do things for herself. Mom will miss him. Russ and I will stay near her as she stays in a nursing home, until she at last joins Dad with no more pain, weakness, or fear.

It's hard to not contemplate my own future. How old will I get to be? Will I lose mental or physical abilities? I hope above all else that I will be as pleasant as my father has been, no matter what happens.

Lotsa love

As I spend time with my parents near the end of their mortal journey, I am constantly amazed at how much our family loves each other. My father's siblings are all close, I am close with my siblings, and we are passing it on to the next generation and the next one after that. Here is James, our older son, with his younger brother's daughter.

Here is Angela, our older daughter, with James's daughter.
Here are James's kids with Angela's kids.

Here are James's kids with Ammon's kids.

They are all just too wonderful. I miss them so much when I am not with them, which is way too much of the time. Maybe we'll have more time together during the millenium.

Lot's wife

I guess blogs are getting to be a less poplular means of communication what with all the instant twittering and tweeting and stuff. I don't know whether what I have to say is of interest to many but I will continue to express myself as a way of venting feelings or organizing thoughts.
I was recently thinking about what my prayer priorities are- meaning my "short list" to Heavenly Father- the things I want most, then second, third, etc. I always tell Him that I want most for His will to be done because He's much wiser than I am plus He has the benefit of greater insight into what is in people's hearts and what will be happening next and why people have done what they have done in the past to get where we all are right now. Having put that in place, I tell Him that the thing I would want most and first is for Christ to come really soon (the "soon" being earthly time, not His time which is a thousand years for a day here!).
Second, if Christ isn't coming right away so we have to deal with the status quo of earth life, I would like my parents to not have to suffer much longer. Dad has already lived longer than the doctors thought he would and has been very pleasant about it all (in and out of the hospital, doctors' offices, having to force himself to take nourishment, etc). I know I will be reunited with him, so long as I remain true to what I know. I don't want my father to be stuck here with an ailing body just so I don't have to say goodbye. He has lived a good life and right now his life is not so good. The pain he has been having recently is the worst part. As for my mother, I see her slowly departing the reality of earth life. It's not immediately obvious when someone talks to her. She knows her name and where she is and what day it is. But she's worried about losing Dad and she's unhappy in the nursing home and can't hear or see very well to say nothing about being stuck in a wheelchair. They're both 84 and in this day and age, that's long enough to have experienced life and they have both done a lot of good things for lots of people. Also in this list of what I would like if the Second Coming isn't imminent, I want my daughter's house in Ohio to sell unless there's a really good reason they need to retain ownership of it. The financial burden is onerous to her and her family. They have diligently tried to get out of debt and this is not helping! I also would want our house to sell so Russ can join me here in Arizona, that is, unless there is a good reason why he should not join me here. I don't know what that might be but I have to leave the possibility open.
I have wandered from what I had initially wanted to say. As I thought about Christ returning and what will happen, I have had to realize that Christ said He knew that His message would not always unite people. "...so shall also the coming of the Son of man be. Then shall two be in the field; the one shall be taken, and the other left. Two women shall be grinding at the mill; the one shall be taken, and the other left. Watch therefore: for ye know not what hour your Lord doth come." So not everybody will go with the Lord, or stay with the Lord, however you want to look at it. Even the people closest to you may not stay where you stay. We each have to choose where we want to end up. As I thought about that, I realized that I know for sure that I want to be where there will be peace, love, joy, and good will toward all. As I picture myself going toward the Savior, I realized that I could not look back. I thought about Lot's wife. She looked back toward the city they were leaving, perhaps with a little longing in her heart for something or someone left behind. You simply can't be with the Lord if you aren't going with FULL heart and purpose. If you have a little doubt or longing for things of this world, you will not be fully happy with Him. He wants you to be fully happy so He will let you be where you most want to be. I wish I could not have to leave anyone I love but I have to be prepared to do that if necessary. I can't make the decision for ANYONE but me. All I can do is encourage those I love to make the same choice and be a good example to help lead others in that direction. I'm trying.

K-lines

When we arrive on the planet, we are basically driven by instincts with very little thought processes, as far as we know so far. I have been fascinated learning about how our brains work. "Thoughts" are simply electrical impulses moving through our brain tissue, connecting with paths that resulted from experiences and thoughts you have already had. A pathway is called a "k-line", the k being knowledge. The more times electrical impulses move on a pathway, the more established a path, kind of like wearing down a path through the grass, or a rut in a road. Hence, you could say that if you are stuck in a rut, your brain truly has a "rut" that your thought processes follow. I think it was Will Rogers that said, "If you find yourself in a hole, stop digging". The same could be said of a rut. If you want to get out of a rut, YOU have to stop using the same pathway. That's why addiction can only be overcome if a person deeply WANTS to overcome it. That's why we can't change our behavior unless we have such a strong desire that we actually stop the usual pathway of thought in our brains and find an alternate route. If all you do is yell "STOP IT" to yourself or even someone else, it won't be nearly as effective as offering an alternative. We are the ones who formulate the infrastructure in our brains that establishes who we are. If we see litter and think to our selves that it doesn't belong there and it's ugly we will be likely to pick it up and dispose of it properly as well as avoiding littering ourselves. However, if we don't allow the image into our brains or we immediately think "that's not mine" or "that's someone else's problem", we will simply walk on by. We establish a habit, a pattern of behavior. If we think to ourselves, "That's so hard. I'm too tired, too weak. I can't do it", then we won't be able to do whatever it is. If we think, "I am fat/ugly/ stupid/ untalented", absolutely no amount of praise or encouragement from any number of other people can change that k-line in our brain. We can choose to continue making the negative ruts deeper to arrive in a dead-end, or we can force ourselves to choose an alternate thought path to end up in a different place mentally. Only God knows how difficult it is for us to shift into a different pathway. But I do know that for every single person, it must start with sincere desire. (I guess that's what repentance is all about- not just an expression of regret or even an offer to make amends, but a deeply felt desire to be different.) We have to want something different (a more fit body, an improved talent, overcoming a weakness or temptation) badly enough to pay the price. The price is to GIVE UP the rutted path! We have to decide that the way we have been going is NOT the way we want to keep going because we don't like the idea of ending at the destination that path will take us. That could mean giving up self-loathing, overcoming fear, ignoring doubt or perceived condemnation from others, even changing our perspective of the "reality" we have created for ourselves. I don't recommend just following the crowd but I do think that sometimes other people might give us a clearer picture of what we think we're seeing, or at least open our minds to the possibility that we aren't seeing things accurately. I know someone who has convinced herself that she is less than what she should be even though she appears to everyone outside herself as a talented, beautiful, accomplished person. I know someone else who feels he cannot communicate with God because He doesn't love him or he's not worthy, despite countless scriptures and evidence to the contrary. I know someone who is slipping out of the real world because she is afraid of failure and lacks belief in her own potential. We can talk to loved ones, seek professional counseling, and even resort to prescribed chemicals to help us change our pathways. But nothing will work unless we WANT to change and stop justifying our position to ourselves and others. We are all alone in our responsibility to choose who we want to be. (I'm not talking about thinking ourselves taller or overcoming physical problems like blindness.) I am talking about choosing what talents we want to improve and share, believing in ourselves without constant apologies or excuses because we are afraid that other people think we should be something other than what we are. Fear is paralyzing. But we are the ones who CHOOSE to be afraid.