Mother's Day

Every Sunday , we wheel my mother home for church then to spend the day with us at home. Yesterday was Mother's Day and Mom spent the day at "her original home", as usual. (We have to call the care center her home now because she really would prefer being at this home but there just isn't any way we can manage it. She is very weak and heavy- like trying to deal with a 200 pound newborn. Since she has nothing major wrong with her, she may live for many years yet.) Happily, my niece, Cindy Nash, joined us for the afternoon. After a pleasant lunch, we spent the rest of the afternoon in front of the tv. But we weren't watching a show or movie. We were spending time with family members who live far away. You can see our happy faces. (I'm taking the picture so you can't see my face.)

From the back, you can see what we were looking at. We have been able to hook up our computer to the tv and, thanks to wireless internet and Skype, we can have video calls to loved ones and Mom can see them. (We enjoy getting to see the detail in such a big picture, too.) This particular call was with my brother in NY. Before this we spoke to my sister in PA. After this we spoke with my daughter in North Dakots, my sister in Alabama, my sister in California, my other daughter in Florida, and my daughter-in-law (Ammon's widow, now remarried to a great guy) in Ohio.
Sometimes I reflect on how ungrateful I have been at times in my life. There are so many millions of people living now and in the past who have suffered so much through mortal life. I have never experienced the fear, deprivations, and chaos of war. I have never experienced the devastation of a tornado or earthquake or flood or fire. I live in an age of miraculous medical technology where we can now avoid so many horrible illnesses that used to cripple and even kill people, especially children. I have always lived in a house where I was out of the rain and snow, could adjust the temperature to what was desired, and always had a comfortable place to sit or sleep. Except for a short time while building our "underground house", I have always enjoyed indoor plumbing. I have access to modern transportation and technology. When I miss them so much I can't stand it, I can get on an airplane or climb in a car and go to them. I complain about loved ones being far away but I can pick up a phone or hook up a computer and talk to them just as if they were in the same room! I am trying to be better at "counting my blessings". It seems so easy to pine away for something to be different but I know I can be happier when I consider all that I already have. If I am busy wishing I were somewhere else, I can't enjoy where I am. It's like always wishing it were tomorrow prevents my enjoying today. So I am going to try harder to remember to notice what I like where I am right now.

And the truth shall make you free.....

As I read Christ's words in John 8 today, I began to think about what ways truth can "make you free". I have always been grateful to live in a country and in an age of the world when we are not hemmed in by ignorance. It is so limiting when you don't know how anything works or what there is in the world. You may as well be stuck in a playpen like a little child. It's wonderful that I don't have to cower in fear if I break a mirror thinking that I will now have 7 years of bad luck. It's wonderful that I never had to watch my children suffer through various "ordinary" childhood problems like ear infections without antibiotics or high fevers without aspirin/acetominophen/ibuprofen or crippled feet without corrective surgery. It's wonderful that I don't fear people who look different from me, different skin color or eye shape or size. I am aware that there are people in the world who are very different from me in appearance as well as traditions and lifestyles, and that's okay. I don't have to be afraid when the sun or moon darkens because I have been taught about eclipses. When you have a greater understanding of how things work, you have a better idea what to expect and maybe even how to change something if it doesn't work. When Christ taught about truth making them free, there were many who had "ears but could not hear". They thought he was talking about slavery or a free government. There is a truth available to all human beings that too many people who have ears, don't hear. God exists. Jesus Christ was not just a nice man and a charismatic teacher. He wanted people to understand that if they could just learn about Him, His Father, and His plan of happiness, they could be free. We CAN be free- to hope despite the hopelessnes in the world, to be the kind of people we want to be despite environments or influences around us, to love others even if they may not show us much love. We can be free from fear despite crimes, terrorists, diseases, and natural disasters. The freedom and rest that is offered to us is not the lazy laying around on clouds, playing harps, and eating grapes that is often pictured. Those who have ears and really WANT to hear and understand can do so. Our Father in Heaven and our Savior want us to be free and they want us to have rest. The freedom and rest are not from labor, which is a wonderful way to feel validated in our very existence. When we serve other people, accomplish good things, clean up our yards and houses- we feel a sense of having justified whatever air we breathe or space we take up. The freedom and rest offered us is a deeper, more long-lasting state of happiness as we know we are loved. We know we have a Father who is far wiser than we are and has promised to share with us "all that He has". We won't need money because we won't need to buy anything. We won't need to be stingy or greedy because there will be nothing that is not available to us. We don't need to fear because He is aware of us and what we need. If He clothed the lilies of the field and fed the sparrows of the air, how much more will He give to us, His children. We don't need to fear because if Christ was able to suffer through incomprehensible suffering then give up His life and be resurrected, we can suffer our minor afflictions, thank Him for His gift, and go on in resurrection, too. Isn't it wonderful to be free?!

Family

Our recent whirlwind trip through many states included a stop near Houston, staying with Russ's brother and wife. We managed to get a picture of Russ with his mother and brother and sister. Families are still family even if we get together rarely and live miles apart. There is just a comfortable feeling being with people who could shut you out but usually you know they never would. I guess there are families in the world where members don't accept each other unconditionally and sometimes go for great lengths of time without communication, sometimes even to the grave. How sad.

The circumstance for me being with my sisters recently was not the happiest, but we still enjoyed being together. I am eternally grateful to have had the blessing of being a part of a loving, caring, helpful family through my earthly sojourn. I can only hope they will choose to be my family forever. The fact that I want them to be with me forever will not make it happen, though. Each individual has been given, by our Father in Heaven, the right and responsibility to choose where they want to spend eternity. If we choose to accept the incredible gift of Christ's atonement and have a desire to be like Him and follow all the celestial rules to be worthy of citizenship in His kingdom, we have the possibility of being with our loved ones forever. But that will only happen if each one of them makes the same choice and effort. I hope for that.

It hurts.

I have wondered what my life might have been like had I made very different choices. What if I had completed my education and chosen a career instead of getting married? What if Russ and I had decided to not try to have any more children after James and Angela? What if we had stayed in Dryden instead of moving around? What if I had been born in Japan and had to experience the recent earthquake and tsunami? What if I had been born in the Middle Ages and had to live through the Plague, in ignorance of the world around me? I am without a doubt greatly blessed. I have never known true hunger. I have never been without shelter or a comfortable bed (except by choice when camping!). I have never experienced war, or pestilence, or natural disasters in which I lost things important to me. But I have hurt. I hurt every day as I see my mother CHOOSE to not move. She has eliminated so many possibilities from her life and there is nothing I can do about it. I hurt whenever a loved one wants something different in their life but cannot seem to be motivated sufficiently to make necessary changes. I hurt every time a loved one is afraid or disappointed. I hurt every time I hear from one of my children and one of the grandchildren is sick or a spouse is going to be away for extended periods, especially if in harm's way. I am slowly comprehending the need for life to not just go along smoothly with everything working out exactly as we would want. We really do need opposition in order to grow. How does our loving Father in Heaven hear our constant cries, ache for us, know what's best for us even if we doubt, and withstand the pain of it? I struggle with the desire to rush to the side of someone I love when they are hurt, sick, or sad. I want to do everything in my power to alleviate their suffering. I know God loves us more than we can even comprehend. I am amazed that He allowed Jesus to suffer, even if He did know it was necessary. How do you have that kind of wisdom and self-control? How do you maintain a peaceful nature while witnessing the suffering of loved ones? How do you comfort, reassure, and encourage while staying back and letting the necessary growth and experience continue without interfering? I can appreciate the wisdom of doing it. I just can't understand how to endure the pain of doing it. Loving really hurts. But I think loneliness, never experiencing love, would be worse.

Hand-me-downs

I took a day last week to go through my dad's clothing, what was left of it. Awhile before he died, I went through his clothes with him and he got rid of most of it. He was realistic, for the most part, about what he was going to be using. He saved some work clothes because that was what he lived for, what was the highest priority for use of his energy. Some of his clothes went to the garbage because nobody would ever want to use such beat-up things. Lots of his clothes went to a thrift store. Of the clothes that were left after he died, most went to the thrift store. Some, Russ chose to have me alter so he could wear them- mostly work clothes. As I shortened shirt sleeves and pant legs, I thought about Russ's relationship to my father. Russ loved and admired Dad. For many years he worked with him doing building and remodeling. He learned a lot from him- about building and about life. Russ spent some time working for his own father years ago. I'm sure he learned some things from him, too. But Russ always felt much closer to my father than his own. That was probably because my father happened to be more pleasant to be with than Russ's own father. (My father was certainly not without faults. Growing up, I constantly resented his absence. He was always working or doing things for other people or community organizations. He was admired by many people for the good things he did but his children would all have liked more time with him.) I realized that Russ has inherited more hand-me-downs than the shirts and pants. He received basic philosophies of hard work, getting along with people, being affectionate especially to family, and as much patience/ can-do stick-to-itiveness as he was willing to adopt. They have all helped to make Russ a better person. We all learn from other people during our life. I have frequently reminded my kids and grandkids that the people they choose as "heroes" will influence what kind of person they become. As I have thought about and discussed people's memories of my father, I wonder what my eulogy will be like. How will I be remembered? It's always easy to pick out faults in others that we want to avoid. But in order to do that, we have to be truly honestly introspective enough to see whether we are guilty of the faults we notice in others. We also have to be pro-active in identifying what characteristics we want to develop. Then comes the really hard part- making those characteristics an everyday, natural, automatic part of our personality. Wistfully stating that we wish we were more patient, more ambitious, more reliable....... is pointless if we do nothing to adopt those features in our daily activities and conversation. Sometimes we may even need help. There is some wise saying from somebody that has to do with the best kind of friend being someone who helps you to be your best self when you're with them. That "friend" can be a member of your family or someone not related. God can help, too. Change is hard, though. We have to have a really strong, deep desire for it because it takes persistent effort, sometimes for a long time. I hope when I die, I can look back on my life with some degree of satisfaction that I truly made a good, continual effort.

Frustrations

I watched my mother for 10 minutes trying to pull a shoe off by leveraging her foot on the foot support of her wheelchair. She moves so slowly that sometimes you can't even tell she's moving at all. She swore a little, something she rarely does so it surprised me. She finally asked me in a very defeated voice to do it for her because she just couldn't do it. Lest you think me cruel, you need to understand that my mother is doing VERY little these days for herself. Her muscles all over her body continue to atrophy because she does nothing with them. The only hope for her to be able to do anything is for those around her to resist the impulse to help or perhaps even to refuse to help when she asks. That's really hard to do when you love someone and have a basic desire to help anyone and everyone. I am trying to understand better how to watch suffering, to varying degrees, have compassion, even express encouragement, but NOT TAKE AWAY, OR HELP WITH, THE SOURCE OF ANGUISH. It all seems so counter-productive. When you put it in simple terms like- if a baby is learning to walk and you pick them up and carry them every time they stumble or struggle or get tired, they will not get better at walking- you can grasp a little bit the necessity of "non-intervention". When I tell myself that the reason Mom can't come home, like she constantly expresses a hope for, is that she can't do anything for herself. She is not safe to care for here. There is no room for the power lift necessary to get her up and down from wheelchair, bed, toilet, shower seat, etc. I go around and around in my brain until it drives me crazy! I know the care center is not a pleasant place to live. There are varying degrees of mental confusion, belligerent personalities, broken minds and bodies there. It is discouraging and depressing. If I "had my druthers", Mom would work at building strength enough so she could at least assist in getting her up and down, in and out. I can help but I CAN'T DO IT FOR HER!! At this point, I can't even tell for sure what she really understands- what she realizes is reality, what she can fully grasp, what is her skewed view of things. I am so grateful to know that truth exists. I am grateful to know that, for most people, truth is discoverable. There are those whose brains have faulty connections and their world will always be a different one from what those around them see. But for most people on the earth, the absolute truth that exists can be found if one chooses to look for it. Other drivers on the road are NOT out to get anyone. They may be clueless, careless, even just plain bad drivers. But they are not purposely aiming to get in your way. That is the truth. Other people are not all trying to offend anyone. Other people have bad days when they may speak coldly or even with an angry edge to their voice. They may have their concentration on someone or something far away therefore not focused on you, even though you're right in front of them. But it's unlikely they have some kind of grudge against you and are trying to make your life miserable. That is the truth. Closer to "home", we are not bad people. Oh yes, I believe there ARE bad people in the world, but most people who feel guilty about being "bad" in some way, are not truly bad people. If you were truly "bad", you would not care that you are bad! We may be weak, lacking in experience or wisdom, tired, ill, or any one of a number of "less than perfect" things. But most people are sincerely trying to get through life doing as many good things as they happen to think of or notice need doing. That is the truth. Plants, animals, everything not human that is a part of this earth is created by God. They are all God's creations, but not His offspring. Only human beings are God's children with attributes and potential inherent in being His offspring. That is truth. As His children, God loves us and very much desires for us to WANT to be with Him forever. But He will not force us. If we love Him, we will choose to be with Him. He has to let us make that choice for ourselves. That is the truth. That choice is not one that we just make one day and it's over. We have to continue to choose all day every single day. It's called "enduring to the end". It has to be that way. We have to ensure just what we want to be, our basic character. Otherwise, it might just be a whim we choose at some particular moment of some random day. No matter what we see around us, what we hear, read, or experience- we have to make a choice and stick with it. Marriage is a choice that gets undone every day by divorce. A commitment is only a commitment if you choose it, and stick with it- FOREVER. That is the truth.

Dad

This isn't the most flattering photo ever taken of my father but it's accurate. He was 82 years old, had an injured hand, was standing on a ladder helping Russ and me install a sheet of sheetrock. He was doing what he most loved to do.

We had the memorial service for him last Friday in Sun City, AZ. The funeral home recorded it for the benefit of those who could not attend in person. (I can provide a link to anyone who requests it.) Dad died Tuesday, Feb. 22 after a little over a year battling with lung cancer. I guess even people who have never smoked can get it. My sisters and I have had the great blessing of spending time with him and with each other during that time. He would have been 85 in a couple of weeks and he and Mom were married 65 years ago as of this coming May, having stayed faithful through better and worse. They have taken care of each other. My father has really gone the extra mile these past couple of decades to take care of my mother as she got weaker and less able to do things for herself. Mom will miss him. Russ and I will stay near her as she stays in a nursing home, until she at last joins Dad with no more pain, weakness, or fear.

It's hard to not contemplate my own future. How old will I get to be? Will I lose mental or physical abilities? I hope above all else that I will be as pleasant as my father has been, no matter what happens.