I don't really know why I'm writing this post. I guess it's just to air out troubled thoughts. I am sad to the point of despair over the whole same-gender marriage issue with the attached transgender complexity. I have been open about my belief in God. I know there are millions of people all over the world that claim a similar belief even though they may embrace different concepts about His nature and His "opinions". I go back to the Bible (not the multiple translations and picked apart details- just the basic principles presented by Moses and forward). God created the earth and everything on it. (I know there are many who espouse accidental evolution as a way of avoiding what they consider mysticism or vague, inexplicable pre-historic events.) God knew that for mankind to "multiply and replenish the earth", there needed to be male and female. It's not just about who any one of His billions of children might be comfortable with or relate well to. It's about reproduction. It's about the benefits of bonding between two basically different genders to offer a balance in raising babies resulting in their combined traits. Trying to mold the opinions of the world to fit a minority of difficulties causes mass confusion. God does not want us to hate anyone. He has told us quite plainly that we are to love everyone no matter what. However, He does expect us to pay attention to His principles and guidelines in order for things to work out well, according to a greater wisdom than any of His children possess. He made Adam then as a companion made Eve.
     I have always been a physically affectionate person. I love to hug, hold hands, stroke backs or arms, or kiss people and especially to cuddle children. I now wonder if I hold on too long to another female, will I be interpreted as lesbian? It doesn't matter if someone is "in favor" of that form of physical expression or not. By definition, being homosexual means having a desire for SEXUAL expression in a relationship with a person of the same gender. I don't want to get too gross here by going into how same-gender sexual stimulation occurs but I have to wonder if some outwardly "accepting" people have really considered what it means to be in favor of same-gender marriage? Children going through puberty have a difficult time as it is figuring out how to respond to changes and urges in their physical bodies. Now society is making it even more complicated. If they feel a rush of affection for their "best friend", they have to analyze if maybe they are homosexual or bisexual. What does that mean anyway? Wanting to achieve sexual stimulation and pleasure with just about ANYBODY?!  If a little boy likes to play with dolls, parents have to worry about whether to accept him as gay when the poor kid doesn't even know what that means! If a young girl acts in ways we used to call "tom-boy" (liking physical sports and dressing in non-feminine clothes), is it a given that she will never marry a male or maybe will be relegated to being labeled as "denying her real self" if she does marry a male? There are so many people who think this whole "coming out" issue is going to make the world happier. Right now I want to put myself on public notice that this is NOT going to improve anything. Society is on a downward spiral morally. As we try harder to be compassionate and understanding in political correctness, we remove any standards at all. Anything goes and it will go. I know God warned us of a time when evil would be called good and good called evil. We're here. I just pray that I can avoid getting lost in despair. I just want to be kind and loving and follow the example of Jesus Christ. He was patient and kind but He let it be known when people did wrong. He overturned the tables of the money-changers in the temple and chastised the Sadducees and Pharisees. He did so many acts of charity and taught about living high moral standards. He ultimately paid in blood, suffering, and His mortal life so we could make our own choices. How can He stand watching us justify our flawed reasoning and warping His teachings? I just pray fervently for the strength to endure to the end- of my life or this world, whichever comes first.

Accepting myself

     "I am what I am" as Popeye was fond of saying, although that doesn't come out quite the same written down. You'll just have to imagine it in Popeye's voice. In my life I have been known to make the mistake of comparing myself to others, usually detrimentally to my self-image. I always wished I could be delicate and petite but never have been. Recently I saw a woman whose hips measure 99 inches and I realized I have been blessed with a sturdy body but not unusually so. I thought all cosmetic surgery was vain and would never spend the money, but a year or so ago, I had my eyelids "done". (I posted pictures if you go back through old posts.) The lids were just so heavy I had to constantly raise my eyebrows to be able to see well. My front teeth, tops and bottoms, don't come together. When I eat certain foods, it can be embarrassing to not be able to properly bite off pieces. I have to either use my side teeth or my tongue against my upper teeth and tear pieces off. Or I cut it up into small pieces. As I age, I get more weird issues with my skin- the expected sagging and wrinkles but also growths called skin tags in totally random places! I feel like a witch with warts! I try to exercise to keep my weight from going TOO high. I try to keep my hair fairly neat and dress maybe not the highest fashion but at least clean and pleasant. I'm grateful to be at a point in my life when the outward flaws are not such a priority for me. I hope not to disgust people who look at me but I don't worry so much about achieving  anything like a "wow" reaction.
     My body may be deteriorating but I'm hoping my efforts to improve my inner characteristics are gaining. After all, I won't be dealing with this physical condition eternally but I will be, on the other side of the veil we call death, the same person inside. I want to be the kind of person who makes others feel comfortable, loved, and encouraged. I don't want to be someone who saps the strength of others by needing constant praise. I don't have many of the talents I see in others but I realize that most other people don't have all the talents of everyone around them, either. I am appreciating more and more how wonderful it is to be able to see and appreciate talents in others without feeling somehow inferior. I pity those who resent the success or talents of others. It only makes them smaller to scorn a person who has managed to master a skill or worked hard to excel. When I finally reach the end of my mortal life ready to depart from my skin, I hope I have reached feeling comfortable in it. I hope to minimize my inhibitions about my appearance to the point that I don't feel the need to "hide". I hope to be happy and outgoing enough to firmly but peacefully withstand any gale of negative outbursts from even people I love most. I hope to be able to witness another's suffering while able to speak words of comfort and encouragement or even just hold their hand rather than need to walk away because I can't stand the seeing the pain especially when I know I can't make it go away. I hope to be have faith, in myself as well as God, strong and steady enough that I will not be swayed by any doubts or criticism of others. I hope to gain all of these abilities and share what I learn with others. Eternity just might be long enough to do that.

Work in the temple

     I thought it might be interesting to try to describe exactly what goes on in our temple here. LDS temple work is pretty much the same all over the world in about 145 temples currently open. Because of differing circumstances and building size and configuration, the procedures for accomplishing things like baptisms for the deceased, blessings, marriages for eternity, and sealing children to parents for eternity may be slightly varied. Here there are two shifts of temple workers each day running from around 6am-2pm and 2pm-10pm. Even though Nauvoo is considered one of the LDS Church's "smaller" temples, it gets very busy in the summer months because of the historic significance of this area to Church members. There are a number of members living in the area who volunteer time to serve in the temple, some more than once a week and some only once a month. The number of "tourists" who come here and flood the temple justifies having the church send about 50 missionary couples for the spring-summer part of the year and fewer during the rest of the year when tourism drops off. People do not come to the temple to get a tour to see inside. It is a religious building devoted to sacred work which can be done by any worthy Latter Day Saint, all of whom are lovingly welcomed into the temple. Each shift comprises about 35 women and 35 men, not including the temple presidency, recorders, laundry staff, security,office staff, or engineers (like Russ). The only personnel who are paid, working year-round fulltime, are one office secretary, a couple of groundskeepers, a handful of laundry workers, 3 engineers (3 are missionaries like Russ), and a couple of custodial staff. All of these people have a support crew of volunteers, either fulltime missionaries or local members. Every night a team of local members from a different church unit in the temple district comes into the temple to clean.
     As for temple missionaries, you will find us throughout our shifts doing all sorts of things: refilling toilet paper or paper towels in the rest rooms, greeting and guiding people who come to the temple, performing ordinances for "patrons", serving as coordinators to assign workers and try to keep things running smoothly, folding towels and other things in the laundry, answering phones to take reservations or answer questions in the office, recording sacred ordinances that are performed, renting special clothing to those who did not bring their own, and sometimes we take the opportunity to act as patrons for several reasons: to do our own family members's work or because there are few people in the temple at a particular time or just to help fellows workers have practice performing ordinances. Most of us rotate our tasks every hour, going from arriving on the first floor, going up to the 4th floor to dress, back down to the first floor, or 2nd floor, or 3rd floor then maybe to the laundry or baptistry in the basement level, up and down and all around all day long.

  This isn't the most flattering picture I have ever had taken but my only purpose is to show you what I look like all day every day. I'm only lacking my name tag which I left in the temple on my outfit I wore there today. All temple workers wear white- even custodial workers, laundry workers, and engineers (like Russ), all purchased on our own (although I only bought a slip and two pairs of shoes because I had so many generous people in Sun City help by giving me or buying me temple clothes). We can purchase some clothing through the church and there are some stores that cater to LDS members for temple attire or we can just find white clothes wherever. The only requirement is that they be modest and ALL white, including footwear. White is a symbol of purity and when we work in the Lord's house, we strive to be pure in thought and definitely in word and deed! Actually, we strive for that whether we are in the temple or out, it's just more important IN the temple. We speak in hushed, reverent tones, which can sometimes be difficult for the hard of hearing! Sometimes when we are short-staffed due to illness or other reasons workers may be absent, we have to scurry around covering task positions. I am so grateful that I am finally getting more confident in my knowledge and abilities so I can serve wherever I am needed. Today it felt like we were having a Chinese fire drill in the temple all day- reverently, of course. I should sleep well tonight.

Attitude is everything

     I am so grateful for people with good attitudes. We all have aches and pains. We all have challenges and sorrows and frustrations. There are people who deal with all those things and manage to not lash out at others or finding blames or whining and complaining. It's not that we can't ever share our bad times with others. After all, we have made covenants to mourn with those that mourn and we can only do that if we know someone else is mourning. But attitude really is EVERYTHING. When you work alongside someone who will pull their share of the load without weighing whether your load may be an ounce less than theirs, you can just focus on doing all you can to get the job done. When you work alongside someone who doesn't try to compete for attention (Look at all I'm doing! Aren't you impressed? Look at me! Look at me!) you can feel comfortable that they will just do their best to get the job done, not focusing on how much recognition they're getting. When you work alongside someone who tries to be positive, you don't have the added burden of trying to cheer them up or urge them on when you're having to do as much as they are but furnishing your own cheerleaders. When you work alongside someone who looks for alternatives when something doesn't quite work out right away, you don't feel the burden of having to find a solution for everything yourself. You can share the load. When you work alongside someone who doesn't have a need to assign blame you can just do your best and not feel anguish about being at fault if things don't go as quickly or as well as hoped. When you work alongside someone who believes in you and trusts you because they are capable of believing in and trusting others, you can just boldly go forward without doubting yourself and wondering what it will take to "prove" yourself to them. When you work alongside someone who believes in and trusts God, you know that the two of you are not alone or limited in your ability and knowledge. With God all things are possible to those who believe.

Obedience and freedom/agency

     Most of us humans are fairly self-directed. We tend to do what we want when we want and are likely to bristle when told by someone else what to do. This is not a totally bad thing. We need a certain amount of independence just to survive. We often admire people who are self-sufficient or self-motivated. They take care of themselves without being a "burden" to others. It's awe-inspiring to see innovative ideas and tenacity to succeed despite obstacles. From the moment we cheer a toddler's first steps, we generally applaud other people's abilities to make their own path in the world. As in the case of all good things, there can be a down side. People can be independent and self-willed to the point they are difficult to get along with. They are undesirable to have on a team because they can't compromise or listen to others' ideas or wishes. They can be difficult to teach new things because they think they already know all they need to know or are capable of being able to figure it out for themselves. They have difficulty comprehending motives, concepts, or ways of doing things that are very different from their own.
     Obedience is generally thought of as the "opposite" of freedom. To be obedient implies there is someone superior to you in some way and they demand something of you. The most obvious examples of justified obedience are explained by parents who tell their children to avoid walking into traffic or touching a hot surface like a stove or curling iron. I think another example of justified obedience is traffic laws. Without adherence to stop signals, speed regulations, and other similar laws, our highways would be a mass of mangled metal and bodies. On the other hand, we witnessed few traffic controls in Egypt when we were there and saw no accidents even in high traffic areas. Of course the contortions of traffic lanes prevented gaining any speed or sudden movements of any kind. I also think about animals- specifically those who work with people: dogs, horses, elephants, etc. It certainly works better when the animal is well-trained and obedient. A disobedient dog could never be used by the military or police force or even as an assistance dog. Yet, an assistance dog needs to have some idea of priorities. For example, if a dog leading a blind person were to be told firmly to go ahead when there is a hazard in the way the blind person can't see, the dog needs to either refuse to go forward or insist on going around. In that case, the blind person needs to trust the dog's judgement. So, how much obedience is really good to expect of ourselves or others? You might say, enough to avoid danger. What if we lack the "sight" to know there is danger? As a parent, I wanted so badly to prevent my children from having sex at early ages because of all the possible dangers: unwanted pregnancy, disease, emotional upheavals immaturity can't handle, etc. Teenagers are old enough to be trying out independence from parents but not yet mature enough to have the wisdom necessary to avoid dangers. If friends tell them something is "fun", they often go along without comprehending the potential dangers.
     To me, the ultimate solution involves trust which is gained through exposure and familiarity. Because children are trying out their independence, they decide to doubt their parents as they bristle against the "restrictive" rules. Even the best of parents can't prevent this rebellion. Occasionally there will be a young person who has developed enough wisdom of their own and trust in good parents that they manage to avoid most serious problems, but that is all too rare. The same is true of God's children. Despite the writings of people through thousands of years and the examples or testimonies of people living now, too many people refuse to accept God's existence or wisdom. God wants us to gain experience. That's why we're here. But just like any good parent, He would certainly prefer we avoid pitfalls as much as possible and seek His counsel at least occasionally. People look around at crime and wars and question how God could "allow" it. Some people have looked at young pregnant teenagers and asked how her parents could have "allowed" it to happen. God does not create wars or rape or so many of the griefs of life He gets blamed for. He does "allow" some unpleasant things in order to allow His children to make their own choices. He also allows some unpleasant disasters like floods, earthquakes, hurricanes, tsunamis, because they are a natural result of the natural earth. Plus He sometimes tries to get His children's attention. Just like when a kid doesn't listen to parents until they get yelled at and threatened, God's children often ignore Him until they are desperate and have no other recourse. Sometimes I have thought a good forest fire or tornado or even plague would help soften hearts of those I love who just stubbornly insist they have a "better idea" than God's so they don't need Him. I don't really want to wish disaster on anyone, especially those I love. On the other hand, I wish they would hurry up and gain more wisdom so they would trust God and be obedient to Him in order to avoid eternal unhappiness and help me learn, too. It's a good thing I'm not omnipotent yet. I need to have LOTS more wisdom before I can be trusted to rule a world. Patience is probably one of the hardest things to gain.

Outstanding young people!

     I first heard of the BYU Young Ambassadors many years ago but never actually got to see them perform. They're similar to the Vienna Boys Choir in that they go on year after year but the members change. They are here in Nauvoo for 2 weeks and we have watched one of their 2 different shows and heard them bear testimonies through words and music at a fireside. It was interesting to find out they were founded 45 years ago at the request of the U.S. Dept. of Defense who asked BYU to organize a group to represent our country at Expo '70 in Osaka, Japan. Since then they have continued to perform in over 60 countries so far, most recently in China and Southest Asian countries, next year in South Africa. Hence the title "Ambassadors".There are 10 band members, 8 technicians for sound and lighting in addition to the 20 singer/dancers here. They are produced by the School of Music in the College of Fine Arts and Communications at BYU in Provo, Utah. If you're curious about them, you can go to either:
youngambassadors.byu.edu  or www.youtube.com/user/BYUYoungAmbassadors   to see and hear.
     At the fireside at church we learned that at least one young woman served a mission here previously and at least 3 have been here as young performing missionaries (YPM). One young man that was a YPM here returned the following 2 years as a choreographer and now is here in the Young Ambassadors. Incredibly talented as they are, they are enthusiastic, faithful, sincere, humble, REAL people. They all help set up equipment, while here they will be doing at least one major service project and have all spent time doing temple work. They work hard to stay in shape so they can dance energetically while singing with attached cordless microphones and, amazingly enough, you never hear anyone panting! They are NOT all model-perfect by the world's standards but they are sweet and beautiful. (Lisa, this is one statistic I noted just for you if you ever read this blog..) There are only 2 blonde males and one blonde female and 7 of them wear glasses- although not always when performing and doing cartwheels, lifts, etc. During the fireside, interspersed with heartfelt simple songs using incredible harmony, we learned that one young woman lost her mother at 17 and struggled with bitterness over it, one drifted in her faith for a while, but they all have a strong testimony of the love of the Savior for all mankind. They smiled, cried, and gave their all.
     Our Father in Heaven has given every single one of his children at least one gift or talent. They aren't all musical. Some gifts are artistic, some are organizational, some are like courage or instinctive compassion or inventiveness but EVERYBODY has at least one. Jesus spoke in a parable about talents and what we are expected to do with them. I am grateful for talents I have been given and I try to share and expand whatever I can to help others. My parents were very service-oriented and I have tried to carry it on as a heritage. My children are all headed in that direction, too. I hope my grandchildren will all be as well. We can't change the whole world but we can do a little bit to make the little spot around us a little brighter.

The "Spirit of Nauvoo"

     Russ and I attended an evening show put on by the senior site missionaries and the young performing missionaries last night followed by an amazing performance by the BYU Young Ambassadors (we're going to hear from them tonight so I intend to do a blog on them later). Then this morning we attended church here at the stake center. Usually we go to a ward over 2 hours away but due to timing and activities, we excused ourselves from teaching our little class there for today and stayed here. The congregation here was made up of nearly all missionaries for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints thereby all having temple recommends.
     In case there is anyone reading this who is not LDS, a temple recommend is a piece of paper that declares you have been interviewed by 2 priesthood leaders and proclaim yourself faithful to the best of your knowledge and abilities to the Lord and His commandments. Because temples are Houses of the Lord, and labelled as such, and God cannot dwell in unclean places, it's essential that only those who are sincere in living a clean life enter there. Nobody is perfect but all who enter a temple should be as pure in heart as they can be. Repentance and the Savior's atonement do the part we aren't yet capable of.
     So, as I was sitting in this meeting at church and thinking about how good it felt to be with these people, I reflected on what is commonly called the "spirit of Nauvoo" and why it is that so many people feel different when they are here. The bottom line is obedience. This is not blind obedience following a charismatic leader or out of fear of punishment. This is willing submission, whether we fully understand all principles involved or not, to God. I understand that radical Islamists claim that same thing as they strap bombs to themselves and blow up "infidels". I understand the group who followed Jim Jones years ago and drank poison kool-aid had the same reasoning. Nazis followed Hitler, and on and on. So what is the difference? Why is it that there is not a police force or army needed here to ensure everyone does what they're supposed to? Why a feeling of peace and love rather than just zeal or coercion? It all depends on who you're being obedient to. So how do you know who to be obedient to? This group of people- farmers, professors, scientist, lawyers, business managers, computer technologists, housewives, retired fireman, college students- all have decided to follow what a man named Joseph Smith claimed to be the truth from God. Jesus taught that you could determine who was His follower by their actions- "By their fruits ye may know them". You can't always determine a belief system by its followers because everyone is at a different level in their progression. So, you need to examine those who are chosen as leaders because they are usually further along in their understanding and practices. (However, there are still possible exceptions even among leaders because we are all weak, subject to temptation, and have agency to make our own choices.) So, there is really no way to know for sure unless you study the teachings- the claims of proper principles. You have the choice to follow whoever and whatever you decide represents what you see as the ideal. You may find the "rules" difficult but if they represent to you an ideal, you can decide to strive to follow them. That is what we find here in Nauvoo. Nationality is a man-made label. Career choice is also a man-made differentiation. God is only interested in what is in your heart. He has established guidelines to help us in our ignorance to determine appropriate behavior. Even if it's difficult, it's still the ideal. He doesn't want us subject to addiction so He suggests avoiding that possibility by not smoking, drinking, eating excessively, or having sex outside of a committed documented marriage. He doesn't want us to hurt each other so He tells us not to lie or cheat or steal or murder or rape, etc. He is saddened when we choose to do any of those things anyway, but He rarely stops anyone. We go ahead and use our intelligence, talents, and abilities to do whatever we choose to do, even when it hurts others and/or ourselves. We need to learn and if we don't take the time or make the effort to study correct principles, we need to learn by trial and error which is usually by pain.
     Early members of the LDS Church were given a way to live called consecration and stewardship but, like the children of Israel who couldn't handle the first laws God gave Moses, they weren't developed enough in their understanding of and ability to obey correct principles. We haven't yet reached a point where we can live as God lives. That doesn't mean it's not the ideal or that we shouldn't strive for it. Jesus Christ has promised that He will return and this time it will be to rule and reign, not as a humble baby in a rough stable in the Middle East. If we are going to be able to tolerate living His way, we need to start working toward it NOW.