Leadership/parenting styles

     There are as many opinions and styles of leadership as there are people, despite the availability of classes,lectures and books with recommendations on the most effective methods. The disparity of results can be dramatic ranging from total failure to success of individuals as well as entire organizations. A person can be placed in the position of a leader by various circumstances: through deserved promotion due to individual effort, through happenstance (birthright or lack of anyone else to do the job), or decision to bear and raise children. I have been considering just 3 styles from my life observances: dictators, enablers, and teachers. It's possible to use any or all three styles combined. There are advantages and disadvantages for each.
     Dictator- This term most likely evokes memories of tyrannical leaders through history who ruled by creating fear in their citizens. The goal was to create and maintain the leader's version of order by sheer force. It was often successful in pulling together a war-prone, divided country. As a leader or parent, this style utilizes very little input from others and demands obedience with threat of punishment. (Shut up and do as I say!) Many parents resort to using this when faced with a tantrum-throwing toddler who does not understand anything much beyond his own self-centered wishes. Otherwise, when this style is used on adults, or even older children, there may be results that the leader is striving for but it's likely to be at the cost of resentment, even hatred, toward the leader. I'm sure a psychologist could identify, in the children or organization members of such a leader, all kinds of problems from not learning or daring to think for themselves to developing manipulative or sneaky tactics to appear obedient in order to avoid punishment. So order may be achieved, but in the ultimate sense, there will not be unity nor strength of character in individuals other than possibly learning to be dictators themselves.
     Enabler- This style appears at first glance to be much kinder than the dictator. The main goal of this leader is to be loved or preferred. Politicians often perform in this manner. Parents use this style to avoid battling their children. (Whatever you want to do, honey....) Leaders are needed and looked to for guidance. Although organization members/children need to learn to think for themselves, they often lack sufficient knowledge or experience to make wise decisions. The enabler opts out of offering opinions and encourages whims in others as well as excusing it in themselves. They will give an answer or guidance depending on their mood and circumstances. (I'm too tired to clean that up right now so I don't feel like it. I won't make you do it either.) Under this style, weakness of character ultimately results. People or children do not learn to use wisdom to think things through or strength to do whatever needs doing despite how you may feel at the moment. Praise from such a leader becomes less than meaningful as followers come to realize they will be complimented whatever they do because the leader doesn't really care beyond everyone being happy..... Nobody really succeeds.
     Teacher- In case you haven't guessed, this is my personal favorite. I think anyone who considers themselves a teacher, first and foremost, is likely to be the most effective leader. When the goal is not to look impressive, not to maintain outward order, not to be "the favorite", but, more importantly, to work themselves out of a job by encouraging strength and wisdom in others so they could take over as leaders any time. These teachers love their constituents because they respect and value them. As a result, most others will feel the same way toward the teacher. They can be depended upon ALWAYS because they don't resort to whims. Others can anticipate the reaction of the teacher simply by applying logic and love. Teachers recognize that their example is always evident to others and strives for the good of the entire community, not just themselves. They don't just demand others do a job, they step in and show and teach and encourage. They don't just threaten punishment. They reason out purpose and consequences, including applying fair consequences recognizing the importance of learning even when uncomfortable.
     Although I see these various methods, I can't say I'm the best at utilizing the most appropriate in every instance. I prefer to see myself as a teacher but sometimes I am grumpy and act more like a dictator or tired/discouraged and act more like an enabler. I just need to continue to strive to improve.

He who hesitates is lost

     When I was young and in school physical education classes, we had what were called the President's fitness requirements. We were tested with things like push-ups, squat thrusts, and agility sidesteps- all fairly basic movements to encourage us to be physically fit.
    Prophets have been helping with the Lord's work which, by His own definition, is "to bring to pass the immortality and eternal life of man". We have had the writings and admonitions of the Lord's spokesmen for centuries. We have had commandments to follow and ordinances to perform. The Lord has promised that when He comes we will know Him, because we will be like Him. Prophets have challenged, " Have you received His image in your countenance?" From the Ten Commandments until now, we have been given exercises to do in reaching for the perfection He has commanded- "Be ye therefore perfect even as your Father in heaven is perfect." When the Lord comes to rule and reign, He will be assigning work, just as He did to His apostles during His mortal ministry. We are warned by prophets, "Do not procrastinate the day of your repentance until it is everlasting too late." That is not simply a warning to not steal, lie, commit murder or adultery. Repentance is change- improvement toward being like our Savior.
     Those who prepare for the Olympics or as part of a team, the cast for a play or a member of an orchestra for a concert EACH need to prepare individually. Any team is only as good as its members. Each member has a personal responsibility to work at perfecting their talents or skills. Simply doing push-ups or sprints or squats is not going to make a winning sports team. Vocalizing or reading over the script will not produce a great performance of a play. Playing scales or polishing an instrument will not result in an excellent concert.
     Christians (especially Latter Day Saints for, from whom much is given, much is expected) need to be valiant in their obedience, knowledgeable in their relationship with God and His Only Begotten Son, and peaceful in their demeanor. For us, training involves reading the words of prophets- not just to memorize lines or know stories but to truly study to understand deeper meanings. The Mortal Messiah taught in parables so that those who sincerely wanted to hear Him would be the only ones who made the effort to understand, but then were accountable for what they understood. We need to pray constantly. Prophets have told us to pray in our beds, in our closets, in public and in private. "Pray always." Nobody can train us better than God. Through the Holy Spirit, we can learn, be guided, comforted, and be strengthened. Prayer is not just a list of requests but opening a line of communication with God- speaking AND listening. We need to stand in holy places which means attending church meetings- ALL of them, not just the ones we find most convenient, fun or interesting. We need to participate in those meetings by paying attention to the words spoken, the hymns sung, and the promptings of the Spirit we may receive. We need to enter the temples to receive ordinances over and over again for the benefit of our kindred dead and for our progression toward perfection. We need to make our homes holy places by being holy inhabitants.
     I was made clearly aware that the Lord is hastening His work while I worked in the Nauvoo temple. I have seen the gospel reaching into places never before thought possible, especially in work for the dead but also in opening doors for spreading the gospel in places long closed. Those are two of the primary tasks the Church has been given- to redeem the dead and preach the gospel. The third task is to perfect the Saints- those who choose to be on the Lord's team. For many years there have been multiple manuals issued from Church headquarters clearly explaining what to teach and how to do it. We used to have Family Home Evening manuals, Sunday School manuals, Relief Society and Priesthood manuals for teaching lessons, and lots of books! Recent changes are not simply going from paper to digital- they are to do away with specific, simple explanations and force us to rely on our OWN spirituality, get out of our comfort zones and gain confidence in the Lord's ability to use even the weakest of us. When we teach a class or visit and home teach or have family home evenings we are to ask our Father in Heaven what He would have us say, then listen and obey. The Lord is preparing His team to work with Him in governing the earth during the Millenium. Does that sound far-fetched to you? Pray about it. We all have a choice whose team we want to be on and there is NO neutral corner.

More thoughts on the female sex object thing......

     I have been talking with many of the most important women in my life, discussing the politics and morals of sexual relations. I have thought about the European nations where prostitutes are legal and quite publicly displayed. They have regular medical check-ups to avoid STD's and they are given birth control to avoid unwanted pregnancies. I listened to a BBC broadcast where a woman in Bangladesh was interviewed. Unlike Europe, the "sex workers" there are mostly poor women who struggle to feed themselves, much less the inevitable babies born due to lack of birth control. (This woman, out of desperation and starvation, began allowing men to use her body to satisfy their physical lust at the tender age of 11, and it HURT!) I thought about the issue of abortion, a political issue that is not really just political. Who is to make the life and death decision? When is the mass of cells in a woman's body to be considered a separate being? Avoiding conception and destroying a conceived potential being are NOT the same thing. I thought about the women I know personally who contracted an STD (sexually transmitted disease) from their own husbands who were obviously cheating on them and they didn't know about it until the doctor diagnosed them. I thought about the current social outcry about powerful men in the entertainment industry abusing women and remembered the public bragging of sports stars who have fathered countless children, none of whom they actual act as "father" to, only being sperm donors. I remember the "open-minded" concepts being socially promoted in the 60's and 70's, "free love" or "peace, love, dope". The idea was to distance the old "Victorian" notions of "frigid sex" not openly enjoyed by women and only considered necessary for procreation. Then there was the "wife-swapping" to liven up even sex within marriage. Sex has become a form of recreation, fun, personal/selfish pleasure. It is openly encouraged to satisfy onesself with anyone, any time no matter what gender or even without acknowledgement of a gender. There are no longer any limits and anyone who suggests limits is strongly criticized as being prejudiced and intolerant.
     I believe in God. I believe in living prophets who can give us guidance in a world so out of control. Way back in 1995, the First Presidency of the LDS Church (living prophets, seers, and revelators) sent out "The Family- A Proclamation to the World" which clarifies this whole issue. I want to quote just a few words from this document:
     All human beings-male and female- are created in the image of God. Each is a beloved spirit son or daughter of heavenly parents, and, as such, each has a divine nature and destiny. Gender is an essential characteristic of individual premortal, mortal, and eternal identity and purpose......We declare that God's commandment to multiply and replenish the earth remains in force. We further declare that god has commanded that the sacred powers of procreation are to be employed only between man and woman, lawfully wedded as husband and wife. We declare the means by which mortal life is created to be divinely appointed. We affirm the sanctity of life and of its importance in God's eternal plan. Husband and wife have a solemn responsibility to love and care for each other and for their children.
     I don't expect everyone to agree with me on this. But it sure seems to me that the ONLY solution to this issue is God's solution- sexual relations only and respectfully within marriage. Women should not be advertising their bodies for lustful consumption nor should they encourage their daughters to do so. This sounds harsh but it's what it is! Look beautiful, not trashy! Men should not be considering uncontrolled lust to be "natural" in any form. Love your wives, including physical relations. Produce and care for the resulting children, if any. It really would be so much nicer for the world.

NOT a social issue

     I really like a lot of things about the LDS (Mormon) Church. I have been a member now for over 40 years and the more I learn, the more I appreciate the basic tenets of this worldwide organization. Just a few of the elements I would commend to anyone: Mormon Helping Hands (we are really big on humanitarian aid and not just for other members), the encouragement to develop talents (more on that in a minute), good health due to abstinence from unhealthy things as well as encouragement for good nutrition and exercise, trustworthiness (many federal and law enforcement agencies like to recruit Mormons because of their lifestyle, knowledge of foreign languages, and general honesty), encouragement of endless education (we even do it at church). Children are not just tolerated but loved by all and respected and encouraged. Children in our church become accustomed to speaking in public starting at a very young age, generally 3 years old. We are constantly reminded that every single person is a child of God and has been given talents that we should develop. There are more pianos and harps per capita in Utah than any other state. It's not a big deal to expect at least one pianist, if not more, in any congregation of Mormons. Gradually the world is recognizing the many aspects of the LDS Church which are an influence for good. This is a vast improvement over the days when Mormons were tarred and feathered, their homes burned, their names sullied, families disowning them upon a decision to join, or even the infamous Missouri extermination order by a state governor.
     But none of these are the reason I am happy to be a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. I chose to become a member and continue to be active because I believe in a Heavenly Father who loves His children and wants as many as possible to choose to live by His principles in an eternal peaceful kingdom. He has given us the opportunity to know Him through intimate prayer, public teaching, and personal study of the words of prophets ordained by Him to have authority to speak in His name. He then provides an opportunity for us to make covenants with Him whereby we promise to obey and be His children and He promises EVERYTHING. It's an essential first step to want part of all He has to offer, but it's only the first step. If we want to eat at the grown-ups' table, we have to be willing to grow up. That means repentance which is basically a genuine intent to change: develop talents, give up sins, and obey righteous principles. We have to do more than just hope and want to live with Him. He said that He cannot look upon sin with the least degree of allowance. He is willing to forgive and will love and encourage. But we have to do our part.

What is the point, exactly??

     We have been traveling again so I haven't had a chance to post a blog. The one issue that has been plaguing me has to do with fashion. Is any concern to do with our physical appearance primarily for sexual attraction? Do we dress just to stimulate a desire for someone else to have their way with us? Women are not just objects to satisfy the male physical lust so why the effort to wear a uniform portraying them that way? It seems that "beautiful" or "attractive" or "exciting" in women's fashion generally involves maximum skin exposure: bare arms, backs, shoulders, cleavage, midriff, legs... even in what should traditionally be a celebration of purity- a wedding gown. Can a woman's eyes (the window to the soul) not be as or even more beautiful than her breasts? Do skirts need to be titillatingly short to be attractive? I'm not advocating exclusively long sleeves and turtle necks on loose-fitting, long robes. I understand there are societies that promote public modesty to that degree. If men need to have women entirely covered to that degree, they should probably avoid being in the company of women at all. However, for their own character development, it would be much better to acquire and maintain self-control. But I'm not talking about just fending off the potential for a male to touch, grab, or attack a female. I'm talking about women purposefully choosing to objectify themselves and encourage it for other females, even young daughters. Are the covers of Cosmopolitan really that different from Playboy? Is the naked form in sulky poses the only way females can be considered beautiful? I really don't think so. There doesn't really need to be the full-view of skin or the implication of it as in skin-tight clothing, in order for a woman to look lovely. If what she is hoping for is wolf whistles, stares, and suggestive leers, then alright- that's the way to dress. I think a female can look beautiful without expensive jewelry or maximum skin exposure or even shocking hairstyles. A purely open smile is refreshingly lovely. Clean, neat hair is lovely. Being dressed in a modest, clean outfit appropriate for the occasion is ideal. It really can't just be blamed on men. Women simply don't need to feel the necessity to look sexy- unless they're in their bedroom with their husband. Old-fashioned? Oh well, I guess I prefer older and wiser.........

Insightful words

     I have been reading a book by C.S. Lewis. He is most widely known for his works the Chronicles of Narnia. He is a really interesting person. He gave a series of radio talks near the end of and after WWII then compiled them in a book called "Mere Christianity". Early in life he considered himself an atheist but after lots of thought and research, he gives some very insightful explanations as to how he came to embrace Christianity. The book is simply a basic description of what Christianity entails with no specific church's doctrine. Here are some examples:
     We might try to understand exactly what loving your neighbour as yourself means. I have to love him as I love myself. Well, how exactly do I love myself?Now that I come to think of it, I have not exactly got a feeling of fondness or affection for myself, and I do not even always enjoy my own society. So apparently 'Love your neighbor' does not mean 'feel fond of him' or 'find him attractive'. I ought to have seen that before, because, of course, you cannot feel fond of a person by trying....So loving my enemies does not apparently mean thinking them nice either..
     Does loving your enemy mean not punishing him? No, for loving myself does not mean that I ought not to subject myself to punishment- even to death....
     That is what is meant in the Bible by loving him: wishing his good, not feeling fond of him nor saying he is nice when he is not....
     Now what you want to get clear is that Pride is essentially competitive- is competitive by its very nature- while the other vices are competitive only, so to speak, by accident. Pride gets no pleasure out of having something, only out of having more of it than the next man.....
      In God you come up against something which is in every respect immeasurably superior to yourself. Unless you know God as that- and, therefore, know yourself as nothing in comparison- you do not know God at all. As long as you are proud you cannot know God.......
     Charity means 'Love, in the Christian sense'. But love, in the Christian sense, does not mean an emotion. It is a state not of the feelings but of the will; that state of the will which we have naturally about ourselves, and must learn to have about other people...............Christian Love (or Charity) for our neighbours is quite a different thing from liking or affection. We 'like' or are 'fond of' some people, and not of others. It is important to understand that this natural 'liking' is neither a sin nor a virtue, any more than your likes and dislikes in food are a sin or a virtue. It is just a fact. But, of course, what we do about it is either sinful or virtuous...... Do not waste time bothering whether you 'love' your neighbor; act as if you did..... Good and evil both increase at compound interest. That is why the little decisions you and I make every day are of such infinite importance. The smallest good act today is the capture of a strategic point from which, a few months later, you may be able to go on to victories you never dreamed of. An apparently trivial indulgence in lust or anger today is the loss of a ridge or railway line or bridgehead from which the enemy may launch an attack otherwise impossible......... [People] are told they ought to love God. They cannot find any such feeling in themselves. What are they to do? The answer is the same as before. Act as if you did......... Christian Love, either towards God or towards man, is an affair of the will.
     These are just a few snippets that give evidence that C.S. Lewis's thoughts are worth knowing and considering. I think everyone could gain some wisdom from him. It's almost a disservice to him to just give little bits out of context. His full explanations are so much clearer. Those who have already chosen to believe in God and His Son can find clarity in their choice through his reasoning. Those who are confused and searching can find direction in his logic. He's a good guy.

Go up to the mountain!

     It is really awesome that no matter how many times we read the scriptures, we can find new things we hadn't noticed before. I have read 1 Nephi, the first book in the Book of Mormon, countless times yet I have been finding gems as I read it again. The family of Lehi and Sariah has dramatic issues, as do most families. Lehi is a prophet and leads his family in obeying God. Some of his sons think that's a good thing and some of them think he's a fool. (I know not all of my family is totally supportive of my efforts to obtain and follow the Lord's guidance.) Nephi is constantly trying to "reason" with Laman and Lemuel, his older brothers, with rare and limited success. He tries to remind them of the miracles the Lord has done previously which should justify their belief and trust in Him. When Nephi doesn't fully understand something from the Lord, he goes directly to the Lord for further clarification. When Laman and Lemuel don't understand, they murmur and get angry. When Nephi asks them if they have gone to the Lord for help, their response is, "We have not; for the Lord maketh no such thing known unto us", basically blaming the Lord for their lack of understanding. Nephi then responds, "Do ye not remember the things which the Lord hath said?- If ye will not harden your hearts, and ask me in faith believing that ye shall receive, with diligence in keeping my commandments, surely these things shall be made known unto you." Because our freedom to choose for ourselves is so very important, God will never force us to do or believe anything. It is always our own choice. I know the Lord can teach, guide, and comfort us- mostly through the Holy Ghost- whenever we ask and listen and wait for a response. The language of the Spirit is not easy for the natural man (mortal human). It requires practice and patience. As I continued reading about Nephi's experiences, I came to a paragraph that jumped out at me more than it ever has.
     "The voice of the Lord came unto me, saying: arise, and get thee into the mountain."  Now this wasn't a telegram handed to Nephi or a loud-speaker issuing a command. This was a quiet inspiration for Nephi to go where it was quiet so he could really focus on listening to the Lord without distractions. When he goes to a high place and listens, the Lord proceeds to tell him to make a boat and how to get the ore to make tools and everything he would need to do it. This is something Nephi had never done and probably had never even seen done in his former home in Jerusalem. But when the Lord tells you to do something, it's a good idea to do it. When the Lord tells us to do something, all we need to have is willingness. He can provide the skill, knowledge, and ability- but only if we have faith. We have to believe that He is right in whatever he tells us to do and that He will be there with us to cheer us on as we take those steps to wherever He has told us to go. He will not do it for us and He doesn't want to do it for us because He wants us to learn and grow for ourselves. He wants us to listen and obey and learn from Him and act for ourselves. Sometimes we may need to get into a mountain (or a temple or a grove of trees) so we can give Him our full attention so He can instruct us. We might just be amazed at what we can accomplish.