How to help??

Not long ago in front of a house just down the street a fairly large cactus toppled over. It was just after a good rain- somewhat unusual for this desert climate. I'm sure the cactus had been growing there for several years but the excess rain weakened the soil and roots at the base of it and it simply fell over. My husband has always had a tendency to over-water plants in his well-intended desire to take care of them. I have tried to explain to him that over-watering can be just as bad for plants as insufficient water. You truly can "kill with kindness".
That has caused me to ponder in what ways you can "kill" with kindness. Here in Sun City, there are lots of people on medications for everything from high blood pressure to diabetes. Giving a lovely plate of homemade cookies to a diabetic is not helpful. The same thing applies to someone who is trying to lose weight. I have observed parents who rush in to help their child, giving them comfort for any little thing or doing something the child could and should do for himself. That is also not helpful. When someone is trying to recover from an injury or surgery or working at strengthening muscles, it is not always the best thing to jump up and serve them, not allowing them to make the effort themselves. I see older people here having a harder and harder time getting up out of a seat. Avoiding doing that only makes it worse. The only way they can keep moving is to move.
Don't get me wrong. I am in no way advocating ignoring someone who is struggling or not giving gifts. I just think it's important when we feel motivated to give someone something, that we try to care enough to consider their situation, know them well enough, to be sure that in our kindness we are truly helping. With someone struggling to do things they used to do before a stroke, cheering them on may be more kind than stepping in to do it for them thereby robbing them of the chance to re-gain abilities. With a child struggling to do a chore they deem too difficult, it may be more beneficial to them to give them instructions on how to do it or how to break it up into smaller, less daunting sections rather than to simply do it for them because you could have it done in less than half the time it takes to talk them through it.
I guess what I'm suggesting is that we consider the ultimate goal. Is the most important thing to have a clean room or to have a capable child who can grow up to be independent? Is it more important for us to feel generous in giving a plate of cookies when it may not be healthy or might it be more beneficial to give of our time and friendship? Is it more important for us to feel like we have rescued someone or alleviated our own suffering at watching them struggle, or to have everyone learn patience in continuing to work at something difficult knowing that with the effort it will get easier rather than getting weaker by not working at it?
Too often we want God to take away trials or pave the way for us to more easily accomplish something. God is wiser than that. He knows that every time He "does" something for us, we become weaker and more dependent. We're totally dependent on Him anyway but we often think we're doing it on our own. That reminds me of college-aged kids who think they're "independent" because they're away from home, using Mom and Dad's money. We need to rely on His wisdom and seek it through prayer and scripture reading, but not be disappointed or resentful when things don't work out quite like we want them to at the speed we want them to then crying out to Him that He's not listening or helping. Growing up is hard. But living forever dependent on someone else and incapable of dealing with things is worse. We need to believe in ourselves the way our Heavenly Father believes in us.