Change

     Birth is a shock to the system -for both the mother, the infant, and even the father. There is physical pain and effort in the delivery for the mother. The infant goes from being all cozy and protected to bright lights, loud noises, cold air, and coping with everything involved in being alive on his own. The father and the mother both will be struggling for years to get to know this new human in their life and how to guide, care for, and eventually let go of him/her.
     Puberty is a challenge, too. No child is prepared for the shock of hormones running through their mind and body causing feelings they haven't felt before. There is a struggle to understand a new body. Familiar objects and activities no longer bring the comfort they might have when a young child. There are pleasant aspects, but there are rules and limits and consequences yet to fully grasp.
     Menopause brings freedom from menstruation and the concern of possible pregnancy. However, it also brings hot flashes and other discomforts. Mature age, in general, brings all sort of unexpected problems. Arthritis, prostate difficulties, loss of hearing and vision, and more- all causing anyone to wonder when to see a medical professional and when to just deal with an aging body.
     Moving to a new place involves hassles with sorting, packing, lifting, choosing, deciding, risking, and wondering how to dispose of things. Then there's the losing familiar people and places and getting acquainted with new ones. The same thing happens with a new job, too.
     All these things are examples of major changes that occur in our lives. There are lots more, of course. Changes are just plain hard. Changes can cause anxiety, sleeplessness therefore exhaustion, conflict in relationships, and countless problems. However, change can also bring advantages. I have never regretted bearing children despite the pain and turmoil. They bring great joy into my life. All the changes naturally occurring in the body can bring good experiences as well as uncomfortable ones. New places and jobs can be exciting and enriching. Although we won't see the familiar faces so often, there are marvelous ways available to communicate as well as transportation to make visits.
     Repentance is change. "Repentance is not optional for salvation; it is a commandment of God." How many times has anyone heard or said something like, "Why can't you just accept or love me or let me be the way I am?" There is always a concern for judging or criticizing. Staying the way we naturally are is certainly the easiest. Nobody can really be a legitimate judge of what we need to change in ourselves but God and our own conscience. Nobody else knows what we have already accomplished in growth toward perfection. Nobody else knows how hard change is for us. But change we must. It's not an option.

Motherhood

These are photos of the day I became a mother for the third time. My peaceful smile does not reveal the pain and agony I had just gone through nor does it give justice to the joy I felt at the birth of this child. We had prayed for him and gone to great lengths to create him. 

This is the alert face I was looking at, the curious eyes I was gazing into. Nothing could have prepared me for the frustration this boy child was going to cause. Nothing could have prepared me for the intense sorrow created by his early departure from earthly existence.
     I could fill books (and actually have!) with photos of the children I am delighted to call my own. I lost this boy early but gained three grandchildren, a daughter-in-law and now a new stepfather to the children. I have another son I am immensely proud of and love every minute I ever get to spend with him. He has also blessed me with a wife and three grandchildren. I have an unofficially adopted son who has brought laughter and awe into my life along with an unofficial daughter-in-law that I love dearly and 5 precious, wonderful children.
     Then there are my 2 daughters. My older daughter can only be described as a fireball. Despite concerns I had with her constant inattention to completion as a teenager, she has always been the first to offer help, give generously to others, and invite others into her circle of love and friendship as well as into our home and family. She has courage and an artistic eye not to be rivaled.... except maybe by a slightly different artistic ability in her sister, my other daughter. My younger daughter also has a very generous heart which has sometimes made her vulnerable to hurt. Although she lacks the confidence of her older sister, she doesn't have any less ability.
     I could not be any more grateful for those who have made me a mother. We love each other even with differences. We can laugh together despite the trials and pain life hands us. We can trust each other and rely on support despite all too common and too distant geographical gaps. If my Heavenly Parents love me like I love my children (which they do and even more!), I am assured of being loved forever no matter how weak, troublesome, even foolish I may be.

And speaking of time....

     I started sewing for other people for pay many years ago, about 1971 I think. Decades later, when women would come to me with mending, alteration, or fabrication requests, sometimes they would apologize saying they knew they could manage to sew but just didn't want to put in the time and effort. They were sometimes impressed with my abilities in sewing. Although I was grateful for their respect and admiration, I usually just said that I had put so many hours into sewing that I could only expect to be better at it. If I hadn't gotten better after all that effort, there would be something wrong with me!
     As I near 70 years of age, I feel like I have had sufficient experience and spent sufficient time thinking and analyzing that I have gained just a little bit of wisdom. I am open about my ineptitude in technology or even much of machinery. But I have learned some things. It's discouraging when what I have to offer is not only not respected but even completely rejected. If I have not had the exact experience someone else has had, my thoughts are worthless. On the contrary, I think it's very possible, and should be expected, to learn general principles from specific experiences. If someone else has a pain in their foot and I have had a pain in my arm, I can still comprehend and sympathize even though my pain was slightly different. If I have learned to be more patient in awaiting an outcome in a situation, I can express advice to someone else to be patient and wait in a situation not entirely the same.
     Today in Sunday School, we talked about the prophet Balaam who, at first adamantly refused to try to perform anything contrary to the Lord's will but later started on his way to giving in to the pleadings of a rich and powerful man. The question was posed how do we sometimes justify circumventing or even defying a commandment of the Lord. One of the ways is to consider prophets as "just men". Well, they are only men, but they are also in a position to give counsel from God. We each have the opportunity to ignore, refute, disbelieve, or follow them. Sometimes people will complain about Church leaders (especially when they don't like the counsel being given) that they are old and out of touch. That can be true of worldly leaders. Kings or life-time politicians can often be distant from those they govern so their decrees and policies can be all wrong. However, when a man speaks for God, how can he be considered out of touch? Our reaction if ever we are doubtful should always be to pray to God directly for His confirmation of what has been said. We do not have to blindly follow and, in fact, should not blindly follow. We have been given individual agency and should use it responsibly in studying, pondering, and praying to know truth for ourselves. A prophet's voice should just be a confirmation of what we have already felt for ourselves, or maybe in the opposite order when it has to do with something we hadn't even been considering.
     Being old does NOT denote worthlessness.

It takes time......

     Much as we would like to consider ourselves flexible in adapting to surroundings, familiarity and comfort do not happen quickly or easily. No matter how nice a new neighborhood is, it takes awhile to get to know the people around you. No matter how much you like a new job, it takes awhile to get acclimated to the surroundings and responsibilities associated with it. Marriage and family are simply a never-ending cause for adjustments as people change individually, new babies enter the family, older teens leave the family, etc. I had several occasions to be a leader at Girls Camp (LDS short summer camp for young women). Many girls came "kicking and screaming" to have the opportunity to live in the rough (more or less, depending on the stake and campsite). Yet, very few girls left without some reluctance to leave the people they had gotten close to and the feelings they felt. The final evening was usually a testimony meeting and usually there were few dry eyes. I just took a few days of adjusting from their normal daily routines and becoming familiar with the rhythm of camp.
     Over the past 40+ years, I have noticed a similar adjustment in attending the temple. When we first started going to the temple, we usually would go for 2 days since it was to far to drive for just a session or two. It took the first half a day, at least, to "shut out" the world. There is so much in our lives to plan, worry about, schedule, and decide. Focusing on eternity just doesn't happen in the first several hours of being in the temple. I have been deeply affected by the light that comes into my mind in the temple but it generally requires time. My mind continues to focus on work needing to be done, errands to run, worries about family members, plans to make, and fears about various problems for the first several hours in the temple. Even though it's quiet and peaceful, my mind continues to be busily preoccupied with "Babylon" rather than heaven or Zion. I can understand why some LDS members choose to serve repeated missions. While on the Lord's errand, the Spirit is so strong. Once back in the world, the Spirit can feel elusive. I was nearly constantly enlightened and uplifted during our mission in the Nauvoo temple. I could actually witness the Lord's hand nearly every single day. I felt my mind expand and open to understanding and peace and love. It was wonderful and I really miss it. We go to the temple now but it's about an hour away and we go for two successive sessions (a total of 4 hours) and it's much harder to sense the still, small voice. I want so badly to focus on heaven instead of Babylon! I yearn for the peace and love and enlightenment the Spirit brings. I can resort to blame, but it's truly me that has to make the concerted effort, no matter what is going on around me. It's just hard.

Balancing act

     At the end of life, each of us will die separately and feel accountable separately for how we spent our mortal years. Throughout our life we may "join" groups like Scouts, PTA, church groups, armed forces, work groups, unions, or even more casual book clubs or bowling teams. We are separate from each other but "no man is an island, no man stands alone" as the song goes. The challenge can sometimes be for us to balance time with groups or alone. Fathers who spend too much time with work and social groups will lose the relationship of their wife and children. Mothers who spend too much time with their children will lose the opportunity to nourishing friendships or the continued growth of intimacy with their husband. Time spent alone can be relaxing and refreshing but spending too much time alone makes it more difficult to know how to relate to other people.
     For those who have made the decision to become a follower of Christ, made baptismal covenants and keep them, there is still a constant need to balance group and personal activities. I am troubled by the potential hazards of personal electronic devices. It's wonderful that we can access words of prophets or church calendars on them. But it's a continuing temptation to avoid social media or other distractions when sitting in church meetings with a phone or other device. Even if the chosen activity is "good", like reading scriptures or conference talks, doing family history, or writing in journals, it can be detrimental to use an electronic device too much during meetings. How can a group be unified spiritually if there is a talk or lesson (that someone worked hard to prepare) being given to a roomful of people who are all reading or doing something else, even if they're quiet? It's one thing for young children to have "quiet books" to occupy them during meetings. Often the things said or taught are not easily understood by young children. But once a child is old enough to sit still and listen, it should be expected. A teenager or older playing games on their phone is just not cool during church meetings. It's not quite the same thing as "multi-tasking" because the goal in striving for the guidance of the Holy Ghost is that you focus on hearing the still, small voice- not just to accomplish finding out the gist of the message (What was the lesson/talk about??) while checking on upcoming activities or preparing your own talk or lesson to be given later. It's being alone in a crowd.
     On the other hand, there are those who rely totally on their church meetings to learn what's in the scriptures. There are those who may join family, companion, or group prayers but rarely, if ever, communicate directly with God themselves. Our relationship with God, Jesus Christ, and the Holy Ghost is an individual, personal thing. I have long had the idea of writing a spiritual-type song with the lyrics beginning "You can't get to heaven on your brother's coat tails. You gotta get there by yourself." It's not appropriate nor will it be effective to develop a relationship with our Father by simply sitting in on a group session. Even in the temple, where we do most things as a group, our individual focus is still a personal thing. The scriptures say that when Jesus comes we will know Him but we can't know Him if we don't make the individual effort.
     It's just another principle to learn- another step in gaining wisdom or spiritual maturity. I guess it matters what your goal is. What is going to matter to you on your death bed? Once we figure that out, we need to work our way back to where we are right now and use it to guide us in the use of our time and efforts.

For me, and for Angela, and anyone else who worries

     I have been so sore and tired since moving to our house in Ohio that I haven't even considered writing a blog. But conversations with my daughters and husband and thoughts and scriptures have impressed me to comment on our individual accountability. In the book of Ether (Book of Mormon section), Chapter 12, Moroni inserts some comments about faith and a  conversation he had with the Lord. He worries about how his writings as well as those of other prophets will be received in the latter days. He feels they were not made "mighty in writing" to enable the Spirit to work through their words to inspire those who read. The Lord patiently explains that men's weaknesses are placed in them purposely to cause them to be humble, knowing that's the only way they will listen, have faith to repent and improve. Then they talk about charity, which is the love the Lord has for us and wants us to develop toward each other. Then Moroni, still concerned about people in the latter days, prays that the Lord will give them grace so they will have this charity.  Then the Lord says,
If they have not charity it mattereth not unto thee, thou hast been faithful; wherefore, thy garments shall be made clean. And because thou hast seen thy weakness thou shalt be made strong, even unto the sitting down in the place which I have prepared in the mansions of my Father.
This is good news for Moroni so he goes on to say, for the benefit of those reading his words:
And now I, Moroni, bid farewell unto the Gentiles, yea, and also unto my brethren whom I love, until we shall meet before the judgment-seat of Christ, where all men shall know that my garments are not spotted with your blood.
     This conversation between the Lord and a prophet is clear and can be helpful to those who are striving to live as He would have them live but are surrounded by those who may not be making that same effort. When I combine this excerpt with what I learned in the temple in Nauvoo about everyone having a responsibility to assist in the work of the Lord but each individual needing to do only their small part and that is enough, what results is:
1- We each need to be willing to perform and seek to know what our small part is although it also includes our own willingness and ideas "for it is not meet that I should command in all things". So if we are doing everything, or mostly everything, He has already told us about- praying, reading scriptures, holding a temple recommend, serving others, etc.- then we are doing our small part.
2- We need to call others to repentance- not in any self-righteous way condemning others and holding ourselves up as a perfect example. Just be willing to share the "good news" that Jesus has atoned for us and all we need to do is show our gratitude and love for Him by telling others about it and obeying Him. Whether they listen or not is up to them.
3- Beyond that, it is not our responsibility! If a child or spouse or friend does not live up to their covenants or responsibilities, our garments are not spotted by their blood- we are not accountable for their choices. We love them, just as Moroni loved even his rebellious people. We continue to try to share our testimony and be an example. But there is no point in or need to fret over someone else's choices. If they neglect a calling or don't go to church or seminary when we have offered them a ride or don't live the commandments and we have at least once reminded them, that's it..... We have done our small part and the rest is up to them.
     This is how we enter the Lord's rest. We don't have to agonize over the weaknesses or faults or rebelliousness of even those we are closest to. We can love them but we can't change them. That is okay.

Differing perspectives

     When drawing or painting a still life in art class, the results will differ slightly among the students. Depending on the angle of sight, one may not depict the grapes hidden from view by a bowl. One may show the handle of a pitcher that is unseen by another. Because humans are each unique and different from each other in various aspects, our perspectives are different. This can be enriching, giving us insights we wouldn't otherwise have, but it can also be frustrating as we try to communicate or work together. It somehow still surprises me when a conversation with someone close to me is less than clear and smooth because words can mean different things to different people and what we picture or remember can be so varied. Sometimes it seems like one of us is painting the bowl of fruit and pitcher while the other is painting the table it sits on, or the tablecloth on the table or even the window in the wall behind it! The struggle to understand each other is so frustrating!
     I tend to be a "hide my head in the sand" type of reactor. It seems the only answer is to avoid the whole situation/conversation/relationship. But that doesn't really work, especially if the other person is someone living in the same house or having regular contact with me. I used to try to explain my reasoning but I have found that others can interpret that as uninteresting or even annoying and accuse me of merely justifying a seemingly erroneous thought or action or trying to "convert" them to my way of thinking. That's not really my goal. I only seek to understand why we can't seem to agree or even have a peaceful discussion. I hope that by explaining my thinking, they can figure out how I got where I am or see where our paths might coincide. My greatest desire is to be able to see where others "are coming from" to better understand or have empathy for them.
     The Lord has said, "Be one even as the Father and I are one" and "If ye are not one, ye are not mine". So I really, really want to be one with others who are seeking peace and harmony, even if we are not the same. I want to love and be loved even though we are different. I really don't mean to be annoying and I don't want to make anyone else a clone of me. I tried to teach my children the truth to the very best that I could find or understand it: The world is round, not flat. Smoking is bad for you. You need to eat fruits and vegetables because cookies and chicken don't give you the vitamins your body needs. Watching endless tv or playing endless video games gives you a warped view of other people and the world around you. It's easier to find things in an orderly room than in a messy room. -
The list goes on and on. I have wanted to leave any place I have been in better shape than when I arrived. I pick up litter, even if it's not mine. I wash dishes when needed. I try to comfort those who stand in need of comfort or give guidance to those who are lost.
     I just can't figure out how to relate to someone who sees the tablecloth when I am looking at the fruit bowl. I don't know how to be able to carry on a conversation about meaningful things when I have only my perspective to go on and others are so different.