It was worth every penny!

Despite many things in our life right now that are less than happy, Russ and I have made the decision to enjoy whatever we can whenever we can. I saw an ad in the paper for the circus and we thought it would be fun to take some of our grandkids. It was a wonderful experience! The kids and we enjoyed every minute from the pre-show cotton candy....

through the acts and the chance for the kids to have really exciting experiences. Jeremy chose to ride an elephant and thoroughly enjoyed it.

Kadon and Brooklyn were a little intimidated by the elephants but thought they would like to ride the ponies. Kadon said he wouldn't ride anything at first but after giving it some thought while we waited in line for our turn, he decided that riding a horse might be fun after all.

It was a really good thing that Russ was able to enjoy it without fretting over money. Here we are officially declaring bankruptcy and not knowing what exactly is going to happen in the next month or so but we splurged to give these kids a memorable experience- for them and for us.

The circus, con't.

The show lasted over two hours with the 1/2 hour intermission in the middle. There was plenty of noise and distracting vendors hawking their wares but the kids, including 2-year old Brooklyn, were totally entranced by everything they saw.

I got these in the wrong order but the show ended with the hugely magnificent elephants. The boys laughed and laughed at the trained monkey act.

The tigers were the beginning of the show and were spellbinding.

Lord, is it I?

The title of this blog comes from the book of Matthew in the Bible. Christ said to his twelve apostles, "Verily I say unto you, that one of you shall betray me." Then, "they were exceeding sorrowful, and began every one of them to say unto him, Lord, is it I?" I know full well that I am not "yet perfected". I know that I have aspects of the "natural man", who is an enemy to God, that I have not yet overcome. As I read scriptures, the only source of absolute truth for determining what qualifies a person as "good" or "evil", I constantly try to self-analyze in an attempt to search out aspects of myself I need to work on. When the Lord mentions hypocrites (praying, giving alms, fasting- all things that I do) and warns us to NOT be as the hypocrites, I try to discover my own motivations. Am I a hypocrite? When the Lord talks about people in the last days, "Therefore shall all hands be faint, and every man's heart shall melt: and they shall be afrain: pangs and sorrows shall take hold of them", I wonder if I will be afraid. The Lord has said, "If ye are prepared, ye shall not fear", and lots of people use that as a reason to have money and food saved up. That's all well and good- unless, of course, we happen to be one of the ones living where the "wars and rumors of wars" or "earthquakes in diverse places" are going on. I think the preparation that will help us the most is spiritual so we won't have to succumb to emotional and mental overload. I guess all I can do is continue to pray, search my heart, seek greater understanding and wisdom, and trust that the Lord will let me know what I need to work on, at a pace I am capable of. "It is not requisite that a man should run faster than he has strength."So I don't have to be what everybody wants me to be. I don't have to worry so much that I may be annoying to some or less than fashionable to others. I'm following my leader and trying to emulate Him. I'll just keep trudging on.

It has been a good day

Since I arrived here in Sun City, AZ to help my parents, things have been up and down and even a little scary and frustrating. But today was good. My dad is still sleeping until 10 in the morning (having gone to bed at 8 the night before) because he is so tired. But today he didn't just nap off and on all day in his chair. He didn't grimace and shake his head when I offered him food or drink. Because of the bladder bleeding incident that landed him in the hospital for 4 1/2 days, it has now been over 2 weeks since his last chemo treatment. Tonight I barbequed chicken (with Cornell sauce- the ONLY way to barbeque chicken) and he ate really well. He has had a couple of visitors and he is his usual lively self in carrying on conversation.
My mom gets so lonely at the nursing home. She is so incredibly weak that her voice is barely above a whisper most of the time. Very few people can even hear her. Where she is there are lots of older people with lots of health and even mental problems. Her eyes are getting worse and worse. She had surgery on one eye but the results weren't worth putting her through doing her other eye. She has always had only one ear that works. She rolls her wheelchair some by herself but she moves at a snail's pace. Today I walked over to the nursing home early in the morning, like I have been doing most mornings, and read scriptures with her for an hour. Morning is when she is the most alert and can see the best. She wears out as the day goes on. Then after lunch I drove over and pushed her wheelchair home for a few hours so she got to enjoy the barbequed chicken, too. Then I wheeled her back after dinner and helped her get ready for bed. She doesn't really have any serious life-threatening physical issues. Her bones are very brittle and she has just atrophied to the point that she can't do much beyond eating which she really shouldn't do too much because she has gained too much weight from not being phycially active. There just isn't anybody that has lots of extra time to "entertain" Mom. She does some activities when there is something she enjoys. She doesn't play bingo which is once a week. She doesn't watch tv because she can't see it very well. She has always enjoyed reading but she can't do it much. Early in the day she can see large print. She doesn't have anything in large print. She enjoyed the afternoon home. It just isn't possible to bring her home every day. Getting older can really be a bummer. There are lots of people here that fall into the "senior citizen" category and they all commiserate over their lists of physical problems. They manage to stay pretty active driving their golf carts to the grocery store and over to visit friends. It's handy to have so many neighbors who are in similar circumstances. On the other hand, I wonder if it's depressing to realize that everybody around you is on the downhill side of their life. I guess they're all going about the same speed at this point so maybe it's good they don't have to keep up with the world that always seems to be rushing along.

No fat people in chemotherapy

My dad continues to struggle to get down any nourishment. He knows he needs to eat to survive so he forces himself to do it. But he only eats very little bits- one egg and one piece of toast seems like a lot to him. Chemotherapy doses are based on height and weight so the doctor doesn't want him to lose much weight. He has warned Dad that most people with cancer who die do so from malnourishment, not from cancer or the treatment itself. Chemotherapy is the best we can do to fight this menace to mankind. But it works by getting really close to killing the patient along with the cancer cells. I know Dad is doing his very best. I find myself caring so much that I have to fight the urge to desperately take in extra calories as a proxy! But at the same time, as I try to empathize in an effort to imagine what might possibly be easier for him to eat, sometimes I almost feel sick to my stomach. It's pretty crazy. More and more I look forward to the day when there will no longer be suffering and mourning. There will be no more suicide bombings. There will be no cancer or AIDS. There will be no child abuse or rape. This "enduring to the end" is pretty hard, especially when we have no idea when "the end" will be. Our son finished his earthly sojourn at 28 years of age. My grandmother wondered how much longer she would have to go when she was 93. We all have a different journey here on the earth. The challenge is to journey well so we can feel content with leaving this part and going on to the next.

Prayer, repentance, confidence

I am currently in Arizona for a 3 week shift of helping my parents. My sisters and I are trying to work out a couple of days overlap so we can fill each other in on what is happening. An additional bonus is the chance to be with a sister for a couple of days. I have enjoyed being with Carol (my older sister) along with Dad and mom for the past couple of days. As we have travelled to Dad's chemotherapy appointment, walked to the grocery store, and visited Mom in the nursing home, it has been pleasant to be together as family members. But the greatest feeling of unity comes when we sit down together before a meal and all bow our heads and pray. There is something very intimate about joining together to address our Father in heaven and agreeing to the requests and gratitude expressed by whoever is acting as voice. The Lord has said, "Whenever two or more of you are gathered in my name, I will be there also." It is a wonderful feeling.
I have been thinking about and discussing forgiveness, especially forgiving self. I often find it easier to forgive someone else than to forgive what I see as my own stupidity or weakness. Why is it so hard to love onesself? I think we often expect more of ourselves than we do of others. When we are hard on ourselves, it paralyzes our ability to move forward. We question and doubt what we choose or try to do. We can't serve others. Then we feel more guilty that we're not helping anyone and begin to think they probably don't respect us or even like us and it's just a downhill spiral. If we could only see ourselves as God sees us- His children with the potential to be like Him, capable of doing WHATEVER WE CHOOSE TO DO. That can be good or not. It's up to us.

Humor me!

Okay, I beg your indulgence. Sometimes in our lives, we need to reflect a little on what we have accomplished in order to raise our spirits or boost our egos or whatever to just feel good about ourselves. I have been doing a lot of cleaning lately. That's okay. I'm really good at cleaning. However, it doesn't make me feel particularly bright or accomplished. So I have been thinking about what I have done over the past nearly 60 years of life. I don't really count all of the music and dancing that was so important to me in my first 2 decades. That was a younger person with the time to devote and a body to display that kind of skill and talent. I have tried to encourage in my children and grandchildren the love of music that I share with my husband. But my accomplishments in music have been few and not especially memorable to others. However, over the years I managed to "fall into" the skill of sewing. I have posted three separate blogs so I could post photos of examples. (The blogspot doesn't seem to take more than 3 at a time very easily.) I have made "comfy" pajamas and quilts for my loved ones. This first picture is Ammon and Jeremy in flannel pajama bottoms. The fabric had bacon and eggs and just seemed appropriate for Ammon. One year I actually made pajamas for ALL of my grandchildren. From here on out, that's not likely to happen again. The older kids are getting old enough that I would be reluctant to attempt anything that would be acceptable for a teenager to wear. 16 sets of any kind of clothing would be quite an undertaking!

One year I actually managed to find a quality terry cloth. I never had before and haven't since. I bought all the store had and made robes for most of the grandkids. I never wanted to bother making anything out of that thin stuff that would have worn out in less than a year. I made the robes 6 years ago and they have been passed down to smaller siblings or whoever but they haven't worn out! I have loved making quilts for all of the kids. They're flannel and meant to be warm and cozy- like the hugs I would give them if I were there! I made the first one for Tanis, who is now 15, many years ago and it has need repair but still holds up. I made a denim quilt for Ammon when he was 15. Victoria still has it. It has a new back but the 400-some pieced top is still in good shape!