Commitment

With the whole tendency toward acceptance and political correctness, the definition of family is continuing to broaden. It used to be a mother, a father, and children. Sometimes one of the parents died leaving a single parent but most of the time if the children were still young, the surviving parent soon re-married. Sometimes the mother and father were unable to have children so they either adopted, cared for foster children, or simply lived as a couple throughout their life. One of the buzz words these days used to legitimize "alternative" families is committed relationships. This is where an adult decides to live with another adult for an extended period of time. Recently a radio announcer used this term to make the comment that he had experienced "several committed relationships". I find that an oxymoron. If a relationship is truly committed, can't it be expected to last a long time? If two people are simply choosing to avoid dating (translated these days to "having sexual relations with") anyone but one person, that is a relationship but should be called experimental or research or something. One of our sons once claimed, at age 15, that he and his girlfriend were really, truly in love and wanted to get married/live together. He was convinced he was ready to flip burgers to support a wife and possible children and they could be happy living in poverty. We spent some time going over black and white figures as to real-life costs of living: rent, utilities, insurance, vehicles, food, medical, and so forth. Beyond that, we tried to point out that "being in love" was not necessarily truly being committed. That comes, not when you are pink-cheeked and blissful, but when you are holding your wife's hair while she pukes in a toilet because she's on chemo, or helping your husband walk after a stroke, or sharing your last piece of bread because you have run out of money and food.
 True commitment is shown through pain, doubts, trials, and suffering. If the relationship can't endure those times, it isn't truly a committed relationship.
I'm not saying you have to have the strength to endure all that when you start out. When I was younger I had the mistaken idea that you needed to be fully capable or knowledgeable to sincerely take on anything meaningful. I thought you had to be fully informed and committed before deciding a career path or a marriage partner or to have children. In our church, we regularly bear testimony to our beliefs. I used to think it was not quite realistic for children to bear their testimony because how could a child really understand a belief in God or Jesus Christ or prophets? Now I realize that we take baby steps in a direction. It's not that we already know everything about God or a prospective mate or what is involved in any career. The point is that we are personally committed to stick it out. We find out that a career path may not be what we're best at but we stick with a job until we have an alternative. We forge ahead to get whatever training or education we will need for whatever we have decided to do instead. We marry someone who has the characteristics of a responsible adult and we covenant with each other for life, or longer. We feel an awareness of a being outside ourselves and we  tenaciously work to know who He is and what He expects of us. Perseverance is the major key to becoming or having anything worthwhile. Fair weather friends are not really friends at all. The same holds true for faith or marriage. If it only last while things are going well, it's not deep or strong or real. That comes over time and by choice to not resort to making excuses like "not knowing it would be this hard" or "this isn't what I signed up for". A commitment is not real if it's temporary.

Why I think we need reunions

Family reunions are getting to be a thing of the past. People are more transient than ever before. Families are spread all over the globe and even within the primary family, members can go long lengths of time without seeing each other, other than on Skype. Extended families become virtual strangers because kids don't meet cousins and aunts and uncles are often unknown other than through pictures or names on a Christmas card. There are so many advantages to meeting together with people who are biologically connected. I have been pondering just a few:

There is something that strikes a chord of familiarity in us when we are face to face with someone  with whom we share genetic make-up. We see the shape of a chin, the bags under the eyes, the ears that are so similar to what we see when we look in the mirror. Although we remain unique, we are not as alone in our physical features.

Family stories- we are reminded of events in our life, sometimes many decades ago, that have been a small part of shaping who we are. As we raise our own children, we can be shocked or disappointed at things they may do that we didn't teach them and don't even approve of! There is something reassuring about hearing from older members of the family stories of the antics of past generations. We hear about the time an uncle "stole" a toy he wanted and his parents wouldn't buy it. He turned out okay. He had to return the toy and apologize or work to pay for it because he broke it or whatever. But he didn't end up in prison, our fear when our child has taken something not belonging to him or getting suspended from school. We hear stories about playing doctor or getting caught kissing behind the barn. So we are comforted that our child won't end up with an unwanted pregnancy or accusations of sexual abuse. Life experiences pass, lessons are learned, and people go on with their lives.

 

 

Sometimes we feel so unattractive we wonder how anyone could ever love us. With a family group, we can feel loved unconditionally no matter how big our nose is or how fat our thighs are. Our family members can comfort us with hugs and jokes and reminders that we have value.

Our family is like most of the rest of the world- spread out all over the globe. But we have a passionate desire to spend time together and enjoy whatever opportunity we can manage. I am so grateful to be accepted and loved by many really good people. Even if we don't live near each other, we will still love each other and enjoy being together, even if it has been too long a time apart.

I don't want to re-live the 60's!

     Two posts in one day? Sheesh........ I have been thinking about another topic which has motivated me to write another opinion. As a child of the 60's I was caught up in the philosophies like "If it feels good, do it" and "Peace, Love, Dope" and "The New Morality". Now that I'm older and  little wiser, I can look back and see how silly all that was. The first saying I mentioned was basically hedonism- like I talked about in the post just below this one. Can people really not understand how destructive to society in general it would be if everyone just did what they felt like when they felt like it??
     I attended a reunion one time meeting with many people I hadn't seen in a couple of decades. One of my really good friends during my high school years attended with his "partner". Most of our classmates did not respond positively about his "coming out" as it is usually called. When asked why he would choose that lifestyle he said something about not being happy in his marriage and having never "tried" anything with another guy before. He tried it and found he liked it.
     Another story- we were spending time with another old friend at another time and discussing the upcoming holidays. She asked what our plans were for New Years Eve. She said that she and her husband always spent a few days at a casino. The food was good and inexpensive and they enjoyed the gambling. They were "careful" about gambling in that they put aside a certain amount of money and limited themselves to it.  We told her that we never gambled. We just couldn't see the point in it. You could lose a big amount of money in a very little amount of time. We couldn't justify sustaining the business that causes so many heartaches in so many lives, just for "FUN". She said, "Well, have you ever tried it? You might like it."
     There are so many things that people justify simply because they "like" it. Obesity has become a major issue simply because we keep trying things and liking them. Unwanted pregnancies are a result of trying something and liking it without considering the consequences. Theft (pickpocketing, armed robbery, scams, etc.) are a result of people just trying to get what they "like".
     As for "Peace, Love, Dope"- peace is certainly a desirable thing. I really hope for, strive for, and want peace. But I recognize that people like criminals, Hitler, Ivan the Terrible, and any number of humans disrupt the peace in the process of pursuing what they have justified to themselves as appropriate to have or do. The only way to stop them from continuing their rampage is to fight back- not as "peaceful" as just letting them do what they want, but I think it's necessary. Love is certainly a positive thing. However, the love usually referred to more and more is actually lust. People "show love" by wanting to have sex. The 60's promoted free sex between people- in groups, singly, several different people in a night, whoever attracted you. Women's Lib encouraged more use of birth control and started the philosophy that abortion should be considered like birth control therefore it should be up to the woman and her "right" to do with her body what she wants.  Dope- well, that's quite a topic these days. As much as I would have applauded its legal status in the 60's, I have wised up over the years. I think we are headed toward major regret over marijuana. It's a more "peaceful" public intoxicant than alcohol and not as addictive as heroin or cocaine. However, is it really a good idea to socially promote a public intoxicant simply because so many people "like" it? My observation during my pot-smoking years was that dope made people "dopey"! We thought we were deep, philosophical thinkers but Yellow Submarine was only a good movie if you were stoned. And, if you think there's a problem with obesity now, just wait until more people get the munchies when they're stoned! One of the reasons we stopped smoking pot is that it was just mind-numbing. It didn't provide motivation to succeed or improve or even do ANYTHING. There is a problem now with the "younger" generation who want what they had growing up without having to go without for awhile to build up their possessions and equity. If we have more un-motivated, stoned people, welfare and government assistance is going to shoot up.
     "New Morality"- in the words of a psychologist or somebody at the time, the "new morality is just the old immorality". Boy, is that true! Sex with whomever, whenever has existed since at least the time of Noah when God decided the earth was so filthy it needed cleansing. There are lots of stories of ancient civilizations in Rome or Greece where men had boys as sex partners. The saying goes, "those who refuse to study and learn from history are doomed to repeat it". So, what happened to those old civilizations who thought they were so smart? Can we never learn???
     Whether you believe in the existence of God or go back to Ghandi or Kant, there is ample evidence that moral disintegration is truly a concern. Over and over again, people try to promote vices, weaknesses, and immoral behavior- 50 years ago or 2000 years ago. We can't expect to support all the old social ills with repeated attempts to justify them. We can either learn from the past, or repeat it.

How can we know???

     Faith is a difficult concept for most people. Depending on their experiences and environment it can mean anything from baseless superstition to powerful force. It can be considered with ridicule or fear or embraced with enthusiasm and gratitude. By definition I guess it would be a belief in something/someone you can not see with your physical eyes. By that definition, most of us have faith in scientists that tell us things are made of atoms, protons and electrons, quarks, and Higgs-Bosun particles. Or we believe there are countless planets and stars beyond what we see when we look at the sky. As far as we know, humans have believed in a force or being beyond their ability to see throughout the history of the earth. Because we are all so different, some people have believed more than others and even among those "believers" there has been conflict as to the nature of whatever power or being exists beyond what we see. As one of the humans who inhabits this earth, I have my own belief- based on my own experiences and things I have read, seen, and heard throughout my 62+ years in mortality.
     As a child, my parents went to a church fairly regularly but I always thought of it as just a society of nice people who meet together to try to feel good about their life choices. As a teenager, I began to question as teenagers do. Is there really a God? What does that mean for me? I had a gut feeling that that God truly exists but had no idea who He really was. I have lived through incredible advances in technology and am awed by how much more we know and what more we can do than my parents' generation or earlier. But I just don't think we are the most advanced intelligence in existence. That, to me, would be hopeless. We are advancing in some areas but totally lost, confused, and regressing in others. We have computers but people still cheat and steal. We have MRI's and CAT scans but people still maim and murder. We can replace a lost limb with a machined part but we cannot fix most mental illnesses and autism, schizophrenia, ADHD, and bipolar disorder are on the rise. We have nearly eradicated many horrible diseases but, out of fear and ignorance, we are hampered in the efforts to totally wipe them out. Are we really the best there is??
     Why can't we see God? Why must we develop and rely on faith? The best, most logical answer I have ever found is taught in the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. I have not done an exhaustive study of all religions and philosophies but I have studied enough to know there isn't enough information available anywhere else. Just as we learn language by the alphabet then words, then sentences, then whole books, learning about God requires a step-by-step process. God does exist and He does want to share with us everything He knows, but we have to learn it line upon line and precept upon precept. We just aren't up to knowing all He knows in one quick, easy course! People throughout the history of the world have observed and drawn conclusions about what is true and what is folly. The ancient Greek philosopher Aristippus concluded that the only object to life is to achieve pleasure. This doctrine became known as hedonism and has a fairly negative connotation to most people. It represents a self-centered, shallow perspective which is destructive to society as a whole. What brings one person pleasure may be disastrous to other people, other creatures, or the environment of the earth. The German philosopher Immanuel Kant taught that no man has a right to practice that which, if practiced by all, would destroy society. That makes a little more sense but it doesn't allow for undeveloped intelligence and doesn't give guidance under all life circumstances. Ghandi developed the idea of things to avoid which he called the seven deadly sins: Wealth without work, Pleasure without conscience, Knowledge without character, Commerce without morality, Science without humanity, Worship without sacrifice, and Politics without principle. Now we're getting closer to a more complete guide to successful living! But, who can teach us character? Whose "morality" do we use when there are so many? What exactly do we sacrifice?
     Over 2000 years ago, God sent His Son, Jesus Christ, to answer many of those questions. We have the writings of other messengers, called prophets, that can help, too. God wants us to be like His Son because we want to be like His Son, not because we are coerced into it. God wants us to choose what WE want to choose and we could only do that if we feel independent enough to make that choice. If we could see God, could have Him tell us what to do, we would be mindless servants. He wants us to be whatever it is we choose on our own. What He is hoping, just like any good parent, is that we will turn to Him for advice because He really is wiser about absolutely everything. So, if we are willing to ask, He will tell us. If we think we are capable of judging everything for ourselves, then that is what we will choose and ignore His advice. So He's going to be quiet until we ask. All we have to do is care enough about being the best we can be, search what's available to us, then ask in sincerity, "God, if you're there, show me what to do. Show me what is true." He will be happy to do that. Just wait a minute or two, ask again if you don't get an immediate answer. But you have to sincerely want an answer whether it agrees with what you currently think or not. He WILL answer.

A tender mercy

     Recently I had a bit of a "down" day. There wasn't anything really wrong. We have been worried about a grandchild or two as well as other family members. I had recently talked to someone about how hard we worked on the house we rehabbed in Dayton, then got almost nothing for it. I woke up one morning thinking about all of our unpleasant experiences in Ohio: our son dying and my desperate efforts to help our sweet daughter-in-law to get an education so she could support the kids, the limousine business with a bad partner who forced us into bankruptcy, and even having decided to move here to AZ to take care of my dad until he died then he died while I was gone getting ready to move here. Added to that was my grief over my verrrryy slowly dying mother. When we moved here 3 years ago, we planned to stay until my mother passed away so she wouldn't be alone. To be perfectly honest, none of my family nor I thought she would live this long. As a matter of fact, apparently she has become a rather frequent subject of discussion among the health care professionals at the care center where she lives. They don't understand why she is still living. Visits to her feel mostly useless. There is almost nothing I can do for her anymore. I find myself visiting her almost strictly out of duty even though I love her. I desperately miss my children and grandchildren. I'm truly grateful for Skype and phone calls from them but it's just not the same. I really don't get to talk to the kids much, especially the younger ones. I'm so afraid they're just growing up without any regular awareness of me. I think about them every day but I'm sure they don't think about me that often. They are kids. They are busy with school, friends, activities, homework, etc. Due to our general circumstances, we don't yet know where we're going to go when we leave here so even though we're anxious to leave, there isn't any pressing reason to do so. We feel like we're in limbo and Russ and I miss our family. I was just feeling so despondent that I prayed that God would send me some good news- any news about anyone- to remind me that things can work out eventually.
     My mother is on hospice care. The hospice chaplain called me to tell me he had just visited her. He said she was doing okay then pointedly asked me, "How are you doing?" I hadn't said or even hinted at anything being wrong with me. I'm not sure why he asked that question. I don't know what denomination this chaplain is but I know he believes in God. I think he was inspired to ask me that. I told him that I wasn't having a problem with Mom dying. My problem was more that she wasn't dying. I then explained that my husband and I had moved her 3 years ago to be near her until she passed and we missed our kids and grandkids. He was so comforting! He advised me not to feel any guilt and even called guilt unnecessary and unwarranted. He told me I was being a good daughter and should not chain myself to my mother. I told him I was planning to go to see some of my grandkids in a month or so and he was very encouraging about my doing that. My siblings and husband have all said similar things, for which I am grateful. But having a "stranger" who is assigned to watch over my mother tell me I should not feel obligated to stay here all the time and that my children and grandchildren need me, too, was a wonderful reassurance. An apostle once spoke about small things that the Lord does for us to show He's aware and cares. He called them "tender mercies". I believe that phone call was a tender mercy- a sign that God is aware of me and wants to comfort me. A prophet said that God always answers prayers and it is often through another person that He does so. This was one of those times. The Lord says He is offended by those who confess not His hand in all things. So, I want to make it a point to acknowledge that I know He loves me and is doing what He can to spur me on. Thank you, Father.

I'm not done yet

The house we are living in here in Arizona is backed up by a golf course. It has been since it was built over 50 years ago. The golf course was good enough that it was busy all the time that it was open. The resident golfers had gotten pretty familiar with the course to the point that the "challenges" were not so difficult which made the game not as exciting.

 

 

The decision was made, for whatever reasons, to improve the course. These are photos out our back door of the "improvements" going on. Right now it doesn't look very attractive, pretty rough actually.

     I started comparing it to me in my life journey. Through the years, I sometimes get to points where I feel pretty comfortable with no current major challenges. God is aware of my full potential, even if sometimes I am happy to stay the way I am. He wants me to improve. Or sometimes I get to a point myself of realizing that I could do better and want to overcome a weakness. That's when I go through rough spots. I struggle, have self-doubts, grieve, and strain to smooth out the rough spots. Fortunately, I don't have to do the remodeling alone. I have friends and family who love me, even in my imperfection. I have prophets, past and present to encourage and guide me, which only requires that I read or listen to their words. I am grateful especially for the still, small voice of the Holy Ghost who reassures me that my Heavenly Father is aware of me and my Savior has "got my back" no matter how many times I may stumble. They love me more than I can comprehend. So, I just need to be patient with occasional bouts of ugliness and keep working on improvements- and offer the same to others doing the same thing. Eventually we'll be really lovely!

How to help??

Not long ago in front of a house just down the street a fairly large cactus toppled over. It was just after a good rain- somewhat unusual for this desert climate. I'm sure the cactus had been growing there for several years but the excess rain weakened the soil and roots at the base of it and it simply fell over. My husband has always had a tendency to over-water plants in his well-intended desire to take care of them. I have tried to explain to him that over-watering can be just as bad for plants as insufficient water. You truly can "kill with kindness".
That has caused me to ponder in what ways you can "kill" with kindness. Here in Sun City, there are lots of people on medications for everything from high blood pressure to diabetes. Giving a lovely plate of homemade cookies to a diabetic is not helpful. The same thing applies to someone who is trying to lose weight. I have observed parents who rush in to help their child, giving them comfort for any little thing or doing something the child could and should do for himself. That is also not helpful. When someone is trying to recover from an injury or surgery or working at strengthening muscles, it is not always the best thing to jump up and serve them, not allowing them to make the effort themselves. I see older people here having a harder and harder time getting up out of a seat. Avoiding doing that only makes it worse. The only way they can keep moving is to move.
Don't get me wrong. I am in no way advocating ignoring someone who is struggling or not giving gifts. I just think it's important when we feel motivated to give someone something, that we try to care enough to consider their situation, know them well enough, to be sure that in our kindness we are truly helping. With someone struggling to do things they used to do before a stroke, cheering them on may be more kind than stepping in to do it for them thereby robbing them of the chance to re-gain abilities. With a child struggling to do a chore they deem too difficult, it may be more beneficial to them to give them instructions on how to do it or how to break it up into smaller, less daunting sections rather than to simply do it for them because you could have it done in less than half the time it takes to talk them through it.
I guess what I'm suggesting is that we consider the ultimate goal. Is the most important thing to have a clean room or to have a capable child who can grow up to be independent? Is it more important for us to feel generous in giving a plate of cookies when it may not be healthy or might it be more beneficial to give of our time and friendship? Is it more important for us to feel like we have rescued someone or alleviated our own suffering at watching them struggle, or to have everyone learn patience in continuing to work at something difficult knowing that with the effort it will get easier rather than getting weaker by not working at it?
Too often we want God to take away trials or pave the way for us to more easily accomplish something. God is wiser than that. He knows that every time He "does" something for us, we become weaker and more dependent. We're totally dependent on Him anyway but we often think we're doing it on our own. That reminds me of college-aged kids who think they're "independent" because they're away from home, using Mom and Dad's money. We need to rely on His wisdom and seek it through prayer and scripture reading, but not be disappointed or resentful when things don't work out quite like we want them to at the speed we want them to then crying out to Him that He's not listening or helping. Growing up is hard. But living forever dependent on someone else and incapable of dealing with things is worse. We need to believe in ourselves the way our Heavenly Father believes in us.