Part 2 to the below post about teenage brains

This is additional information to the previous blog on the teenage brain. It's such an pivotal era in life and there is so much going on that I feel it's important to emphasize the need to try to understand. Teenagers process feelings and instructions in the amygdala (seat of emotions in the brain) rather than the prefrontal cortex (seat of rational thought) as adults do. As I explain in the below posting, the prefrontal cortex is in the process of extensive remodeling in the teenage brain! Identifying and understanding emotions in themselves as well as in others is a development-related skill rather than a natural instinct. That is why teenagers can sometimes seem to lack compassion as well as being emotionally charged to over-react. Teens can use some help in developing the skill of recognizing the feelings of others as well as analyzing their own reactions. This can be done by adults setting examples (on a train or bus a parent could say "that person looks old/tired/ ill so I will give up my seat to them"), role playing (in the LDS Church we have weekly family home evenings which would be a perfect time to offer real-life situations where kids could think about how to react), hearing about other people's experiences (don't just tell the factual details, include how you feel or noticed another's feelings), or even just thought-provoking questions (How do you think that handicapped person feels when kids complain they're moving slow or in the way?). Teenagers also need opportunities to practice self-management/control skills in order to develop them. It can be helpful for teens as well as the adults around them to understand that they can and should recognize, ponder, try to understand, and seek to control anger, passion, hyper-excitement, depression, and over-sensitivity to possible offense. It is not a desirable thing for us to become emotionless automatons but it is much more peaceful for society as well as individuals to be able to ride the waves of reaction to incidents rather than go to extremes in outward emotions. Willpower is a measurable trait that draws on a finite mental resource that can be strengthened through training. Lashing out at loved ones or strangers can cause undesirable reactions. Extreme expressions of emotion are exhausting for any individual as well as for those around that individual. Think in terms of things like road rage....... or passionate hugging leading to kissing between teens in isolated places...... or depths of depression by a teen who has had a bad day at school and feels unpopular, unsuccessful, therefore worthless.
I repeat, it is not desirable to do away with emotions and the expressions thereof. It is just easier to cope with less extreme outbursts of emotions. Sometimes people can incite riots, suicide, going further than they intended simply by riding a wave of hysteria. Adults SHOULD be a little better about understanding feelings and can help by letting teens know that what they're feeling is okay. Figuring out how to deal with those feelings is what they might need help with.

Everybody has one

Anyone who knows me has heard me go on and on about the brain. We don't all have an interest in sports. We don't all have an interest in history. We are all very different in size, shape, talents, and abilities. But we all have a body that includes (and is controlled by) a brain. So, I tend to go on and on because I am fascinated by information as to the functions of this majorly important part of us. That information wasn't widely available until relatively recently. So I want to share a little about what I have learned through quite a bit of reading and listening to lectures. For those who have a teenager, or who currently have the brain of a teenager (I'm talking in real time/age, not attitude), I want to share information that I wish I had been aware of as I was trying to guide children through youth. I am going to start with quoting some stuff I wrote up and sent to my kids a year or more ago so if anyone reading this is one of my kids and you have read it before, this will be a review.
Adults sometimes wonder if teenagers have a brain and, if they do, why they aren't using it. Brains actually undergo massive reorganization between the ages of 12 and 25. The brain doesn't grow much in size during that time because it has already reached 90% of full size by age 6. Any head growth after that is mostly due to thickening of the skull. (This is not a joke though it's funny. Literally, the bone gets thicker.) But during those years the axons- long fibers used by the neurons to send signals to other neurons- become more insulated with the fatty substance called myelin. This tissue is important because it actually speeds up  the brain's transmissions. This white tissue increases slowly from the stem in the back of the brain to the frontal areas where complex thinking (like making judgement calls) occurs. The axons also develop more branches and the most heavily used synapses are made richer and stronger. In other words, whatever thoughts, action, feelings you are reinforcing during this period of brain development are becoming a more permanent part of you. (That's why this is a perfect age for going to school to learn languages, history, facts, etc.) The synapses that are not being used will wither. The result is that the gray matter is pruned to become thinner and more efficient. As some paths are pruned away, causing a disruption of speed and intensity of thought patterns, it also allows branching off of new pathways. This could be seen as "thinking outside the box" but often feels to adults like rebellion or challenge to rules and authority. Teens gradually will get better at complex thinking to balance impulse, desire, goals, self-interest, rules, ethics all to generate behavior that is more complex and sensible because it isn't so impulsive.
The problem is that, while all this development is occurring (invisible and unbeknownst to anyone including the person experiencing it), teenagers are big enough, independent enough, and capable of acting on their own without have sufficient good judgement yet to understand or foresee consequences. Teens clumsy brain developments can bring unbearable and long-term consequences. This is where parents, teachers, and other adult leaders for youth can be helpful. As a part of natural development, teenagers will look outside their family (parents) more and more. This is in preparation for eventual separation and independence and should not be viewed as an insult or grief for parents. Often teenagers will look to their peers for ideas or guidance. This is NOT such a good thing. Their peers are just as clueless as they are. Sometimes bad ideas get passed around and there can be undesirable consequences. All adults can be aware of this stage of life and rather than take a scornful view of teenagers, avoiding contact with them, it could be helpful to try to be an influence for good. It isn't effective to try to take over leading a pack of teenagers, unless you are an official teacher or leader recognized by the pack as someone with appropriate authority. But if you can be a friend to an individual teenager and share stories that may include lessons learned, you may be a big influence for good in that person's life. As for your own kids, don't worry too much when they tell you that they admire a friend's father who has a career exciting to them or they really like to spend time at a friend's house because they love the mother's cooking. It's okay to let them develop a relationship with another adult but try to "steer" them toward someone who is likely to be a good influence. Go ahead and encourage relationships with successful adults whether a neighbor, parent of a schoolmate, or even a grandparent or other adult relative. The teenager needs to be growing toward independence. Recognizing and respecting their agency to choose for themselves is essential to the teenager's self-image. It will be difficult for them to believe in themselves if you don't believe in them. However, you have wisdom and ability to judge that the teenager simply doesn't have yet. That's not an insult to the teenager. It is a biological fact. Teenagers are prone to think their ideas are so new that no one has ever come up with them before. Occasionally that happens. But often that new idea is new mostly to the teenager himself. An adult will be aware of that but the teenager won't. Curfews, rules, and consequences (especially when you can warn them of them ahead of time) are essential to help build in safety limits. If you let kids date before age 16, then dating by 16 will be boring and they will be ready to use their new freedom of driving to potentially get in trouble. If you have no limits as to when they should be home in bed, they may stay out all night resulting in poor performance in school (resulting in lesser chance at college acceptance or scholarships) or they may do things that people do in the dark that they would never do in broad daylight.
I plan to do more explaining about how knowledge of how the brain functions can help in everyday understanding and choices. I hope some of the information helps someone, somewhere, sometime.

How are you identified?

My husband was a firefighter for 20 years then retired. He now identifies himself to people as a "retired firefighter". He always says he had a job that he was never reluctant to go to work for and bemoans having lost that daily productivity. He has since done quite a bit of charter bus driving and now sometimes identifies himself as a bus driver. I have on occasion mentioned that I have spent many years as a seamstress but I don't think I have ever expressed regret that I don't do it very much anymore. I have children and grandchildren but I no longer have any primary responsibilities to care for them. As we drove by several houses today I was looking at yards and windows, noticing things like model sailing ships, cowboy themed metal yard ornaments, holiday decorations, etc. I thought about what household decorations I have collected over the years, which have now been packed up for over 5 years and will continue to be in a storage space for at least 2 more years. Often our home decor gives hints as to "who we are". For instance, people who have done a lot of travel often have furnishings and knick-knacks from various places in the world. People who are religious have religious pictures and objects. People who have large, loving families have lots of family pictures, kids' drawings on the refrigerator, pillows made or embroidered by family, and similar items. All of those things from past or present occupations to home decor to hobbies do not actually "IDENTIFY" you. They can give hints as to how you might have come upon traditions you follow or feelings about things. But my husband is NOT simply a retired firefighter. That gives hints as to what his political leanings are likely to be or what his basic personality may be, but it doesn't totally tell anyone exactly who he is, what he believes, or how he reacts to things. I can identify myself beyond just what I have for home decor- especially under my present circumstances of not even having a home to decorate! It's sad when people lose what they consider their identifiers whether they lose a job or retire, whether they have a home burn down or have important things stolen. But I think it would behoove all of us to realize and remember that those things are NOT WHO WE ARE! People who aspire to own things or be some occupation are too often grieved way beyond what is reasonable when they don't acquire or achieve what they had hoped. There are so many things in life to truly bring grief that purposely causing this kind of self-inflicted pain is unnecessary. You can be whoever you want to be as a person in any job with any home or wardrobe or hobby. You can be motherly without ever bearing children. You can be brave without ever bearing arms against an enemy. You can be charitable without giving away all of your financial resources. Other people will know who you are soon enough. It will show- for good or bad. If you put on a "good show" with a fancy house or wardrobe or certificate on the wall you may get instant recognition but it will only be temporary. Soon enough people will get to know you better and find out who you really are. So who are you?

I don't really know who or how many read this blog. I use it basically as a way of analyzing, organizing, and recording my thoughts. This blog I just posted was not particularly uplifting which is what I generally strive for. I would really like some responses from others if you have the time and inclination. Thanks.

The hard part-

Unknowingly, I set myself up for devastation. I have always maintained that my favorite genre of book and film is historical or historical fiction. I want to feel that I have learned something from the story, not just been entertained by someone else's imagination. Several years ago I read Elie Weisel's Night, Corrie ten Boom's The Hiding Place, saw the movie and read the book The Help, and today Russ and I went to see Unbroken. As I watched, trying to decide whether to wait to see how it turned out while praying for it to be over, or just get up and leave without what I hoped would give me some peace of mind in the end, I started (and have continued) to analyze my feelings. What caused me to sob nearly uncontrollably was not as much the horror of what POW's went through, but that human beings are capable of such evil. It's one thing to be patriotic or defend when attacked, but the anger and hatred that allows a human being to inflict incredible pain on another human being just causes me to feel nauseous. My heart felt like it was being forced through a wringer. Whether the justification is "you are my enemy" or "you are not really a human like me" or "you deserve this" doesn't matter. What matters is that a human being who experiences pain, sorrow, love (maybe), or even just discomfort can go to the extent of causing pain enough to draw blood or result in death or permanent injury to another human being. Sometimes it is even done over and over again by that same person. An adult can go beyond a swat on a little one's behind NOT because they are concerned about the child's safety (like when you are trying to emphasize NOT poking a screwdriver in an outlet or NOT running out in the street) but because they are ANGRY. When angry, tears from the injured party can even cause the anger to worsen because somewhere deep inside the adult there is a feeling of guilt or compassion they want to override. A person in a position of authority feels they have been somehow challenged or disrespected so they inflict punishment (lashing a slave, beating a prisoner, firing an employee who has not really neglected their responsibilities but has somehow offended the boss). Begging for mercy sometimes increases the anger of the authority because they feel an inner rush of power over the underling.
I can't help but recall the times I may have gone a little farther than I should have in punishing, somehow justifying myself due to a child's rebelliousness or my weakness due to being tired, ill, or stressed out. Did I have that angry attitude that could allow me to do real harm to another human? When does the "line" get crossed? People are sometimes killed over their choice of sports team to root for. When does the name-calling, the jeers, the chest-thumping go too far? And why is any of that even justifiable when you aren't actually playing in the game where you could maybe say you need to be pumped up to better perform? How can anyone of any race, nationality, color, or gender justify mistreating another human being because they feel superior simply by any of those aspects of the person? How can a man be angry enough to rape a woman? How can people riot and destroy property to try to "pay back" people who may not have even been involved with whatever unfairness they may feel was shown? Even if someone IS your enemy or has expressed insults and derision, how can a human being enjoy hurting another human being? Isn't that hypocritical? It even hurts me to know I have a loved one who cries over mistreatment of animals but is fascinated by serial killers and voraciously reads gory books and watches sickening movies or tv shows. Where is the line between an empathetic tender human and a monster? What about road rage? How can a person use a vehicle, which is a potentially deadly weapon, in a way that could cause harm or even death to another person, simply because they didn't like  a choice they made in driving?
I have been praying for a long time for some of the wisdom God has which allows Him to observe our bad choices without stepping in to stop us. I understand how wonderful and necessary it is that we all have been given the freedom to make our own choices. We need to decide for ourselves who we want to be. We need to sometimes feel or even just observe the consequences of our choices so we can raise to a higher standard than the animals who react by instinct for survival. Where is the line? After watching this movie, I wondered, did Angelina Jolie (who did a great job directing this very realistic movie) have a part in encouraging the anger and hatred on the faces of the actors? Were they able to call up such feelings on their own? How much of that do we all have inside us? How do we overcome it if we really don't want to be that way?
I understand Christ atoned for sins. I am as grateful as I can be considering my very finite mind and puny understanding. But the atonement only takes care of repented thoughts and actions. If we seek to justify ourselves, it is only fair that we suffer the consequences. Even if we don't feel the anguish, regret and sorrow until after we die, we just need to truly acknowledge that what we did was wrong or we haven't learned anything. So what I am currently grieving is the natural man in every human being that goes to some degree far enough to injure another human being without regret. Right now I feel crushingly ashamed to be have any natural man elements inside me. The end of mortality (death) is NOT the hard part- living is.

Enriched just by observation

I can't go through blogs about my children without including John. He was not placed in our family genetically but by choice. Formal adoption most often occurs before the true character of a child is evident and is usually a choice made by just the parents. In the case of John, he was nearly an adult when he entered our family's life and all of the members of our family embraced him willingly. Although I'm sure he has genetic traces from his parents, he has truly become a man of his own making who has enriched my life as well as the lives of all our family members. He has chosen an exemplary path for himself. I can claim no real input for his development. Russ and I have just had the opportunity to observe him as he has bumped along through life, making choices and reaching goals. He is not without flaws but, in general, no one in our family (including those who have married into or been born into our family since he joined us) has ever regretted having him counted as one of our own. He travels a lot, mostly domestically, because he's a pilot. We have been enriched by his choice of a wonderful wife and his amazing children.  He is as clever as Russ in fixing things. He is fun and laughs as much as Lisa or Ammon. He is intelligent and has passed on that brain power (along with his wife's genes which are equally bright) to his 5 children. He is also good-hearted and serves others as much as any of our children, if not more, and has encouraged his children to follow suit. He is hardworking and honest. He is as faithful as James or Angela in endeavoring to follow the example of our Savior. We couldn't love him more.

Laughter and learning

Our youngest, Lisa, is every bit as smart as her siblings. She has always had a tender side, twice deciding to be a vegetarian because she hates cruelty to any living thing. Having Ammon as her closest-in-age sibling had quite an impact on her. She was frustrated by him a LOT, but also had an example of laughter. Times I can remember having laughed the hardest were with Lisa- playing board games as a family, playing duets on the piano, or traveling countless hours on the road with her. One of the reasons I have laughed so hard with her is due to her intelligence. She laughs at silly, slapstick things, but is also clever.

Besides sharing laughter with her, I have spent countless hours reading literary classics and scriptures with her, discussing principles, theories, and opinions. As we traveled together, we spent hours memorizing state capitals, state mottos, state birds, and trying to quiz each other on various songs and other things. She has enriched my desire and opportunities to learn. I homeschooled her for a year then later she went to a small private school for awhile which gave me the chance to teach a middle school-aged class in order to pay for her schooling. I continue to be able to give and receive learning as we share articles and information. I'm glad all of my children continue to seek education through reading, pondering, and experiences rather than being hypnotized by mind-numbing entertainment as much of society has.