Finding the "new normal"

     I have only lived in this house for a little over a year. I have never been this old before. I am still trying to figure out what it means to have both parents gone as well as a son. For most of this life I have not dealt with arthritis in my back or in my hands and feet to the point that I sometimes cannot bend my fingers and my feet hurt. I have spent hours walking and walking but now it seems to irritate the arthritis in my back causing me to limp after awhile. Hence, I am not walking much anymore. I do sincerely want to continue to be able to move and do things so I need to find new and different ways to move my body regularly so I don't stiffen up. I fully expect to live another decade or more and wonder what I'm going to do with my time. I firmly believe that I can choose to do whatever I might want to do but I just don't know what that is. Eating is no longer a great pleasure as I deal with burning mouth syndrome that pretty much destroys my ability to taste and acid reflux. Despite taking my daily prescription for GERD, after-affects of eating are unpleasant so I just don't enjoy the process. I have always loved and looked forward to traveling but now there are problems inherent with how to cope with where the nearest bathroom is, issues of sleeping, remembering, finding my way around, etc. The people who have been so important in my life (and still are) seem to be so busy and far away but I realize that's what it was like for my parents and absolutely everyone who reaches a "certain age". I have been mostly happy throughout my life but I'm finding my zest is drying up a bit. It's not that I feel pessimistic or have any kind of animosity toward anyone. I just feel resigned to simply enduring. I want to be helpful but I can't do that in any way I have in the past. I don't feel like I have much to offer. I'm just trying to figure out what to do with the rest of my life...........

Memories

     Today is my last day (for awhile at least) in the area where I was born and raised, upstate NY. I attended my 50th high school reunion, one of only a couple of reunions I have ever attended. It wasn't that I was avoiding my high school reunions. I simply had too much going on in my life to have the trip here as a priority. The last time I saw these people I looked somewhat like this:

       It's an old picture, of my 16th birthday party to be exact. I was a fairly normal teenager with mood swings from ecstatic to deeply depressed. I attempted suicide several times, never successfully, obviously. I was incredibly confused as to who I was, who I wanted to become, and who I could totally trust to listen to. Now I look like this:

Definitely older and, I hope, wiser. I no longer wonder who I am. I am a daughter of God and of infinite worth even when I make mistakes (daily). I no longer wonder who I want to become. I want to be like Jesus. I want to be the kind of person who makes others comfortable enough to enjoy my company but motivated enough to want to improve themselves and reach for the ideal. I no longer wonder who to totally trust- except maybe when it comes to the media and world in general. I trust the scriptures, prophets living and dead, and the Holy Ghost as I receive guidance through personal revelation. To some people, I suppose that may sound overly-religious or pious. In all humility, I maintain that every single one of God's children (which is every single human being whether they acknowledge Him or not) has that same option. He doesn't expect us to be perfect right away. We have eternity for that. But He does hope we will make the choice to begin on that path, now.

     I have not posted a blog for over a month now. Every time I think it's pointless and I don't really think it benefits anyone, I am reminded that God cares for each and every ONE. As Horton the Who would say, "A person's a person no matter how small." Everyone matters. Whether or not I offer anything that becomes popular doesn't matter. What matters is that I am at least attempting to share what God gives me. I know God is there, wherever you want to perceive heaven as being located. I know He's not far away and that He hopes every one of His children that experiences mortality will see all the choices and choose Him- His wisdom, His love, and His truth. He isn't going to coerce anyone because He is far too wise for that. Anyone forced to do or believe something will eventually resent it enough to turn their backs and go a different way. The sad part is, there are very nice people who somehow feel that His way is too difficult and restrictive. When faced with the opposition in all things, the more "fun" or seemingly "less restrictive" or "easier" way becomes their desire. It's like an obsessive eater who gives into the temptation to eat because it's too hard to keep resisting. For the moment, it feels more "free" to turn away from God's laws. But, in the long run, it results in more difficulties and heartaches. I continue to pray for the strength to not give up the battle- not that I am tempted to do anything God would disapprove of- but I do have the desire to just hide away from all the turmoil and avoid the contention and heartache. War is hell, even the "good" war.

Control is not always a bad thing.

     It has been awhile since I last posted anything. I guess that's okay because I don't know if anyone even reads what I post. Anyway, I had a strong impression today that I decided to write about. Recently I have been greatly disturbed by stories of abuse, government tyranny, and human trafficking. I can't imagine the helplessness felt by anyone whose life is controlled by someone more powerful; when you no longer have much in the way of choices. I can't understand how anyone can live with themselves when their major concern is a power trip. My heart goes out to those under the smothering thumb of anyone who delights in creating fear in other human beings. In addition, I am deeply grateful to have born in the United States of America, a country established on the concept of a God-given right to freedom to make choices. I am also deeply grateful for the understanding that God truly has given us each the right to make our own choices-even when those choices are sometimes not good. He loves us enough to allow us to choose for ourselves even when we often make a huge mess of things. We need the experience of seeing ugliness to appreciate beauty and tasting bitter to know sweet and feeling pain to know comfort.
     Ultimately, the goal of all this freedom is to appreciate control.......... SELF-control. Laws are an effort to prevent injury. Rules are a guide to make better decisions. (This does not include laws or rules imposed by tyrants. I'm talking about laws made by the majority or by a perfect being who loves us.) As we better appreciate that learning to control impulses is a positive thing, we can relax and take the time to feel peace. As we more carefully ponder the end-result of choices, we can feel more confident about which way to go. The end result is a world full of people who are kind, thoughtful, considerate, forgiving, loving, and helpful- like Jesus.

Tiny things matter

     Pixels- I can't give a technical definition of them but I know they're tiny segments of electrical signal that form a picture. The more there are, the clearer the definition in the picture. Each one by itself wouldn't mean anything and wouldn't even be noticeable. However, each tiny part, when added to the whole, makes a big difference. Christ said that we should be like little children and that He uses weak and small things to accomplish great works. He also said that all we need is faith the size of a tiny mustard seed to accomplish great things. I mentioned D&C 131 in a previous blog: Spirit is matter, only finer matter that we cannot see. When we are capable of discerning finer matter, we will see all the spirits. We know that everything in the world is made up of atoms and molecules- very tiny particles that we can't see with our natural eyes.
     In a similar way, destruction can be caused by very small things. Just as tiny H2O molecules together form a giant tsunami that can destroy everything in its path, we are capable of destroying ourselves and other by seemingly "small" things- sins like pride, greed, lust, anger...
     Tiny things really do count- for good or ill. We need to pay attention to the tiny things in our everyday lives. One small remark can have a great affect; a compliment or friendly comment can really brighten someone's day; a mean-spirited complaint can hurt. One small act of taking a drink of alcohol or a syringe of drug can lead to a disastrous addiction. As an astronaut once said, "One small step for man, one giant leap for mankind." Fortunately, we don't have to be obsessive about watching our every action. In general, what comes out of our mouths or what our hands do is a result of what happens in our minds. If we can decide we want to be kind, helpful, compassionate, and generally like Jesus Christ, our words and deeds will reflect that. And, as I have mentioned before, we don't have to stress over changing the world. All we have to do is our small part in our small circle of influence. If each child of God made an effort to obey God's laws and treat others as he would like to be treated, that would change the world. We don't have to change the world by ourselves, just change ourselves.

Thoughts as we approach Easter

          As we head toward Easter, I was reading in Matthew 21-25 or so the time leading up to the crucifixion of Jesus Christ. He was truly a "meek and lowly" Lamb of  God but only submissive to the will of His Father, not the people around Him. We are often a bit too submissive as we strive to be popular. Christ knew He was not going to be popular because the people around Him were not going to agree with what He had to say. In the records we have in the New Testament, when He first started His "mission", getting baptized and changing the water to wine in Cana, He was firm but not really forceful. As time went by and He performed many miracles, He often admonished people not to tell anyone. He needed time to continue to try to tell people what He came to tell, knowing that as soon as He was more forcefully confronted, He was going to say things that would really get Him in trouble- which is what happened during the week leading up to His mock trial and crucifixion. He made no apologies for calling out those who claimed to be "righteous" according to certain outward ordinances and rules yet were greedy, vain, power-hungry hypocrites. He especially mentioned the leaders of the Jews as well as scribes and Pharisees, calling them hypocrites. (I agree with Christ in that I think hypocrisy is one of the gravest sins we can commit. To speak out of  both sides of our mouths or claim one thing and do another or hide our true thoughts and intentions. I really dislike that.) I guess Jesus Christ will be to each one of us a different judge. Those who have truly loved Him, appreciated fully what He stands for, and done their best to obey and emulate Him- those people will run to His open arms and accept His embrace. Those who have tried to justify themselves, ignored His teachings, and pretended to be something they were not genuinely trying to be- those people will want the rocks and trees to hide them; they will fear His anger as expressed in various points in the scriptures. People ask- who is God or Jesus Christ anyway? Is He the judging God who was so angry with the children of Israel or the God that said to bring the little children to Him so He could bless them? Well, He's both. Just like any loving parent, He is kind when we behave and angry when we are disobedient and rebellious. And just like a good parent, it's not because He wants to be boss and doesn't like it when anyone refuses to obey. He gets angry because He wants us to succeed. He wants us to be kind and loving and forgiving and humble and obedient so that we can continue to improve while we are Heaven type citizens. We can't live in peace for eternity if we are not peaceful people. He wants to abide in peace forever and is willing to do ANYTHING to help- but we have to do it voluntarily. He will not force us to be with Him.

Believing the unbelievable

     I have just been reading some of my really old blogs, searching for any insights I may have shared that would relate to or be a repetition of what I want to talk about. One of my very favorite scriptures for increased understanding of all things is Doctrine and Covenants 131:7-8:
There is no such thing as immaterial matter. All spirit is matter, but it is more fine or pure, and can only be discerned by purer eyes; We cannot see it; but when our bodies are purified we shall see that it is all matter.
And in my scriptures I penciled in- The cellular structure in the brain is so fine that the length of a wave of visible light is too blunt to probe it. It requires an electron microscope to "see".
     I was reading a recent National Geographic magazine and came across several pages of amazing pictures of very ordinary flowers. The photographer has been using a special technique now for about 5 years called ultraviolet-induced visible fluorescence. When he photographs flowers exposed to UV light, vibrant colors, unseen by the ordinary human eye, are displayed. Here is an ordinary myrtle-

It is not photo-shopped or altered other than the original UV exposure and camera picking up what is made visible to it. I couldn't help but think about what exists that we either don't know about or ignore because it isn't apparent to us in our current sensory abilities. Most of us know about sounds beyond what human ears hear- bats, dogs, dolphins and all kinds of creatures hear what are real sounds but not audible to us. We know there are colors beyond the spectrum that our eyes can discern. We are limited by what enters our eyeballs, gets reflected on our retinas and transported by our optic nerve to be translated (for lack of a better word) by our brain. We have known for awhile now that our brains are capable of more than we are aware. I recalled some near-death experiences that I have read about in several different books:
     "The meadow and lake were striking, with magnificent displays of flowers and flowering shrubs of many varieties." (Visions of Glory as told to John Pontius)
     "I have seen good gardens on this earth, but I never saw any to compare with those that were there. I saw flowers of numerous kinds, and some with from fifty to a hundred different colored flowers growing upon one stalk.................At first I became aware of beautiful colors which were all the colors of the rainbow.. They were magnified in crystallized light and beamed with a brilliance in every direction.... As my senses expanded I became aware of colors that were far beyond the spectrum of the rainbow known to the human eye." (Glimpses Beyond Death's Door by Brent and Wendy C. Top)
     "'Hearing' in the spiritual state can apparently be called so only by analogy, and most say that they do not really hear physical voices or sounds. Rather, they seem to pick up the thoughts of persons around them, and... this same kind of direct transfer of thoughts can play an important role in the late stages of death experiences....There are just no words to express what I am trying to say...They just don't make adjectives and superlatives to describe this....No, there is a real problem for me as I'm trying to tell you this, because all the words I know are three-dimensional." (Life After Life- research and collected anecdotes from around the world by Raymond A. Moody, Jr. M.D.)
     Do you see what I mean? We tend to be skeptical of spiritual things, like God and angels and the Holy Ghost, because we can't perceive them right now. This by no means is "proof" that they don't exist! Magic and miracles are simply reality that we don't yet understand. Once we know how it's done, it is no longer "impossible" to our finite minds. It's easy enough to believe in wind because, although we can't "see" it, we can feel it and see the results of it around us. It's easy enough to believe in love or hate even though we can't "see" them because we can feel them in ourselves and from others. Because we lack the advanced knowledge and wisdom that God has, we cannot fully comprehend Him or all that He comprehends. But "the glory of God is intelligence" and He wants to share with us all that He has. We are His children, His heirs- but only if we choose to be. He wants to share what He knows but we have to want to know. In our current state, we are more likely to "feel" the Spirit and know It is good and right rather than understand all It has to offer. In order for us to advance from where we are, we have to trust in the knowledge offered us and choose to trust God. Jesus said, "Be ye therefore perfect, even as your Father in Heaven is perfect" and He has promised that the way will be provided for us to obey any and all commandments He gives us. We just have to trust and keep trying. Our increase in knowledge will come little by little, step by step, but it will come if we choose to accept it. How glorious!

Special Forces

     From what I understand, Special Forces (like Navy Seals) go through incredibly vigorous training where they learn self-control and obedience in the process of gaining strength and skills. They are generally considered "elite" due to their abilities to get a job done. With the exception of people who are intense about being pacifists, it seems that people usually respect and admire these highly trained individuals.
     Those who seek to truly follow Jesus Christ, not just believe in Him but try to emulate Him, also learn self-control and obedience. The commandments given urge us to avoid anger, curb our tongues, eschew material possessions and appearance, love our enemies and do good to those who may hurt us, forgive endlessly, etc. Somehow, this kind of self-control is too often ridiculed. Rather then being admirable, it is considered foolish, uptight, self-righteous, prudish, and generally not to be admired. The One we seek to obey is far superior in wisdom, goodness, and righteousness than any armed service officer or government representative could ever be.
     So, why is it that being obedient to God and Jesus Christ is derided as being a blind follower? Why is it considered "losing individuality" so it's more desirable to pick and choose what things we might want to obey rather than obeying with exactness and striving our very best to understand and obey ALL God's commandments? If we are ever going to be able to have a peaceful society where we no longer need Special Forces, trained soldiers to sabotage and destroy enemies, we must find a leader under whom we can unite and resolve to follow and obey. It's the only way! We can all enlist to be Special Forces to unite and defeat our common enemy- Satan. We destroy him by refusing to follow him. That's all we need to do.

Using what we have

     Much as I see how it could appear otherwise, I don't post blogs to be preachy, to judge others or demand that people see things my way. I earnestly pray every day that I will gain wisdom, not simple knowledge but the wisdom to discern right from wrong and truth from error. I ponder actions I witness and words that I hear and examine within myself what to emulate and what to avoid in my efforts to be more Christlike.
     This morning I noticed a younger woman at the gym that I have seen quite a bit. I don't know anything about her other than that she has amazing strength and determination. As I admired her physical prowess, I remembered how our son, in his younger teenage years, was involved in wrestling and body building. He would brag about the weights he could lift. Yet, when we were cleaning up the garden after the harvest was over, he didn't seem to have the strength to pull up dead plants. I asked him what good his great strength did if all he used it for was to lift weights so he could brag about the number of pounds.
     We love to watch Jeopardy and Russ has always enjoyed playing Trivial Pursuit. I have, at times, wondered what the benefit is of having a head full of trivia. What does one do with a knowledge of who played what role in what movie or who won what Grammy or even capitals of countries or political figures?
     It's certainly a worthy goal to be strong and healthy, to be smart and knowledgeable. In the Bible there is a parable of talents where a master gives three servants each a different number of talents then goes away for awhile. When he returns, he questions them about what they did with those talents. The only one he was really displeased with was the third one because he only buried his talent. We are to understand that every one of us is blessed with an ability and it doesn't matter exactly how we use it, as long as it's for accomplishing good, and definitely NOT to just be buried and never shared or used to benefit others. Strength is wonderful when used to help other people when they pack or unpack in moving, when helping to clean up a public space, when helping a disabled person.... Intelligence is wonderful when used to find solutions to problems, share information by teaching others, and generally helping to make the world a better place. I sure hope that in what ever time I have remaining on this planet I can use whatever is left of my abilities (as I grow old and feeble) to make the world a little bit better because I was here.

Remembering my own needs

     Women, by nature, are nurterers. They put band-aids on skinned knees and take casseroles or bread to the sick and hug with joy or for support to the grieving. But just like the old image of a well, you can't supply to someone else if your well is running dry. It doesn't take a lot to replenish most women's supply. Talking to a caring friend, walking outdoors when and where it's warm and lovely, reading an uplifting book- all these can give most women enough energy to continue for quite awhile. As I was reminded recently, our first spiritual priority is to maintain our own physical and spiritual strength and welfare. I am sometimes amazed at how much stronger I feel after receiving only a drop of encouragement and support. This isn't referring to a passing casual smile and "good luck" kind of offering. Only a few minutes spent listening or a few words of genuine caring can shore up someone else. Don't misunderstand- I don't advocate anyone demanding everyone around them give constant sympathy and offers of support. We do have to stand on our own. But even the most resilient of us occasionally finds ourselves fading a bit.
     God knows all this. Just as any good parent would, He watches us hoping we'll be able to figure out things on our own, be able to move forward on our own. He also knows when we start to falter or grow weary. A wise man once said that God answers every prayer but it is often through another person that the prayer is answered. He wants us to learn how to give help as well as receive help. He knows that it is a very effective way to build inter-relationships. We all feel stronger when we're linked with others. We can accomplish so much more. But we do need to be able to stand on our own. The ideal is for us to be able to weather any storm but it's acceptable, even desirable, to link arms to face the wind. I am grateful for the males and females in my life that help me to feel like I can do anything because they are behind me to help push when I lose steam.

Balance

     Today as we discussed in church the attributes of our Father in Heaven and pondered how to go about becoming like Him, as we are commanded to do, the foremost thought I had was to pray for wisdom to know limits and boundaries. I'm not really worried about temptations to be some kind of evil person, but I do often wonder when to help others and when to stay back and encourage them to fight their battles. I also want to know how to see myself clearly enough to know what aspects to keep and what I need to change. It's hard to look at ourselves truly objectively. All human beings are constrained by their own experience and knowledge in developing perspective on everything. I can't see things as a young boy in Bolivia would see things because his life experiences are very different from mine. I can't understand what a microbiologist would understand because he/she has very different knowledge from what I have. In the same way, I can only see in myself what I can see. I am where I am from a lifetime of making my own choices from my own perspective. At times I have wondered if I could be a "fly on the wall" to hear a conversation about me, what would I hear? What positive or negative things would be shared? How much weight would I give to them? If I feel someone is narrow in their awareness or tending toward unpleasant characteristics, I wouldn't be as concerned about their opinion of me as I would that of someone I love and respect.
     I know God loves me- not just in the scripture-based general sense. I have had my own personal message, more than once, that He loves me. I'm not so worried about whether or how much God loves me. I worry a little about "pleasing" Him but not because I fear being punished. I know He is just and wise and I want to be like He is. As I try to self-analyze, I want to appreciate in myself whatever worthy characteristics I have managed to develop. I also want to recognize anything that is an obstacle to my being like God and my Savior. I am grateful that I have eternity to learn and grow. It's going to take that long but I'm on the right path.

Interesting information.........

     The Church, which administers the gospel, and the Saints who have received the gospel, must be independent of all the powers of earth, as they work out their salvation- temporally and spiritually- with fear and trembling before the Lord!
     Be it remembered that tribulations lie ahead. Peace has been taken from the earth, the angels of destruction have begun their work, and their swords shall not be sheathed until the prince of Peace comes to destroy the wicked and usher in the great Millennium...
     We must maintain our own health, sow our own gardens, store our own food, educate and train ourselves to handle the daily affairs of life. No one else can work out our salvation for us, either temporally or spiritually.
     We are here on earth to care for the needs of our family members. Wives have claim on their husbands for their support, children upon their parents, parents upon their children, brothers upon each other, and relatives upon their kin.
     It is the aim of the Church to help the Saints to care for themselves and, where need be, to make food and clothing and other necessities available, lest the Saints turn to the doles and evils of Babylon. To help care for the poor among them the Church must operate farms, grow vineyards, run dairies, manage factories, and ten thousand other things- all in such a way as to be independent of the powers of evil in the world.
     We do not know when the calamities and troubles of the last days will fall upon any of us as individuals or upon  bodies of the Saints. The Lord deliberately withholds from us the day and hour of his coming and of the tribulations which shall precede it- all as part of the testing and probationary experiences of mortality. He simply tells us to watch and be ready.
     We can rest assured that if we have done all in our power to prepare for whatever lies ahead, he will then help us with whatever else we need... We do not say that all of the Saints will be spared and saved from the coming day of desolation. But we do say there is no promise of safety and no promise of security except for those who love the Lord and who are seeking to do all that he commands.
                                                           Bruce R. McConkie, April 1979
Some of those commandments from recent prophets include spending purposeful time with our families in a weekly family home evening and daily prayers and scripture study; storing as much as a year's supply of food, water, and even fuel; worshiping in the temple and searching out our kindred dead to do ordinances for; serving others and being a "light" to show a better way to live in a determined effort to follow the Savior's example; and listening for further instructions from living prophets and the Holy Ghost. This isn't about doomsday hysteria- quite the opposite. "If ye are prepared ye shall not fear."

New Normal

     When we start out in life with no experience or knowledge of the world and other people, everything and everybody is "strange" to us because no one is just like us (the only person we really know and that's limited). Through the years of elementary and even middle school, we come to expect things within limitations of what we know. We are sometimes surprised by aspects of the way life is in homes other than our own. I remember spending the night at a friend's house and for part of Saturday morning I was expected to stay in the house where I watched out the window as my friend had her "fencing" lesson. I had never seen anyone who fenced and it certainly wasn't within the expertise of anyone in my family. My dad had a hunting rifle and had once killed a bear- something my friend's father (a doctor) had never done. Through those years we usually become aware of styles and behaviors, slowly moving away from the way things are in our families and toward our peers. By the time we reach high school, the way we wear our hair, the clothes we choose, the way we speak all become very crucial in our efforts to "fit in". Then as we spread out from our high school life, we further expand our expectations of the way things are done and slowly come to realize, at least most adults, that there are as many opinions as there are people in the world. What is expected for dinner in Sri Lanka is nothing like what is expected in Seattle. Hairstyles in Haiti are pretty different from those in Ireland. Even socially acceptable behavior can be very different in different places. So, what is "normal"?
     As I approach the ripe old age of 70, I'm finding that "normal" for me is changing nearly every day. Sometimes it's a little startling, even scary. I try to open a bottle and am surprised to find that the arthritis that is developing in my hands makes it nearly impossible. By 5:00 pm I am surprised to find myself looking forward to going to bed rather than other, more exciting activities that might have attracted me 50 years ago. I have been fairly intelligent- had a college scholarship that I ended up not using but it was awarded to me, and I have continued to pursue education and been fairly adventurous about trying new things and loved going to new places. Yet, I am sometimes stunned when I can't think of a simple word or remember the name of a person I know fairly well. I look in the mirror and identify more with my parents or grandparents than with Mary. My eyes and ears don't work as well as they once did and I'm sure that's only going to continue in that direction. I am at a loss as to what to expect at all! I suppose all this is within the "normal" range for my age. Somehow I guess I thought I would have gained enough wisdom and experience by now to not be so much taken by surprise. I just wake up every day wondering how everything is going to go. I no longer assume the people I love will always be there. I no longer take for granted that I will be able to do whatever I might have planned. I guess nobody really knows exactly what "normal" is because it's different for everybody everywhere throughout their life.

Not as the world giveth........

     Today (Sunday) we discussed in church how to have "lasting happiness" and just what that is. One of the elements in my life that brings me "lasting happiness" is being a part of a group of people who have high ideals and strive to achieve them while encouraging the same in those around them. I love being part of "God's Army"! As I ponder what keeps me going, what provides for me a feeling of peace, contentment, and assurance- I realize that it truly is just the opposite of what the world would promote. God's ways are not man's ways; they're higher. As we discussed how things don't always go the way we think they ought or the way the world would identify as successful or pleasant, we made a list of how to achieve lasting happiness. Nowhere on that list is a certain income, a certain house or car, a college degree or occupation, family size, well-toned muscular or slim body. None of those things will bring lasting happiness. They're all temporary and shallow. Jobs can be lost, houses can be burned, bodies can be injured or diseased. Everything the world would use to measure how good your life is- fame, fortune, power- are not sustainable and come to individuals randomly and disproportionately. You can't even really rely on other people to maintain your happiness, especially anyone who does not choose to obey an authority above the flesh. A friend, spouse, child, or other relative can betray and hurt you.
     When the mortal Jesus walked the earth, He tried to explain what He had to offer in terms the people could identify with- water, bread, light, and life. Too often they just didn't get it and we still don't get it despite our "advancements" in science and technology. As the saying goes, "We are not mortal beings having a heavenly experience, we are heavenly beings currently having a mortal experience." This experience is not at all about acquiring physical goods, honors of men, or a desirable physical appearance. We are here to experience opposition, which can mean sorrow and joy or pain and pleasure but also whether we want to find fulfillment in power, fame and fortune OR choose to pursue kindness, humility, wisdom, and love; whether to compete to be top dog or strive to share equally so everyone benefits (not just money as in socialism but all aspects of existence). It's more obvious and easily understood to make lots of money and contribute to charities but the more meaningful is to simply do our best to work as hard and honest as we can and share whatever we have (which, by the way, only works when everyone around you is doing the same). Being top dog will not bring lasting happiness because you will ALWAYS be beat out at some point by someone younger, stronger, prettier, and more endowed in some way. Until we understand what Jesus was offering and make the choice to pursue it, any "happiness" will never last. We may have momentary thrills but they can easily be destroyed. The peace that passeth all understanding and lasts eternally can only come from developing the God-like potential within each and every one.

Lemonade out of lemons

     Having acid reflux is not very pleasant, however I have come to appreciate the positive aspects of this inconvenience. I have to avoid eating large portions or late in the evening- both of which may not be helping me to lose any weight but it more likely ensures I won't gain anything. Rather than risking gaining weight from holiday or other "splurges", I have to maintain sensible eating. I don't have to strain my will power to avoid overeating and greasy, fatty foods are not even tempting.
     When I achieved a relatively large stature at a younger age than other girls, I was sometimes embarrassed or frustrated by being big. Nearly everything about me has been bigger than other females, except perhaps those who are unusually tall or truly obese. I always thought it would be nice to be a petite female- at least more attractive. However, I have realized that my size has enabled me to do lots of things that other females and even some males can't do. I love being able to help people who are moving.I like not needing to get a footstool to reach the upper cupboards. I can work in the yard, which I love, for hours. I can even move my own furniture around if I feel like rearranging.
     I love my family members dearly. Growing up I lived near most of my dad's family and saw them regularly. I raised my children for the most part in that same area. Now we are literally spread all over the globe. I miss seeing my aunts and uncles, cousins, and especially my children and grandchildren. I have frequently bemoaned the lack of opportunities to interact with family members. However, it's almost exclusively due to the need to travel to be with family that has given me the rich experience of seeing cities, states, and countries that I have always hope to visit. I love sharing stories of our incredible experiences as we have traveled to many places. It's fun to see or hear about places all over the world and be able to say, "I've been there!" Most of our travels have required only transportation to get to and fro. We have had welcoming places to stay and been fed and made comfortable with little to no effort on our part. We have even had personal tour guides!
     I often feel like I'm a "party pooper" because I don't like staying up past about 10 pm. I start getting tired by 8:30 or 9! However, I am wide awake in the morning. I love the early quiet at the beginning of day. I enjoy feeling energized and  ready to eagerly face whatever the day presents.
     It's a good thing that I'm not always in charge of every single aspect of my life but I can choose the important things that help me to develop what I hope is "good character". I try to be grateful and hopeful and willing to help. I do my best to make lemonade out of lemons.

Gender roles, Part 2

     There are some generalizations that fit groups of people based on ethnicity, nationality, race, age, and gender- despite what those who are overly concerned with "political correctness" would claim. Younger people, in general, have more energy than older people. Older people are often more dependable than younger people. Asians have shown to be more determined to excel scholastically than Hispanics. Hispanics are often more gregarious than those of traditional Asian descent. Men are more concerned about vehicles and women more concerned about houses. There are ALWAYS exceptions to every generalization so we have to be ready to accept those who "don't fit the mold"- the girl who becomes a great race car driver or mechanic, the 90-year old that runs marathons, the 12 year old that gets accepted into Yale and has had perfect attendance at school. So, is there anything about being human that truly does "fit a mold" without exceptions? Are there people who truly can NEVER do something, no matter how hard they might try? Short people are not usually the best basketball players but there are even short members of the Harlem Globetrotters as well as other professional teams. Men can be really great chefs even though lots of men rarely enter their kitchen at home except to ask their wife when dinner will be ready.
     I have been fascinated with what is being learned about the human brain. Our brains are truly where we exist, our hopes, our dreams, our fears, our challenges... There have been a few discoveries about gender differences in the brain. One of the biggest "generalizations" about how male and female brains differ is that men tend to think compartmentally. They focus on one thing at a time. Women tend to have integrated thoughts. They think about whose turn it is to carpool while in the checkout line at the grocery store and figuring out when they need to get dinner started and whose turn it is to do the dishes. Hormones play a significant role in gender characteristics. Estrogen encourages nurturing feelings. Testosterone boosts competitiveness.
     We are each unique no matter how many characteristics we may exhibit that are similar to others in our "group" as determined by all of the defining labels we use. But what is "natural" in us is not always inescapable or ideal. Those who suffer Turret's  syndrome are certainly not happy with their spontaneous outbursts of obscenities. Those who are addicted to drugs or pornography are often very unhappy and, if not too far gone, have a desire to change. People once called kleptomaniacs or nymphomaniacs or gluttons all suffer from an addiction. I don't know that any one of those somewhat extreme cases could be considered "ideal" for humans to hope to attain. So how do we consider what is "normal" and what is "abnormal". Who do we "treat" and who do we just accept or even enable?
     In the subject of gender roles, how do we determine what is acceptable/normal for certain individuals and what should be changed? There is NO valid "competition" between genders- meaning there isn't one that's better than another. Women who do the same quality of work at a comparable job should get paid the same as a man. Men who choose a career long-considered as being for women should get the opportunity to work. As I ponder this issue, I continue to refer back to the One who created us, including our gender.
     If a man also lie with mankind, as he lieth with a woman, both of them have committed and abomination: they shall surely be put to death; their blood shall be upon them.(His words, not mine- Leviticus 20:13 and it doesn't say a man shouldn't love another man, just not have sex with him.)
The woman shall not wear that which pertaineth unto a man, neither shall a man put on a woman's garment: for all that do so are abomination unto the Lord they God. (At least he doesn't say they should be put to death. This is from Deut. 22:5) Wherefore God also gave them up to uncleanness through the lusts of their own hearts, to dishonour their own bodies between themselves....God gave them up unto vile affections: for even their women did change the natural use into that which is against nature: And likewise the men, leaving the natural use of the woman, burned in their lust one toward another; men with men working that which is unseemly, and receiving in themselves that recompence of their error which was meet. (Romans 1:21-27) Just as our children may whine "Unfair!" about our requests or demands, we may feel that God is being "unfair" to those who "lust after" members of the same gender. Is God unfair? Did He make a "mistake" in those who have these feelings, or the one who has a gender for Parkinson's or alcoholism, or is born with Down's Syndrome? What is a choice and what is unavoidable? Alcoholism can be avoided by choosing never to drink alcohol; drug addictions would be the same.Turrets can seek medical help and, hopefully, manage symptoms enough to not embarrass themselves. Down's Syndrome is thankfully no longer quite the tragic news to new parents that it once was. There is nothing shameful about it and the public awareness is slightly ahead of autism for general acceptance and understanding. (There will always be rude, inconsiderate people no matter how much education is available.) I have known and really loved several people who acted on same-gender attraction. Aids ended early the life of one and I don't know about the other two. I am willing to accept the God-given freedom to choose, as exhibited in others, but I deserve the same. I will never treat someone who does not want to accept their birth gender with derision, but I believe they were created with a specific gender for a purpose. I will also never teach a child that having sex outside of marriage is totally fine, same sex or opposite. I will also never teach a child to pursue desires for sexual relations with a member of the same sex and I will never feel that it's equal in validity to pairing with a member of the opposite sex despite inherent differences. I vividly remember one of the homosexual friends I referred to earlier  explaining at a class reunion how he "came out". His words were, "I had never tried anything with a man so I didn't know I would like it." That did not justify to me doing something God has declared "unnatural" or "abomination". I am not God and I don't claim to have the wisdom He has but I do acknowledge that He has more than I do. We should love everyone, just as Jesus does and has commanded us to do. Love and lust are not the same thing. We all have challenges, weaknesses, and sorrow. Giving in to challenges is not going to make things better for us. A glutton will not be happier by eating all they have a desire to eat. God created male and female to be companions to each other, to multiply and replenish the earth. We can seek to understand His wisdom, or defiantly demand to live by our own rules. He has given us that choice.
     My last blog on this issue will be concerning gender roles as part of participation in sports activities, for which I have tried to do more "worldly" research because I really don't know how God feels about women football players or wrestlers.

The freedom of ignorance

     Somehow I always expected that as I got older, gaining experience and (hopefully) wisdom, I would also gain confidence. Russ and I are finding the opposite to be true for us. We have noticed greater anxiety. Whether it's preparing to travel, or working for someone, or attending a meeting- just about anything we have done all of our life, as we get older we tend to worry more. Maybe our greater experience has educated us about more possibilities for failure. As we witness or experience more disasters or simple glitches, it opens our eyes to more ways things can go wrong hence a greater concern about remembering things to do, watching for potential obstacles, and awareness of people who might cause harm.
     We both love babies and young children. They are so genuine, often called innocent meaning unaware of and incapable of duplicity. Despite their self-focus, they do respond quickly to another's laugh, smile, or sorrow. Do we perhaps envy them that the world seems so simple to them? If someone smiles or speaks to them kindly, they have no idea whether that person is a criminal or a saint or an atheist or an anarchist or what color their skin is or what country they're from or what political party they support- none of that matters. The longer we live, the more we realize that you truly can't judge a book by its cover, and that goes both directions. We have personally known very pleasant people who are capable of horrific behavior. We have also known people who, due to birth defects or injury, are not pleasant-looking or may be rough-sounding but have hearts of gold. We have attacked jobs that appeared onerous and turned out to be pretty easy. On the other hand, we have started at what we thought would be a quick, easy task which turned out to be very frustrating with much greater time and expense than anticipated.
     So, it seems that lack of experience can really allow more confidence, happiness, and motivation. I look back at earlier periods of my life and it seems I was more "free" then. I didn't have as many reasons to worry because I wasn't yet aware of how great the possibility of tragedy was. Every passing year now means someone I know well, if not myself, will be injured, develop a disease, have a great sorrow in their life, or experience unending depression. It's hard to focus on the many people that I know who are NOT experiencing great trials. I can think of a frustration at the very least in the life of every single person I'm closely acquainted with. The result of all this is that motivation is harder to come by. The fear of disaster is a great deterrent to get up and do anything. It seems easier to find excuses to just stay home where its safe- even wanting sometimes to just stay in bed and not even face another day. Ignorance can actually promote a greater feeling of freedom. Ignorance can truly be considered bliss.

The final gender roles commentary

     In my efforts to research gender affects in sports, I have been a little surprised. I can't guarantee that the results I found are completely true. No matter what source anyone uses, it's possible to have bias. Even scientific researchers start out with a hypothesis and will experiment, sometimes with limited parameters, hoping to prove their hypothesis. Also, there are statistics that can "prove" almost anything if you look hard enough. With all that in mind, these are the things I found when I "researched" the affect of strenuous sports by gender. Strenuous exercise is generally defined as more than 2 1/2 hours or 3 times a week with elevated heart rate. The graph of sedentary to very strenuous exercise is a curve with the mortality rate of very strenuous similar to sedentary. I guess moderation in all things is a truth in activity. The healthiest sports (good fitness results with few injuries) are squash, rowing, rock climbing (that's a shocker!) and swimming which is the very safest. However, the deadliest (numbers of deaths occurring directly attributable) are base jumping, swimming (huh??- it must include drowning), cycling, running, and sky diving. The absolute most dangerous sport listed, with the most injuries, is cheerleading! I guess the development beyond just shouting rhymes, jumping up and down  and shaking pom-poms has resulted in pretty dangerous tricks.
     My motivation for researching this particular aspect of gender roles was my negative gut reaction to the suggestion of girls in wrestling and football, both contact sports. I have never been "good" in sports but I have always been active. I tend to be pretty clumsy with catching, hitting, or throwing balls and I am not a runner. However, I have always felt that females, although not interchangeable with males, have the potential to do nearly anything average males can do. Males tend to have greater upper body strength, especially among those who lift weights or exercise in a way to develop strength. As for other aspects of sport-fitness, I found this statement enlightening: Physiological differences within the sexes is greater than the difference between the sexes. Basically this means that there are greater strength, agility, speed differences among men or among women than the difference between the general population of males versus females. So gender does not dictate whether you can excel at any sport. I have always felt that women are fully capable competing in swimming, basketball, soccer, volleyball, tennis, etc. But I just can't feel good about girls playing football or wrestling. Is it due to my generational expectations? There is little evidence yet concerning the impact of girls in such aggressive contact sports. Wrestling focuses on weight- that's how the competitors are categorized. I remember a young man fainting off the back of the risers during a high school choir practice because he was a wrestler and was trying to lower his weight. I know that during teenage years there are some really important hormonal and brain developments going on. Bone loss has been seen among those involved in strenuous physical activity that could be attributed to an increase in stress hormones and how that impacts gender-based hormones as well as nutrition issues. I have been concerned with the discoveries concerning brain injuries, especially in boxing and in football. The highest rates of concussion are in rugby, lowest in American football with ice hockey and soccer in between. Among females specifically, the highest rates for concussions are in ice hockey and American football.
     So, early in my life, females wrestling has been limited to mud wrestling and catfights, with roller derby coming close. None of those are at all positive images for females. I appreciate strength and admire those females who join the service and can keep up on obstacle courses and running while carrying gear. So, why does female wrestling or football bother me? As an individual, I have never been competitive against others. I try to do my best just because I feel better when I have sincerely made a good effort. I realize that despite my abhorrence of violence, there are many occupations that require violence: dealing with criminals and  dealing with war to mention a couple which both involve lots of different branches. So, it's not the violence- although I really don't like the image of a 14 year old female red in the face trying to physically control another person simply for sport. I guess the only "legitimate" objections I can logically come up with are the concern for the hormonal and nervous system development among youth. As adults, anyone can choose whatever they want to do- as long as it doesn't interfere with another person's freedom and well-being. The risks inherent in rigorous contact sports just don't seem worth it. Women athletes often have disrupted menstrual cycles. If that occurs too much during development, what are the long-term effects? Repeatedly, I read that there is simply not enough evidence to make a determination. I know that male bodies continue to make sperm throughout life but females have only a limited supply of eggs. I know that having a girl here and there that wants to participate in a sport won't work because there needs to be a full team or at least a valid opponent. That will result in encouraging girls who may not really be interested to participate in something that could have risks not yet identified. Personally, I am not willing to agree to that. I just don't think it's necessary. I know boys are more physically aggressive than girls from the outset. Girls will color, dance, play with toys quietly while boys prefer to move and poke and be more physical. I just don't think we ought to be pushing young females to be more aggressive. I prefer to aim more efforts at being less aggressive across the board.
     Maybe I'm just old-fashioned and don't see it coming that genders will be interchangeable. I really don't think so. From what I have quoted in previous blogs, I think there are differences between males and females and it's supposed to be that way, for everyone's best benefit. If I have a granddaughter or great granddaughter who really wants to wrestle or play football, I will try to attend their event as much as I try to support any and all of my posterity. But I won't go out of my way to root for girls participating in contact sports.

Gender- the big picture- Part 1

     I have been pondering, praying, discussing and researching the subject of gender: purpose, reality, and recognition. To begin, I always defer to the One who has greater knowledge and wisdom than any human. Truth is knowledge of things as they are, and as they were, and as they are to come;...The Spirit of truth is of God... The glory of God is intelligence, or in other words, light and truth....He that keepeth his commandments receiveth truth and light....Intelligence, or the light of truth, was not created or made, neither can be. All truth is independent in that sphere in which God has placed it, to act for itself, as all intelligence also, otherwise there is no existence. In addition, all truth will fit together. If it's true, it exists outside of individual opinion or preference and will work for the best for ALL.
     I have titled this "part 1" because I think it's going to be longer than what I have time to write in one sitting, and probably longer than anyone reading wants to devote in one sitting.
     I am volunteering in our local library several times a week- not to restock books or anything like that, but to read to young children or allow them to practice reading to me, to help younger school-age children with homework, and to sit in on a conversation with non-native English speakers so they can practice the language. In this last instance, we use lists of suggested questions on specific topics to initiate discussion. Currently, the topic is gender roles: in your culture who is head of the household, are there jobs that are limited to one gender or another, what behaviors/emotions are acceptable for one gender in public and not the other...etc. I have spent literally YEARS pondering the purpose of gender. During the "women's lib" movement, I went to Seneca Falls (the birthplace of women's suffrage in the US) for a women's convention. I participated in lots of discussions about the value and meaning of gender. Before that, I resented any kind of treatment by males that indicated I was in any way inferior, including the well-meaning chivalrous gesture of opening doors for me. (I can open my own door- thank you very much! Which, as it turns out, was really a slap in the face to some innocent man who only wanted to do something kind. I'm sorry now.)
     And God said, Let us make man in our image, after our likeness: and let them have dominion.... So God created man in his own image, in the image of God created he him male and female created he them. And God blessed them, and God said unto them, Be fruitful and multiply and replenish the earth, and subdue it....the Lord God said, It is not good that man should be alone; I will make him an help meet.. God didn't just make a work partner for man nor a slave. He made a female for him to have as a companion and to provide a way to be fruitful and multiply. In the New Testament, we have the writings of Paul which can sometimes seem complicated but he said in 1 Corinthians 11: Nevertheless neither is the man without the woman, neither the woman without the man, in the Lord. For as the woman is of the man, even so is the man also by the woman; but all things of God. More recently, words of modern day prophets in The Family, A Proclamation to the World: marriage between a man and a woman is ordained of God and...the family is central to the Creator's plan for the eternal destiny of His children. All human beings- male and female- are created in the image of God...Gender is an essential characteristic of individual premortal, mortal, and eternal identity and purpose....God's commandment for His children to multiply and replenish the earth remains in force....the sacred powers of procreation are to be employed only between man and woman, lawfully wedded as husband and wife...
     So basically, if we acknowledge God's existence and make the effort to learn from Him through study of scriptures (writings of prophets) and through prayer (whisperings of the Holy Spirit), we can learn that He made gender on purpose in humans based on the characteristics we had before birth . So there is definitely a difference between male and female, even beyond testosterone and estrogen, breasts and uterus and penis and testicles. I understand that all humans are different, including our views on the existence of God and His nature and opinions. It has been my personal experience that anyone who has a sincere desire to know if God exists and is willing to give up their pride to accept what He might teach them, that person can know for him/herself by asking God directly. Because He wants us to become like He is, He doesn't want clones or puppets. He wants us to gain our potential to be wise, intelligent, and powerful like He is. God our Father in Heaven and His Only Begotten Son Jesus Christ, are male. Yet, He declared that man should not be alone and chose to make for him a companion who was also made in a Godly image, but female. The two united, together, is how the human race is to be multiplied. There needs to be BOTH.

My greatest desire

     As a young mother, one of my biggest thrills was a smile on my baby's face, then later laughter and hugs and kisses from my baby. Every sleepless night or battle with a rebellious child or panic at the sight of blood or temperature reading over 103 is easily mitigated by a squeal of delight when you give just the right gift or announce an exciting event to your child. As children get older and bigger, problems get bigger and joy is more fleeting and hard to come by. As I pray for each of my children and their children every day, I find it hard to avoid repetition. It's also difficult to know just what to pray for. With experience and maturity, I have learned that pain, sorrow, frustration, and disappointment are not to be simply prayed (wished) away. They are an unavoidable part of mortal life. You cannot bear a child and not have pain. You cannot watch  a loved pet die and not feel sorrow. You cannot try to pass a test or learn how to play the tuba without frustration. You cannot ask that special someone to prom and not feel disappointment when they turn you down.
     God, with His great wisdom, has declared there must needs be opposition in all things. You cannot comprehend pleasure if you have never known pain. You cannot feel true joy if you don't know the meaning of sorrow. I get it. So what do I wish/pray for my children and grandchildren? There are plenty of songs, poems, and adages that express appropriate things like strength, peace, determination, success, etc. But, it all comes down to CHOICE. The only way someone is going to feel peace is if they seek it. Strength will not come to someone who does not desire it enough to work for it. Determination is certainly an individual choice. Success will be different for different people. So, I have decided that all I can truly hope for, work for, and pray for is to be in the best place I can be by being the best person I can be to be worthy of being with those who are the best they can be because it's what they want. Interesting- that's what God hopes for. His work and glory is to bring to pass the immortality and eternal life of man. He allows each and every one of His offspring the right to choose for themselves who they want to be but His hope is that we will all choose to be the very best we can be so we can manage to exist in peace and harmony and eternal happiness with Him and all who want to be like Him and His Only Begotten Son. It's simple but not easy.